wife

Year 2, Week 31: Uncomfortable Conversations

There are so many quotes online about love and relationships, and they usually sound nice and uplifting, but I keep scrolling and move on with my day. I finally stumbled upon one, though, that I thought was right-on and thought it was important to share:

I am willing to claim that uncomfortable conversations are at the heart of every growing relationship. When each person is in the same place in life, conversations are easy; in truth, they’re probably so easy because they’re not quite deeper than discussing one’s likes, dislikes, and past formative events. It gets more challenging when factors beyond one’s control begin entering the equation – a new job, or an opportunity that is located in another city, or a new personality that’s entered the mix that threatens to destroy the dynamic you had grown accustomed to. Regardless of the circumstance, a relationship will always feel like there’s resistance – like there is something “in the way” of it becoming just perfect, or whole, or magical.

It is never whole, perfect, or magical.

It is only your perspective that can make it appear so. Therein lies the magic.

The secret? Remain committed to your person despite the hardest conversation. And, if you don’t have a “your person” yet, stay on the look-out for the type of person you wouldn’t mind having difficult conversations with. The only way to know if that person will be “yours” is if you can have a disagreement, talk it out, and feel like you love him/her more than before.

If it seems simple, that’s because it is. It’s really only the commitment that needs to be tried. Like a wise student told me the other day: “The quality of a relationship depends only on the effort put in.”

Potential difficult conversation topics no one told you to expect during marriage (these could be from experience, or not):
– Who actually pays for the wedding
– What if your vision of your wedding day looks totally different from your future husband’s?
– So we have a joint budget now? No? Yes? Does that mean I can still spend my money how I want? No?
– Wait, so we’re not having a dinner date night every weekend? But I heard it’s important!
– Do we celebrate Valentine’s Day?
– How would you like your birthday celebrated? No, really.
– Why are you actually a slob?
– Family. All the topics and sub-topics and even more you never saw coming.
– When do you want a baby?**
– Do you believe in God?
– Do you believe in unconditional love?
– How much time do we actually want to spend together after work? Do you need more wind-down alone time than I do?
– Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
– What’s your dream? Do our dreams match? Again, the scary part here is that dreams, just like non-negotiables, can change.
– How many times a week do we want home-cooked meals? Who’s going to cook them?
– Wait, what kind of school do you want our kids to go to?
– I’ll add more over time, I’m sure.

**It’s important to note here that before you accept (or propose) a marriage commitment, there are some fundamentals that definitely need to be discussed (not agreed upon, necessarily, but definitely come to a mutual understanding and respect for one another’s views), like whether or not you want kids, how important family really is to you, religious values, etc.

My point is – every couple will have different unforeseen challenges ahead. The goal is to find the person who will want to hear your ideas, feel safe enough to contribute his own, and ultimately see you at the end of the equation, regardless of the method you take to get there.

Year 2, Week 23: You do you, baby.

Dear Cody,

I loved being a witness of your life this weekend. We were able to visit Philadelphia, the city that saw you learn what it’s like to live in the “big city” away from your small town in Arkansas. You are social, so you didn’t have an issue making friends. But it was your involvement in the Drexel Smart House that really helped you become who you are – a loyal leader, an incredible thinker, a good friend.

We started dating when you assumed the role of President in this organization that hopes to create an example of sustainable living for others. We spent hours on Skype not really talking, just typing away – me, at my AP U.S. History homework, and you discussing with your best friend Patrick your latest “politicking” plan to get your ideas in front of the University’s President (because that’s the person you are: Go straight to the top.. sheep skin just isn’t your style). I swear there’s nothing more attractive than a man who goes after what he wants, but makes sure he is being kind, ethical, and overall gracious on his way there. There’s also nothing like seeing you when you’re in your element, leading a community of thinkers towards a common goal (and challenging them to imagine even bigger goals while they’re at it). The way you infuse your humor into intelligence is also quite wonderful. I roll my eyes, but you and I both know I secretly adore you for it. Life would be so boring without you.

So when you were back in your element, laughing hard with friends who are quickly becoming some of my best, I couldn’t help but realize how badly I want your eyes to shine just as brightly when you’re home in Chicago, too. This trip was the first time I heard one of your beloved mentors, Joan, admit how upset she (and many others were) when they heard of your decision to leave Pennsylvania for a girl. You know I’ve often felt guilty for taking you away from Arkansas in case you wanted to be with your family, and I have struggled with not feeling guilty for taking you away from your friends, too.

Not difficult to imagine why Cody’s mentor, Joan, had a hard time letting him go to Chicago, is it?

But then I realized listening to you talk about your own childhood desires this morning on our way to work that it’s not “taking you away” from something as much as it is a “running towards” a life with me in it. And boy, do I feel lucky.

I suppose the point of this random love letter is that I had a chance to really see you this weekend. And what I saw especially was how your eyes danced when you were back in that place of leadership, where the memory of crashing high-profile meetings as a student is not actually that far away.

But I think it’s time for you to make new memories. Take bigger risks. Keep dreaming. Solidify those relationships and build a team of mentors, colleagues, and friends that will get you through the valleys and celebrate with you when you reach those peaks. You are a man full of potential and goodness and love. I am honored to be your wife and will be your rubber ducky whenever you need me to be. Besides, if we’re ever in a rut because you followed my advice, well, now we have it in writing. I’ll stand by you no matter what.

I love you more with each passing day. I am already so proud of you. Now go do big things.

Love,

Ania

Year 2, Week 14: Prayer and Play

This week was the week of miracles – big and small. And it all stemmed from our decision to first let our knees hit the ground and then permit our feet to leap the concrete.

Two weeks ago, we found out some really sad news that Cody’s beloved Nana received an unfortunate diagnosis of cancer. We heard that the doctor told her it’s very likely the cancer began in the torso and then manifested into a tumor, which was not good to hear. This news suggested that the cancer had spread to areas that would prevent the recovery we’d obviously hope for. Cody was understandably broken up by the news.

So I decided to be recklessly hopeful.

I realized the St. Therese of Lisieux novena would be beginning soon, the memory of a woman who lived by the ideal that one can do ordinary things with extraordinary love. Those she lived with didn’t take her seriously as a young woman in the convent, but Therese did her thing anyway. I guess you can say she was the original enforcer of the “kill them with kindness” rule. When she was diagnosed with tuberculosis, she promised a shower of roses. Let me share why this is significant.

The Society of the Little Flower writes, “Shortly after her death, the rain of roses began. Sometimes roses literally appeared, and sometimes just the fragrance of them. Cures of painful and fatal diseases and many other miraculous experiences were attributed to her intercession. Sometimes people found inner peace and regained an inner warmth of spirit and confidence, by appealing to St. Therese. Many miracles and actions of St. Therese do not involve roses. More often than not, marvelous things happen in people’s lives as they ask for her heavenly intercession. The miracles, healings and inner peace come from the trust one places in God, not from any manifestation of roses…. Roses are Therese’s signature. It is her way of whispering to those who need a sign that she has heard, and God is responding. Thousands of people have given witness to the way Therese responds to their petitions and prayers with grace and roses. The grace is more important than the roses.”

I absolutely agree that the grace is more important than the roses, but the fact that roses were every where during this novena convince me this isn’t a farce. We can argue all day about roses being popular flowers, but each day presented a rose in some form.

The night after I began the novena (around 10pm), I remember looking at my bare rose bush in my backyard and hearing my growing cynical voice whispering, “Well, that’s nice. It’ll blossom by the 9th day of the novena. That’ll be a great coincidence.”

After I had prayed the next morning very specifically for a miraculous Nana healing, I was shocked to open my door into my backyard to see three fully blossomed roses on my rose bush. I knew right away I was being listened to – and my faith grew with the petals. I continued to reach out to my closest soul friends and faithful family and I felt my optimism grow, almost dangerously. If this “miracle” wasn’t going to happen, at least I knew I had thrown myself into it. It’s literally the least I could do, with Nana being so far away and my husband’s long face right next to me.

I kept up the praying on the daily, and each day I saw roses in the most unexpected places. Then, on the last day of the novena, we received wonderful news that Nana’s torso CT is clear! The joy I still feel is more relieving than it is overwhelming. First, for obvious reasons that our prayers did something – they truly made a difference. Second, I desperately needed a reminder that God is real. I know we still have more praying to do, but this experience was enough to help remind me and Cody that God really is listening, regardless of what the majority of the world says. You just have to have a little faith.

That was the big miracle.
Here’s the little one.

Last Thursday, I asked Cody if he wanted to go for a walk with me; the weather is beginning to transition to its all-too-familiar blue-grey hue and I needed to feel like I could still go outside if I felt like it. And I felt like it.

After walking in silence for some time, I turned to Cody and asked if he wanted to run for a little while. He grinned and said he will always choose to run if I want to (despite the super nice dress shoes he had on), so I took off at a light jog. Before long, I realized he wasn’t beside me, or even right behind me, so I turned around to see what the hold-up was. He had disappeared, but I didn’t worry – he’s quite the joker. I half-expected him to be running parallel to me on the other side of the block, so I decided to keep up my jog anyway. I would surprise him.

All of a sudden, I heard jingling keys and pumping arms. I turned back and almost tripped because of the laugh that caught in my throat. He was leaping the concrete paths of people’s front lawns and landing on the cool grass, only to let it propel him farther on. I don’t know why I thought this was the funniest image I had seen in a while; maybe it reminded me of when I would run around my neighborhood and be hundreds of feet in front of my friends, feeling the adrenaline of being free. It didn’t matter that we weren’t really going anywhere – just that we were simply going.

This week, prayer made us a little wiser,
play made us 17 and 21 again,

and I swear it made me love him more.

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Year 2, Week 10: Never make assumptions

It was a fun week of swimming, hanging out with my parents, hosting a large party (that had awesome reviews – yay!), and finding our way onto a beach to read and relax. That’s what we did but it’s not what was really on my mind.

I’ll try to be clear, but it’s going to be vague, so prepare yourselves.

It’s official: it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, you will experience miscommunication.

My mistake was assuming that we had moved passed the capability of being in the midst of a conflict spurred on by one of us not understanding the other. Turns out that, when new experiences arise, new conversations have to be had, and if you and he have never been in a certain scenario before – and you don’t actually hold the other person’s worldview (as much as you’re proud of knowing as much as you know) – there will be miscommunication that grew from an assumption that somebody made.

If this doesn’t make sense, that’s okay. I didn’t really believe it until this last week – and it still boggles my mind. How did I misunderstand his intentions so much?

If it’s annoying you that I’m being so vague, that’s because this is how I felt all week: feeling my way around, following one interpretation until it turned out to be wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Year 2, Week 3: Meeting in the Middle

Little did I realize that, when I successfully resolved one long-distance relationship by helping Cody move to Chicago from Philadelphia, I was actually adding an entire community of long-distance relationships to my life.

Since Cody’s family lives in Arkansas, we’re essentially in a long distance relationship with my in-laws and, although some women are muttering “Be thankful for the distance!” I can’t even say I’m grateful for that. I adore my in-laws and see them as an integral part of my own family. It really stinks that we can’t just come over on a Sunday afternoon, have some delicious food, play some board games with our grandparents, swim in their big, beautiful pool, and drive back refreshed, re-energized, and ready for the new week ahead. Instead, I’m perpetually on the look-out for at-least five day weekends so that if we decide to make the ~14 hour drive, we can at least spend a solid three days there.

I'd start walking your way/ You'd start walking mine/ We'd meet in the middle.../ We'd gain a lot of ground/ 'Cause we'd both give a little/ There ain't no road too long/ When we meet in the middle" — “I’d start walking your way/
You’d start walking mine/
We’d meet in the middle…/
We’d gain a lot of ground/
‘Cause we’d both give a little/
There ain’t no road too long/
When we meet in the middle” – “Meet in the Middle” by Diamond Rio

I’m embarrassed to admit how long it took me to realize that there is an alternative. I remember when I was wedding planning one day and realized that we did not need to plan for “only-Arkansas” trips anymore… we could meet in the middle! I immediately called Cody’s mom and asked her what she thought of meeting half-way between our cities of residence. It would mean six hour drives, but six hours is preferable to fourteen – right? Thankfully, she agreed, and we had our first “Meet in the Middle” trip in St. Louis a few months ago. We had our second trip this last weekend, in Cape Girardeau!

This was the song Cody and I would listen to while we were long-distance, dreaming about the day we’d be able to enjoy the fact that we’re close enough to easily walk to each other.

It was wonderful to spend time with the set of parents we don’t get to see as often, and I have to admit that even when we left on Sunday after a full day and half together (you take what you can get when you’re long-distance, no matter what), I still felt pretty sad. Even though we’ve tried out this half-way way of doing things, we’re still not able to have the experiences spent with Cody’s more extended family, especially his grandparents. We really miss them!

So as much as we love the shorter commute time, I think it’s time to just “bite the bullet” as they say and take the longer drive to see our Nana, Pa, PawPaw and MawMaw.

Like Tim McGraw says in his song Humble and Kind, “Visit grandpa every chance that you get – it won’t be wasted time.”

Year 2, Week 2: “Nah, that was all her.”

When Cody and I were still in the throngs of long-distance dating, I had the chance of visiting his hometown, which is a good 45-minute drive from Hot Springs, Arkansas. Every time I would visit, though, I made sure we would have a chance to walk up and down the streets of quaint little downtown Hot Springs.

One day, Cody decided he wanted to show me a little more of Hot Springs and walked us a whole block over to where some of the trails begin. He wanted to show me where he used to hike as a teenager – but it happened to be a little off-path, and this Chicago girl didn’t really like to climb. But I did it anyway because, you know, he’s a country boy and I was into that – and I wanted him into me, too.

As I was huffing and puffing my way up the “mountain” (after being in the Rockies, it’s tough to call the Hot Springs hills mountains), I remember Cody looking back, grinning, and saying, “Come on, city girl.” I also very clearly remember my response – motivation that came out of no where, a glare of the eyes, and a sudden increase in stride and pace until I pushed passed him. He laughed and laughed – and although I didn’t show it, my heart was laughing, too. We have brought up that day many a time, but it surprisingly did not come out during this last hiking and camping trip through the Rockies this last week.

Instead
I heard things like:

“You’re a champ. Thank you for being here.”

We figured out a little later that if I have my hood up, the wind won't make me feel like I'm able to topple over with dizziness. I also think this picture is a testament to how comfortable we are with each other - if you don't find the forefront as attractive, simply cast your eyes beyond us. — We figured out a little later that if I have my hood up, the wind won’t make me feel like I’m able to topple over with dizziness. I also think this picture is a testament to how comfortable we are with each other – if you don’t find the forefront as attractive, simply cast your eyes beyond us.

“Ania, take it slow. I don’t need you hitting your head on a rock because you’re feeling dizzy.” (At 12,000 ft. high near Granite Pass, on our way to Longs Peak)

“You’re being stubborn. We can stop here and enjoy the view just fine. We don’t have to follow [our two friends who just plowed forward].”

“Here, I’ll hold you until the wind gust passes.”

And one of my favorites that I heard during a chill hike through the forest: “Nah, that was all her.” (This was in response to one of our friends asking if the business idea I was discussing was a result of the lectures Cody purchased a few months ago about starting -and maintaining- a successful business.) I think I like that Cody said it because it shows how much my husband respects my own individual thoughts, ideas, and subsequent actions and gives credit where credit’s due.

We may have simply gotten better at speaking words of affirmation at this point in our relationship, but I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate his appreciation and patience with me. Eight years ago, Cody may have been motivating me to climb a little higher while simultaneously heckling me, but this time I was the one pulling us higher onto the mountain. We work together that way – when one’s tired, the other carries, but motivates the other to get back up soon. I guess that’s what keeps us moving, one foot in front of the other..

The view from the top! I loved seeing Cody's happiness when we were both up here able to enjoy it together. Hard (stubborn) work pays off! — The view from the top! I loved seeing Cody’s happiness when we were both up here able to enjoy it together. Hard (stubborn) work pays off!

Let’s discuss!

Wives – What’s your favorite way of affirming your husband and also being affirmed in return?

Wives in Training (W.I.T.) and Men – Read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. It will totally transform how you perceive both yourself and your current and future partner in terms of how you give and receive love. Comment what your love language is below!

Year 2, Week 1: Because he wanted to

When Cody brought up the possibility of us joining our two best friends in Denver for a 5-day back country camping trip, I was admittedly hesitant. I’ve never been camping before, so this was going to be a completely different experience for me. You can probably understand, then, that I was quite surprised with myself when I responded with enthusiasm: “Of course I’d love to go!” And I was even more shocked with my sudden sense of adventure when I realized that I wasn’t lying. It was an easy decision when I could see the hope and excitement in his eyes at the prospect of me saying “yes.”

And it makes me wonder if that is not only a part but a large part of the beauty of marriage: sacrificial love to make the other happy. I’m beginning to believe that saying “yes” when you don’t know whether you’ll like something, simply because you know it’ll make your partner happy, is one of the keys to a happy marriage. I had faith that, even if I was signing up for an experience I wouldn’t completely love, I knew I’d embrace it because Cody was happier as a result of my choice. That made the entire choice worth it.

Getting off trail for a little while and finding this random boulder to climb and have lunch on was something I wouldn’t have had a chance to do if I had stayed home and told Cody to have his own “trip with the boys.”

Because I accepted Cody's invitation to camp, I got to be "one of the guys" and enjoy an experience right alongside him - something he really hoped I'd agree to. And I had a great time! — Because I accepted Cody’s invitation to camp with some of his best friends, I got to be “one of the guys” while also being his wife, enjoying all the same experiences right alongside him – something he really hoped I’d agree to. And I had a great time! We built memories to last the test of time – and calf muscles. We also built those.

Let’s Discuss!

Wives – What have you tried recently just because your husband asked you to? How did it turn out?

W.I.T. (Wives in Training) – Do you think that, by agreeing to this experience, I was being submissive in any way? I mean, it wasn’t really my idea to go…

Friendly reminder: Any unfriendly comments will not be tolerated.