wife reflections

Year 2, Week 19: No more “Someday”

Freshman year of high school: “I dream of writing a best-selling novel.”
Senior year of high school: “Before I’m thirty, I hope I’ll have published a book.”
Sophomore year of college: “I’ll start writing when I have more time.”
Senior year of college: “…What is time, really? Is it real? I’ll write when I’m older.”
First year out of college: “I have to focus on being a good teacher, first.”
A week ago: “What if I become pregnant and I only have nine months to write a book before I really don’t have time to write? I am so sick of saying ‘Someday.’ Might as well just do this thing.”

So I started writing a novel, using NaNoWriMo as a guide, mentor, and structured stress motivator. I was tired of Cody always asking every New Years Eve, “So.. New Year’s resolution.. writing a book this time?” Supportive husbands, amiright? I kept telling him that, someday, when I put my mind to it, I’ll do it. I’m happy to report that I am writing an average of 1,679 words a day, for a grand total so far of 11,756 words. I’m thinking of updating my progress here. Don’t ask what’s driving me to write because I think it’s really just my past self’s prayers for future and present me. I’m genuinely enjoying the writing process and have WifeReflections to thank for that.

Very seriously, the messages of encouragement and validation that I have received from so many different people from totally different walks of life have kept me updating this blog week by week. Who knew people would be interested in the realities of my relationship? It is so humbling and magnificent to experience. Thank you.

I don’t mean to make this post seem so short and flippant, but I really need to sleep and prove that I met my word count so Cody will give me my phone back. It’s so past my bed time. Maybe I’ll be so busy working on this “book” that Cody will have to update his very own husband reflection next week. Stay tuned!

Year 2, Week 15: Who Protects My Marriage

Teaching 9th grade girls is such a blessing. Almost every day I see the strength of sisterhood when one student is having a rough day and the others gather around her. Also almost every day I am reminded of how exceptionally difficult it is to maintain a real, supportive relationship when there are so many changes happening at the same time (like, you know, figuring out who you are while also studying for three exams).

In both scenarios, I silently give thanks that I’m in a time in my life where I can enjoy the fruits of my laborious making-friends journey. After a lackluster social life (read: perceived deflation of my worth to about zero) in middle school, I remember deliberately taking my time choosing friends in high school. I would observe everybody, almost to a fault.

She just made a snarky comment to her “best friend” (Did she really just frame it as a “joke” with a quick comment of “Oh, get over it!” when her friend looked offended??). I don’t think I want to be friends with someone like that.

She just rolled her eyes when her friend sheepishly told her she doesn’t want to go out tonight because she wants to make sure she studies really well for the test tomorrow. I don’t want my friend to roll her eyes at my success.

Is she really trying to guilt her friend into hanging out with her instead of family? She seems to really want family time! Any friend who shames another for wanting to spend time with her family is not going to make it as a friend of mine.

And so on it went. I realize now that it seems I have impossibly high standards. Good. It worked for finding my husband, too.

So what does this have to do with my marriage?

Simple. If I hadn’t spent so much time deliberately choosing my friends, I wouldn’t have my greatest supports and protectors of my marriage.

Sometimes it’s not enough to just “work it out” between us when I’m in a rough patch with my husband. Sometimes we have to go to our separate corners in the boxing ring and talk it out with the coaches who were there first. My coaches are the sisters I’ve chosen. They help me talk through any doubts, questions, and concerns that inevitably arise in my marriage.

I think what I love the most is that the end game is always a realistic true-to-Ania approach leading to a potential solution. Never once do my coaches panic and say, “This is it. This is the problem that leads to divorce. Get ready for the K.O.” They may roll their eyes and wonder aloud, “What is this guy doin’!?” But they’ll just as quickly ask, “Shoot, girl, what’s going on with you? You’re not being yourself.”

It’s that question that I love most about my friends. How can we help you be yourself again? Because we love that Ania. If we find her again, we’ll be able to fix everything else.

Wow. Gold standard friends.

So when I tell my freshmen students about my own female relationships, I hope they hear that those same sisters will help protect their marriages, too. (You know, if that’s something they’re even in to).

Here’s to…
…my sister losing weeks of sleep pursuing her Ph.D. in Clinical Psych,
…my M.o.H. following her dream in a New York City grad program,
…my soul friend finishing her Masters of Theology program at Duke,
…my tall twin in a beautiful relationship with her fiance and the Yale School of Nursing,
…a trailblazing lover of the world passionately writing stories,
…the women in my life who have become truly amazing mothers,
…those who are fearlessly embracing the unknown and loving the heck out of life,
…and all those who I don’t get to talk to as often but admire just the same.

The women in my life protect my marriage. To have ignored them in pursuit of a man would have been one of my life’s biggest mistakes. Now, they save my best life – my most “Ania” life – more than they realize. Thank God for that.

Year 2, Week 4: He shows up

We were about a year into our relationship, and I knew Cody would be flying in for our once-every-three-months visit while I was still at work (playing the piano at church). I asked him if he wouldn’t mind taking the bus from the airport to the church so that I could give him a big hug the moment Mass was over instead of him waiting at the airport and waiting for me to come get him. I also secretly wanted him to be part of something that made me happy; he had never heard me perform in “that” capacity before (leading ~100 people in song) so I was really excited and nervous to have him kind of just walk in while I was doing something I loved.

I wanted two things from his presence: to get a glimpse at why this was an important part of my life and to share the experience with him.

In equation form, this looked like:

Doing something that made me happy
+
sharing what made me happy with someone who made me happy
=
happy happy joy joy

Let’s fast-forward about six years from that day to February 2016.

If you want the long version, keep reading! (if you want the short version, just find the bolded phrase below): My colleague encouraged me to think about participating in an improv class during the summer. He outlined the differences between short-form improv, long-form improv, stand-up comedy, and the price tag differences on the various theaters around the city (ComedySportz, Second City, Improv Olympics, etc.) In the end, I chose ComedySportz, since they pride themselves on performing shows that are for the whole family – and they specialize in short-form improv (short, spit-fire games run competition-style between two three-person teams that keep the show moving along really nicely). Unfortunately, however, even the least expensive camp was pretty expensive.

Cody and I (try to) run on a tight budget so that we experience more cool things instead of buying more things. I wasn’t sure if my financial partner would be cool with me spending the equivalent of one month’s food budget for an improv comedy class that lasted only one week.

So here’s the SHORT form of the story (Haha, get it? No? You shouldn’t have been lazy then.)

I was encouraged to take an improv class this summer. It sounded like fun.
I told Cody I’d like to take an improv class. I don’t think he took me seriously.
I looked up the ComedySportz summer class information. I told Cody about it. I think he started to take me seriously now.
“Hey Cody, you know how you took an online course that cost a few hundred dollars? Well, this improv class is something like it.” I think I saw his hand reach in protective instinct for his wallet.
I went on a school-sponsored trip to Browning, Montana the same day early-bird registration ended. I didn’t have a chance before we left to discuss how my choice to attend this class would affect our financial goals and I couldn’t reach Cody while in Montana, so I neglected to register for the class. I was going to miss the deadline and I slowly allowed myself to realize that this class might not work out after all. All these realizations made me sad.
A couple days later, a text message from Cody appeared (Whoa! Service in Browning, MT? Yay!): “Alright! You’re all signed up for the improv class!”
Ridiculous smiling and slight shock ensued. This wasn’t part of the plan, but he did it anyway. He’s a good husband.
Class was attended! I became a little funnier. I believe I’ll be an even better English teacher now that I know games that disguise learning.
Teacher of class tells me there’s a show I get to be in?! Amazing! Show time is set for 5pm on Saturday.
How are all the people I know all busy on the day I most want them there? Whattabummer.
Cody’s capture of the show’s beginning. Here’s me pointing at all the people who weren’t able to make it but were cheering me on from a distance <3.
Hey! My brother and sister-in-law came! My old roommate and his brother came! And, duh, Cody is here.

Cody always shows up. He has shown his support for things that make me happy for as long as I can remember. How is this just hitting me now?

So – for a final review:

If it’s important to you and he makes you happy..
then the one who shows up should be the one you marry.