wife reflections

Year 2, Weeks 41 and 42: Lessons > Failures

We’re in Poland for two weeks! I realize this is the first time I missed a weekly reflection since we were married, but because of jet-lag and excitement and a lack of desire to be on a computer when beautiful Krakow was an open door away, I feel justified.

The last few weeks have witnessed me writing sub plans so my students will continue learning despite my extended sojourn, editing my first novel in any moment of down-time, and watching Cody interact with my Polish heritage.

It has been so amazing to see my husband totally open to experiencing the places and family that I’ve grown to remember fondly and make new memories with him. My family has laughed so hard with him. He doesn’t let messed-up Polish words mess up his enthusiasm to learn. Everyone knows Polish is ridiculously difficult to learn, so he is admired rather than ridiculed. Truly, the fact that he is earnestly learning the language is seriously flattering my family. My uncle has appreciated how much Cody embraces life and doesn’t let any potential adventure pass him by. And I have especially loved those quiet moments with Cody when there’s no one else around and he tells me how much he loves that I have this chance to reconnect with family from far away. I even think a part of him is beginning to embrace that this is now his family, too.

My aunt: Wow. Cody even helps clear off the table? Ania, you have it good.

Since we haven’t had much down time, what with going from family member to family member in different villages and cities in southwest Poland, my eyes are perpetually open to what’s going on around me. I have a brain tuned in to patterns – maybe it’s a result of studying piano or analyzing poetry – but I can see when things either keep repeating, or notice when they’re missing. SO.

Being able to appreciate what is in front of us, at this very moment, is the key to my true joy.

I’ve noticed which married couples are still flirting, even 40+ years together. They tease each other, are open to laughing at themselves and one another, and slip in compliments every now and then. They thank each other for little things, and praise each other regardless of how silly the situation may seem. You praise that which you want to see more of, right?

I’ve heard my widowed aunt already say she won’t dance at the family wedding this Saturday because she continues to mourn the loss of her true love, even a decade later. It’s this way of life that makes me love even harder now. Holding grudges just is not worth the time.

And I have been in the presence of a marriage so broken, it seems beyond repair.

Where does this leave me and Cody? I feel like this comes up often, but being able to appreciate what is in front of us, at this very moment, is the key to my true joy. In appreciating even the trials and sorrow that meets us on our journey through life, we understand that they, too, are lessons in improving our characters. And the more I travel with my best friend, the more I realize that Cody and I seem to be reminders to others that it’s okay to act like little kids.

Joy, laughter, and gratitude is what has helped us enjoy every day together up to this point. I hope it continues. I think it will.

Even when the snow falls in the spring, you just have to find a way to see the beauty in it. I think that’s how you avoid the shock of an eventual avalanche – you knew you loved what you had before it was taken away.

After eating ice cream in the car and visiting the castle that used to house German nobility, the snow came down quite a bit. It was gorgeous and fun and will be a memory for a lifetime.

Year 2, Week 39: The Dining Room Table

Our dining room table is like everyone else’s – well, anyone else who’s cool with the overall living process and recognizes that random stuff finds its way on the table-top every now and then.

We were able to visit our Arkansas family a week ago for a whirlwind weekend and had a really amazing time reconnecting with everyone we don’t get to see as often as we’d like. We left on a Friday, drove for 11.5 hours, stayed Saturday, Sunday, and were back on our way Monday. No worries – it was definitely worth the drive, and I’d do it again in a heart beat.

But that’s not what this week’s reflection is about.

I particularly remember the sweet silence of entering our Chicago home and reminiscing. And then I remember the surprise – Cody brought up all the stuff on our dining room table (we just kind of threw the stuff down… it was bed time!), and I assumed he was about to complain about the mess we already made. But he didn’t. He said, “Did you see our table? It has all the stuff we love on it. Your manuscript and a pen for editing, my moleskine notebook with work notes I was jotting down, some nice China plates for when we hosted dinner last weekend, the books we’re reading, a picture of Mary and Jesus saying ‘God Bless Our Home’.” He could have kept going, but he didn’t have to.

We took with us – and brought back – our basics: artifacts that represented our love for words, ideas, and people. That means we are becoming the people we imagined we could be, together.

It’s just a snapshot of daily life, but it’s a picture of a life we’re building together. And that’s pretty special.

Year 2, Week 38: He Had Every Reason to be Mad.

Cody could have complained – he had every right to.

I left my leftover lunch in the Tupperware.
In my lunch bag.
For three days.

Yuck.

Background: My mom would often clean up after me because she’s a saint and I’ve always been kind of lazy, and any time anything made me really super uncomfortable (like, gross, smelly food), someone else (Dad?) would take care of it. It’s an uncomfortable truth. I know where the problem comes from. I know where it leads. I do it any way. That, my friends, is what we call a character flaw.

But, when confronted with my mess, Cody didn’t say a thing. I mean, while I was taking a shower, I heard him gag, but that was it. When I was out of the shower, I saw a clean dish and we proceeded as normal. I felt the shame. I thanked him for cleaning it – again – and he just kind of shrugged. I hated myself and promised not to let it get to this point ever again. I’ll let you know if I follow through.

Last week, Cody and I decided we’d take a fairly spontaneous trip down to Arkansas to visit family during the upcoming weekend. On Thursday morning, Cody proclaimed, “I have a goal. I am going to make sure the house is clean before we leave tomorrow so that we can come back to a more appealing home.” I completely agreed – especially with the part where he said “I”.

But I found that, when I came home on Thursday afternoon, I started working on Cody’s goal. I dropped in a load of laundry right away (one of the only chores I prefer, probably because my dad made it a bonding activity for us, instead of something I should scorn). Then, I started washing a load of dishes. I performed these two chores on repeat until the clothes were folded and almost all the dishes were dried.

He didn’t come home right after work like I thought he would. He did send a text around 7:30pm to ask how things were going at home, which I thought was a little strange, since he should have been home around this time. Reminder, if you need one: he was the one who said he was going to clean the house. At 9pm, the house was almost clean, but not because he was home, and definitely not because he told me to.

I love the man so much that his desire for a clean house motivated me to do it as an act of service to show him my love. I knew that he’d really appreciate me packing our bags and cleaning up the house, especially because he knows I’d seriously rather be doing other things.

So he came home a little after midnight to a clean home, gave me a big hug in the morning, and asked if I was mad at him. I answered him honestly, and the answer honestly surprised me.

No, I’m not. I found I meant it, too.

No? Ania, this would have made you so mad before. True.

But this is before he cleaned up my messes and didn’t say a word about it.

It’s like we have our own language now. We don’t have to say anything, but I imagine the conversation runs in its silent current as follows:

Cody: My wife is a slob. But I love her. I know she really hates doing this stuff, and I value a less-smelly house (apparently more than she does) so I’ll clean it up.

This is so gross. But I love her…

Ania (hiding, as Cody is cleaning): Ugh. Why do I do this. Why don’t I just take care of it right away? I feel shame. …Why isn’t he yelling at me? Or at least making me feel bad?

I guess he doesn’t make me feel bad for the same reason I’m not mad at him for not showing up to his own idea of a clean house (haha). I didn’t want to ruin the trip – he’s usually the main cleaner of the house, so it wouldn’t be fair to get mad at him during a rare time he’s out enjoying himself with his colleagues.

Just like I know I have my character flaws, I also know that my husband loves me with extraordinary grace – he gives me love (forgiveness, mercy, goodness..) when I least think I deserve it. I guess you can say I have decided it’s time for me to grow up and start doing the same.

Year 2, Week 36: Preparing for Marriage with Wife Reflections – A Testimonial

I’m surprised this hasn’t come up earlier:

I went to an all-girls high school.
At this school, we were asked to reflect on just about everything.
There was a perpetual joke that we reflect on our reflections.
So it’s not a surprise I have written reflections on my marriage since its inception.

At this “the un-reflected life is not worth living” educational institution, I met a few of the most inspiring women of my life. When I heard from one of those friends that Wife Reflections has been instrumental in helping her prepare for her own marriage, I was rightfully humbled. Me? But I barely know enough myself. That’s why I’m reflecting on it, right?

After I groaned, “I don’t know what to write about this week!” (This usually indicates that there’s plenty to share but I’m hesitant about sharing it with the masses right now.), Abby offered to write a little something. I gave Abby a true Peace-inspired reflection activity: You suggested that Wife Reflections is kind of like “soul food” for you and your future marriage. Please reflect on this.

This is what I am honored to share. Maybe you, dear reader, can relate. Here’s Abby!

“Change, we don’t like it, we fear it.
But we can’t stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
It hurts to grow, anyone who tells you it doesn’t is lying.
But sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, oh sometimes change is good.
Sometimes change is EVERYTHING.”

I feel that amongst even the most self-professed of thrill-seekers and daredevils, there is always a moment (or two) of fear. That fear is what gets your adrenaline pumping after all—the magical hormone that gives you that high that makes the experience so jubilant, memorable and enjoyable. To be the kind of person that grows from that fear, who embraces it knowing that the end result will provide a kind of joy they wouldn’t otherwise know – that is why we make such jumps.

And this is the kind of fleeting but constant, minimal but pervasive fear I’ve felt since exclaiming, “Of course I will!” to my fiancé as he knelt before me 9 months ago. About three and a half months away from our big day, I’m continuing to learn about myself, about him, about our relationship, and about this fear. And amazingly but unsurprisingly, Wife Reflections has been an integral part of our many conversations.

See, I am, as Ania would describe, a fearlessly ambitious person. I run into things head on, plowing ahead to get through to my goal. Much of that is motivation and dedication, but some of it too is that, through keeping busy, I don’t have to give much thought to feelings of uneasiness or fear. A requirement of focus and time to the details of achieving my goal leaves me little time to think about the forthcoming change or fear of the unknown. Fortunately, this system has worked to my advantage quite a bit; but when it came to the idea of my marriage -the lifelong relationship I was building- this was obviously not an option.

Having been separated from formal religion from some time, living 1,000 miles away from most family and friends and being smack in the middle of a rigorous master’s program in nursing, I have reached out for emotional and life support wherever and whenever I can. I have often sought advice from my wonderful mom, from many friends, from literature, news, and other corners of the Internet. When Ania first started this blog after her wedding almost TWO years ago, I was thrilled to be able to share in some moments of her newlywed life. I’ve known Ania and Cody for many years now, and it was such an exciting time in their life.

In typical cliché fashion, I couldn’t have imagined how the reflections and hard work of my soul sister would guide me through these times.

Despite the constant onslaught of how an engagement should go, what makes a successful marriage, and who needs to be invited to the wedding, this blog has always shown the whole picture to me:

The daily ups and downs
the serious and conscious effort that is love and marriage
the exciting and boring times
how each moment can be important and impactful.

Also, as karma and luck would have it, often times when a significant or difficult conversation or argument has arisen between my fiancé and I, that week’s Wife Reflection has amazingly answered a question I didn’t know I’d asked, or provided the reassurance that a particular personality kink didn’t mean my relationship would soon be doomed.

Wife Reflections has prompted conversations between my partner and I, filling in the gaps when we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to say it. Other weeks, it provides food-for-thought—ideas about marriage that I hadn’t previously considered.

Through it all, when I have been tempted to charge ahead and through the minutiae of wedding planning, the reflections have been a reminder that

the wedding is a fun party, but the marriage is the most exciting part
having a partner is comforting and familiar, but should also be challenging and non-complacent
unlike the romanticized shows and movies, being in love is a choice, each and every day, to dedicate yourself to another person. To fight for what you want in your relationship.

So maybe you’re wondering what any or all of this has to do with fear? For me, fear of the unknown of married life had the potential to cripple me – to make me run far away, thinking that knowing what to expect would be more comfortable than heading toward that unknown.

But acknowledging this fear, accepting the fear, sitting in the fear, and allowing the conversation, fueled by the insights of my wonderful friend who has walked before me into marriage, I am moving away from the paralyzing side of fear to the adrenaline side to feel that excitement, and to let that bit of fear be the provider of hopes and dreams… to be motivated by the fear, to fight like hell through the hard stuff to reap the high of love.

Abby looking beautiful at the bridal shower celebrated in her honor!

Year 2, Week 35: Life is short; Prioritize

Here’s a relatively unorganized list of our priorities.

Spend quality time with each other. Even though our schedules don’t really align at all, we make time for each other in the beginnings and ends of every single day.
HUGS. Morning hugs, afternoon hugs, before-bed hugs; it doesn’t matter.
Make time for play time. The daily grind is not sustainable, and it ultimately makes us unhappy, so we have to make time to just have some fun. This means weekends should be generally free of self-inflicted, scheduled, sadness.
Live intentionally; don’t live “other people’s lives” just because it’s popular.
Set time aside frequently for friends and family. Bring people together, especially people who don’t know each other already. We try to make community building our “thing.”
Keep a healthy balance of spontaneous and planned living.
Travel! Where to, how long, how we’ll do it, and why.
Make a ridiculous deal out of when the other comes home (i.e. “shaking our tails”). It’s almost stupid how simple, and yet how effective, it is.
Lots of giggling. Tell awful puns.
Read together in bed.
Don’t be afraid to have hard conversations, especially when we’re not sure how we’ll come to an agreement.
Don’t take each other for granted; life is just too short.
Eat clean, exercise, and live a relatively healthy lifestyle.
Don’t binge-watch shows; we delay-gratify the crap out of Netflix.
Make time away from each other! Absence makes the heart grow fonder and sweetens the reunion that much more; recently, it’s been Montana for me and camping trips for Cody (although I did crash the last one.. sorry I’m not sorry).
“Bed Time is the Best Time!”
Show our love through action (e.g. Cody picks up my messes, and I plug in his phone whenever he forgets).
Take concrete actions towards the achievements of our dreams.
Ask the other hard questions. Wait lovingly for the answer.
Pray at the dinner table. Pray again in bed, if it’s been a tough day.

Year 2, Week 34: ‘Rough Draft’ Talk

I keep forgetting it’s not just me anymore.
But then it is me – my likes, dislikes, and character.
But it’s not just about me anymore.
But how do we talk about stuff when his likes, dislikes, and character, sometimes seems to clash with mine?

This long weekend was tiring. We didn’t do anything crazy. We read a lot, laughed a lot, and walked around beautiful 60-degree sunshiney Chicago a lot, but we also talked a lot.

Or, at least, he talked a lot. And I thought a lot about how I’d respond.
This is a frustrating reflection to write because there isn’t an answer at the end. I just think you should know what the real difficulty is here.

Cody loves “rough draft” talk. “Rough draft” talk is the idea that, without any real aim (or with just a tentative end in mind), the speaker can feel free to just speak. It’s through speaking that she can create, or stumble upon, more ideas than if she had remained silent. I claim to love it, and I encourage my students to do it all the time (“Don’t be afraid! Talk it out! This is how we learn!”), but when it comes to actually practicing it, I freeze like an opossum who never saw the other guy coming.

Example:

Cody and I decided to go out on Friday night (Yay!) to enjoy the spring-weather in mid-February. We were waiting in traffic when a group of teenage girls passed by us and Cody commented, “Jeez. Herd mentality. Our kid will never…”

And that’s all I had to here for every single one of my porcupine needles to spring out of my usually-soft exterior. I’m pretty sure one even flew out of the open window, judging by the echoing shriek from the girls running around outside. I tried to coax them back in, lovingly reminding them that Cody isn’t the enemy and I should just listen and learn from his perspective.

So I asked him what he meant. And I didn’t like what he had to say.
Because I was already on the defensive.

I’m not here to air out our dirty laundry. I’m not even hear to complain that we had a spat – that’s normal stuff. I’m here to describe what happens when I close up, or “needle-out.”

When I feel offended, I stop talking. It’s a hearkening back to “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” There is no rough-draft talk. This makes Cody feel like (hold on, let me ask him).. “I generally assume that I have done something wrong and I can’t fix it because I don’t know what it is. Or, I feel like you’re holding back thoughts that could help us improve our relationship because you’re afraid of causing issues today. I, however, would rather work through any issues today so we can have a happier, more successful tomorrow.” Yes, he really said that. What an English teacher’s dream, amiright?

So I clamp up. In my mind, yes, I am holding something back because I feel like I’m not thinking the way I should be thinking. I look up to Cody so much that sometimes I feel like I’d rather just go along with his way of thinking because he’s older than I am, which means he has spent more time reading than I have and has, at the end of the day, lived more life than I have. I have spent most of my life looking up to my three older brothers, so I have tons of practice putting my thoughts aside to just listen to someone else’s opinions.

But Cody’s not interested in that submission crap. And that means I have to “rough draft” talk when I least want to. I want to speak eloquently always, making perfect sense in every sentence. I don’t want him to snap onto a few words that I may not have even meant, which could cause an even greater misunderstanding. It’s not that I don’t want to work on our relationship, it’s just that uncomfortable conversations really suck, especially when your significant other really wants to know what you think.

So I guess this is just a reflection showing what I know I still have to work on. Cody and I can flirt, joke around, and have surface conversations with the best of them. But what makes our marriage truly ours is how much hard labor we’re willing to pour into the foundation.

And if you want a sturdy foundation, you have to be willing to get dirt under your fingernails, some porcupine needles in your butt, and a lot of rough draft talk to get a perfect blueprint.

Proof from our Friday night that sums up our discomfort. But at least we were full on Mexican and chocolate. ..Maybe that was the problem.

Year 2, Week 27: I found It

I love seeing love celebrated, especially when it’s so present among relationships right in front of you. Cody and I brought in the new year in such a special way, witnessing our best friends vow their lives to each other (as if they had not already spent the previous 10 years of their relationship doing so, but the title does, at the end of the day, make a difference.)

As the bride’s sister said so eloquently during her Maid of Honor speech last night, the couple, Josh and Halyna, are so inspiring because they always look like they’re having the time of their lives – it’s the love between them and the love they share with those around them that makes life an adventure worth embarking on. And they’re some of the best c0-captains I’ve ever seen.

I spent some of the day trying to remember what details and memories I remembered from our wedding day, but I quickly found that, apart from hearing the song I walked down the aisle to, there really were not many times that I was crying tears of joy because of my own wedding day memories – they were all spent in witness of these two human beings, who have been nothing but kind and full of love and laughter towards us since we began spending time with them.

What really touched my heart was what I noticed when I finally took a break from the dance floor.

There was an upbeat song playing, my husband was being entertaining and goofy (EASILY the most comfortable I have EVER seen him in a social setting, EVER), and I was lounging on one of the couches, sipping cool water, observing the couples in front of me.

What I have is not as rare and unattainable as I would have thought.

First, I appreciated the fashion sense of those in attendance; people clean up so well when they want to show A New Year how they want to be treated (with style, elegance, and lots of fun). Next, I lifted my glass to the DJ, a master at seamless transitions and the one responsible for my burning legs and dirty bare feet. He didn’t seem to notice, but I didn’t mind. Finally, my eyes opened to the spectacle before me. [Pardon me for being ambiguous, but it was one of those moments that, if you’re not looking for It (whatever It is), you will totally miss It.] Luckily, I didn’t miss anything. My eyes drank it all in – the women in love with their partners, hair flying around, saucers that have no intention of landing, a radius of rhythm and simultaneous grace, and the men, who jumped around their dates, doing any silly/crazy/goofy move that would make her laugh even harder. I couldn’t help but giggle at all of the antics. It felt like I was cheating, getting a sneak peek into many strong relationships at once. The connections were so palpable and strong.

The majority of the dancing couples are married. But it was one of the most significant times of my marriage that I realized that what I have is not as rare and unattainable as I would have thought. Cody and I were one of the youngest couples there, to be sure, but the quality of our relationship seems to be on par with those who have been together for many years longer. What I absolutely adored was that each and every couple (easily 7 or 8, from my vantage point) looked like they were having the time of their lives. It’s like Josh and Halyna, throughout their relationship, have been finding couples that reflect not only who they are as a couple, but who they want to be, too. It was a humbling experience to be one of those couples. Again – it can never be taken for granted, for it can be gone in the next heart beat. Live through a relationship like that, and you’ll be certain not to hold a grudge for too long. But I digress.

I was validated in all this sentimentality when the groom’s super sweet Midwestern Mom asked me if I noticed something about the couples in the room. I nodded, with a huge smile on my face, and I affirmed, “Yeah, the connections are so strong, and real, aren’t they?” Her eyes just sparkled (Moms are so beautiful when the love they have for their families is so sacrificial and strong and true, aren’t they?). She smiled back and said, “Yes, there was a lot of love in this room. It was something really special.”

To be in the midst of that love -and enjoy such a part in that celebration – is a true blessing to me, and Cody, as we ring in this new year. I’m not sure what it holds for us, but I do know I will continue to be as recklessly hopeful and annoyingly optimistic as I am now. It occurs to me that the joy that is meant to be in the world cannot be felt if we are not open to it. So like I said to another amazing friend who asked me last night how I could be so optimistic, “You have to choose to be grateful. And always keep perspective. That’s what Cody is here for. He keeps showing me what didn’t go wrong.”

May we embrace this new year with eyes wide open, so that we can clearly, wholly, and with all ridiculously optimistic faith, find our It.

Year 2, Week 26: We’ll be home for Christmas

We’re officially half-way through our second year of marriage! This year, we figured out to see both families on the days where presence matters the most.

Christmas becomes more special every year. I realize more and more that what I have in my life cannot be taken for granted. I can be upset with circumstances and unhappy with people’s decisions, but ultimately I have a roof over my head, a warm place to dry my hat and gloves, and a heart that beats.

I am so aware of those people who are lonely, grieving, or sick at this time of the year. I’m also cognizant of those who have everything they’ve ever wanted and still don’t feel the joy of family and the warmth of a loving home. I recognize that what I’ve lived in the past 48 hours is nothing short of a Christmas miracle. It’s what I prayed for when Cody and I were long distance. It makes me want to slap 19 year-old Ania on the wrist and say, “See? We made it work. Now stop your sniffling.”

In my Polish family, Wigilia is celebrated every Christmas Eve, so it’s a given that I will spend every December 24th for the foreseeable future in Chicago. Cody, however, has Christmas Day traditions that I really do not want him (or me!) to miss. I usually flew down to Arkansas on Christmas morning, but Southwest Airlines didn’t offer a non-stop flight this year, and every other airline was making sure anyone who wanted to travel this Christmas wouldn’t have money left over for any presents.

At 1:30 a.m., right after Midnight Mass (during which I played and sang at church) we hopped in the car and made our way to central Arkansas. Cody and I switched as the drivers when one would get tired. He took the hard hours of 2 through 5am and then I took the early hours of the morning until the sun came up a little after 7. It was so cool to drive with no one on the road, embracing the “Silent Night, Holy Night” part of Christmas. The drive went by pretty quickly, and we spent the last couple hours talking about whatever we talked about.

I’m convinced that every couple needs to take a long(er) trip before they get married. If your silences aren’t (too) awkward and you find you’re not running out of things to talk about, the person next to you should stick around.

It has meant so much to me that we were able to spend both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with those we love the most. It is special and I almost feel spoiled for having the opportunity to experience the overwhelming love of two families that Cody and I get to call our own.

On the drive over, as I’m thinking all these things and singing out loud “I’ll be home for Christmas…” my heart just about burst when Cody patted my knee and smiled at me, saying, “I already am.”

Santa’s elves found their way to Arkansas, Rudolph’s red nose replaced by a bright red Toyota.

Year 2, Week 25.5: Work Ethic, for the Record.

While I was half-way through my evaluations of 100+ student writing assessments, I could feel his two blue eyes boring into mine. As if his beckoned mine to attention, I felt my eyebrows begin a dance of surprise, and then suspicion.

“What’s up?” I asked tentatively.
“Nothing. I’m just loving you.”

Who says that? And why does it make me so awkward? All the romance novels I’ve read get this all wrong. It’s like his marriage proposal all over again. When he didn’t laugh at my joke, I realized it was for real. Cue butterflies and sweaty palms.

“..Okayy.. That’s really sweet, but I’m not really doing anything worthy of such an outpouring at the moment.” (God’s grace, anyone? Receiving love when you feel you didn’t do anything to earn it?)

He just kept looking and smiling. He eventually walked away and I felt like I could breathe again. If I had only been drinking red wine at the time, maybe I would have been a bit more suave in my reception of his affection? I don’t want him to feel like it’s not appreciated and dissuade such a courtship.

And then this happened again the next day! But this time, as I was into my 17th essay of the day with bedtime approaching, he had something to say, which I can work with.

“You work really hard.”

It meant a lot to hear him say that. I had been grading so many essays in such a short amount of time, that to hear him acknowledge it seemed to give me even more energy to finish. With a grin, I agreed with him, and affirmed, “Yeah, we do work really hard. I don’t think we’d be together if we didn’t have the work ethic we do.” Future Cody and Ania, I hope you remember that praise goes way further than criticism, especially when babies come into the mix.

Real talk for a second though – I’m also secretly starting to get a little nervous. This whole work ethic/working a lot thing hasn’t just been going on in my own life – he has been getting interrupted sleep himself, having to check for code bugs at midnight.. 3am.. 5am.. It’s been cute to hear him figure out ways to stay in bed but also keep the bright light of broken code away from my sleeping eyes. I also know, however, that the boy is human and the boy needs sleep. SO between the two of us working longer hours than normal, this Christmas will be a very welcome break. This may sound facetious, but I do not want to feel like the computer, or work, or our individual pursuits, are coming between us. But this is what we do – we work our asses off in the winter, hustling among 6 different jobs (between the 2 of us) – so that we can buy plane tickets to explore the world. We climb the mountains with 60 lbs packs up the last 1,000 ft. so that we can enjoy the panoramas together. It’s exhausting, but ultimately worth it.

And, Jesus, it now occurs to me that if I replace “computer” with “future baby,” this sounds like a foreshadowing of what’s to come in a couple years. What’s an added 20 lbs of smiles and poop and cuddles? We can do that.

I want to finish with this.

Let the record state that, in this week of our marriage, Cody did say the following words:

“You know, it’s actually a good thing that I can still function and wake up at weird hours of the night. A baby will need that. I can be that.”

Yes, you surely can be, Cody, baby. 😉

Year 2, Week 24: Thanks, Daddy

This last weekend in Chicago ushered in our first snowfalls and the freezing temperatures. I had to work early on Sunday morning to play at Mass, so the snow was still freshly fallen on the relatively short distance (~2 blocks) between my parents’ house and the church. I was prepared to walk the way (nothing like shock to your lungs to wake someone up for singing). When I drove up to my parents’ house, Dad was already out shoveling the back walk-way. After some exchanged pleasantries, Dad casually asked if I was going to walk or drive to church; I didn’t really think anything of it when I told him I’d be walking. I went inside the house to wrap my fingers around a warm cup of tea. Even though I just left from my home, there’s nothing quite like coming home to Mom and Dad’s. I think even their lemons make the tea sweeter.

When I walked out of the house, Dad smiled and said, “Well, that’s the best I could do with my back.” When I looked, I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how amazing he was, but we’re European and have a hard time saying “I love you” so I just thanked him and told him I’d see him later.

The man had shoveled a straight path as far as the eye could see from our house to the church, so that my feet could have a clear way to Jesus.

And now tell me again that my expectations for my husband may be too high? It’s my dad who gave them to me. He has been my first (and, in many cases, only) example of what it means to be treated with dignity, respect, and worth – as if I’m worth a cleared path on a cold Sunday morning when he should definitely be sleeping in instead. But, thanks to my dad, I feel like I am.

So when Cody went outside to shovel without any prompting from me, I knew the adage is true – A girl finds a man who reminds her of her father. And what’s so exciting for me is that Cody only shows glimmers of what he could be – what I know he will be – and that’s pretty darn remarkable.