Year 2, Week 52: The Best “Us” Way to Celebrate

Dear Cody,

It’s been two years since I told you I’d stick by your side no matter what shenanigans befall us – or, more likely, the shenanigans we get ourselves into.

I’ve become a better person by your side, which is the point, I think, of choosing someone to spend so much of your time with. Because of your influence in my daily life, I have become more comfortable being silly,

more sure of my own convictions, more assertive when it comes to making choices that are most healthy for me, and closer to becoming the type of woman who makes moves towards making her dreams a reality (instead of being the type who just talks about them all the time).

Over this past year, I’ve embraced the fact that teasing you back is way more fun than just rolling my eyes. I’ve cherished our long hugs even more than ever before, because it means that my foundation is strongest in your arms. You have helped me see that, despite all the giving and sacrificing I love to do, that relationships need to be two-way streets in order to be healthy for everyone involved.

Watching you ask so many questions invites me to ask my own – a practice that you encourage more than any teacher I’ve ever known.

You helped me write my first book (!!!), getting rid of any doubts I long held about myself, any distractions that might get in the way, and driving me to my super understanding in-laws in Arkansas for Thanksgiving so I could finish writing my self-imposed and community-driven goal of 50,000 words.

And you’ll be there when I print and publish the WifeReflections guided journal and the NaNoWriMo final draft. I fully expect a happy dance and can already feel the joy of that celebration.

The last 24 hours have been the most perfect Ania and Cody way to celebrate our two years as a married couple.

We saw Niagara Falls together, crossing over into the Canadian border and back again, thankful that our spontaneously-planning brains thought of bringing our passports just in case.

Excited that we’re free to roam, but subtly nervous in case the Canadians don’t like us.

Relieved that, not only did the Canadians like us, but that we were able to ride the Hornblower closer to the falls.

Some of my favorite moments are watching Cody truly in awe. I’m so grateful he takes time to enjoy the beauty of the world.

After we got over the fact that the speed limit was now shown in km/hr and I had promised not to get arrested for accidentally breaking the law, we decided to enjoy the ride. Thankfully, you’re the type of person who notices when nature is being extra awesome, so we stopped at the most beautifully-located Lakehouse restaurant overlooking Lake Ontario because, “Ania! Oh my goodness! Look at that! No, seriously, look!”

The double-rainbow was the best indication that we were on the right path.

Beautiful location on Lake Ontario. The best spontaneous “I guess this is where we celebrate our anniversary because we won’t find any better in Chicago” date.

We decided that Lake Ontario looks so gorgeous here because it appears borderless and, therefore, more awesome. Good job, Canada.

Thanks for making me feel pretty even though I didn’t have a chance to get all dolled-up for our dinner.

P.S. I’m also grateful that the prices turned out to be in Canadian dollars, but the fact that you were willing to spend more without complaint to make our experience special says that you are not a total Scrooge as first-year-married-Ania thought. I rescind my prior accu-sumption.

And then we were back in the States this morning, just in time to teach my scheduled piano lessons and let you get back to work by 3pm Central Time.

The fact that I feel so at peace is a testament to our entire year together.

We have grown so much, whether the moves we’ve made have been calculated or they have totally taken us by surprise. I am so grateful that we’re in this together.

You are my favorite travel partner – along any ol’ highway, through a mountain’s long-winding trail, and definitely in this marriage we vowed to protect, nurture, and enjoy.

I will always choose you. Happy 2nd Anniversary. May there be many, many, many more. Like, I want people to be like, “What?! So many years? When did they get married, when they were like, 5?”

I love you,

Ania

Year 2, Week 26: We’ll be home for Christmas

We’re officially half-way through our second year of marriage! This year, we figured out to see both families on the days where presence matters the most.

Christmas becomes more special every year. I realize more and more that what I have in my life cannot be taken for granted. I can be upset with circumstances and unhappy with people’s decisions, but ultimately I have a roof over my head, a warm place to dry my hat and gloves, and a heart that beats.

I am so aware of those people who are lonely, grieving, or sick at this time of the year. I’m also cognizant of those who have everything they’ve ever wanted and still don’t feel the joy of family and the warmth of a loving home. I recognize that what I’ve lived in the past 48 hours is nothing short of a Christmas miracle. It’s what I prayed for when Cody and I were long distance. It makes me want to slap 19 year-old Ania on the wrist and say, “See? We made it work. Now stop your sniffling.”

In my Polish family, Wigilia is celebrated every Christmas Eve, so it’s a given that I will spend every December 24th for the foreseeable future in Chicago. Cody, however, has Christmas Day traditions that I really do not want him (or me!) to miss. I usually flew down to Arkansas on Christmas morning, but Southwest Airlines didn’t offer a non-stop flight this year, and every other airline was making sure anyone who wanted to travel this Christmas wouldn’t have money left over for any presents.

At 1:30 a.m., right after Midnight Mass (during which I played and sang at church) we hopped in the car and made our way to central Arkansas. Cody and I switched as the drivers when one would get tired. He took the hard hours of 2 through 5am and then I took the early hours of the morning until the sun came up a little after 7. It was so cool to drive with no one on the road, embracing the “Silent Night, Holy Night” part of Christmas. The drive went by pretty quickly, and we spent the last couple hours talking about whatever we talked about.

I’m convinced that every couple needs to take a long(er) trip before they get married. If your silences aren’t (too) awkward and you find you’re not running out of things to talk about, the person next to you should stick around.

It has meant so much to me that we were able to spend both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with those we love the most. It is special and I almost feel spoiled for having the opportunity to experience the overwhelming love of two families that Cody and I get to call our own.

On the drive over, as I’m thinking all these things and singing out loud “I’ll be home for Christmas…” my heart just about burst when Cody patted my knee and smiled at me, saying, “I already am.”

Santa’s elves found their way to Arkansas, Rudolph’s red nose replaced by a bright red Toyota.

Year 2, Week 7: Long distance… again?

This found poem, created by Austin Kleon, was my gift to Cody in honor of our first wedding anniversary. It’s nothing too fancy: a piece of paper housed in a simple black frame. This poem best describes my perception of marriage as a safety from never having to do long distance ever again (if you’re in the same bathroom, you’re not exactly counting down the days until the next time you get see each other!). In fact, one of my favorite things ever about marriage is the sense of security I feel when I realize my best friend won’t leave my side – he promised that much. And the man keeps his promises.

So what is this feeling I get when Cody walks in the house after a long day at work and, with a grin, tells me about his plan to apply for an opportunity that gets his blood flowing in all the right places? He can work for his current company and learn something new somewhere else.

Yes! Go for it, baby! I have no doubt they’ll see your value and accept you right on the spot. You’ve been waiting a while to have this feeling pulling you towards something so strongly. Embrace it.

Where are they located again? I asked. Sorry, I may have missed it when you said it earlier.

…Mexico?

Hm. Well.
I support you, no matter what. You know that.

But isn’t marriage not leaving?
I guess 2 months isn’t that long; military couples are apart for way longer. This could be so good for him!
I’ll be fine; I’ve been finding ways to entertain myself since 1992.

But I thought this long distance thing was done.
But I did get to travel in Spain for a month and then go to Montana on my own, too… He should have the same freedom!

Will we be apart for Thanksgiving? Or his birthday? Or my birthday?
Grr.
Obviously I need to let him go and be 150% supportive,
but it’s hard being supportive.

I thought marriage meant not leaving.
But two individuals following their passions is more important than two individuals squandering their desires simply to be standing in the same bathroom at the same time, flossing miserably.

I suppose he can watch me brush my teeth via Skype. It’s not like we haven’t done it before.

Year 2, Week 6: Better Together

My husband has always loved water; maybe all the ponds, lakes, rivers, and oceans he’s fallen in love with are all reflected in the blue eyes with which he shows his love for me (yeah, yeah, okay, too corny, even for me). In all seriousness though, the sight of water really does calm Cody, massaging his soul more than music, exercise, and even reading.

For me, an equivalent escape has always been found amidst mountains. It’s hard to explain the feeling I get the moment I see a change in topography from my Midwestern plains to a lift in the land. I am filled with anticipation and quiet expectation – what will I learn about myself here? What will be revealed while I’m here? Where do I need to feel small in my life again? What will I finally embrace about myself? To find myself in the mountains is to be reminded that life is a gift to be treasured and used wisely – It is the realization that I am actually very small.

Cody’s escape is water; mine is the mountain air. Er, that’s how it usually was, anyway.

Cody has been to many incredible mountain ranges already, but I felt particularly honored when I was able to watch him fall in love with the mountains like I had a decade before. I will never forget how much joy was radiating from my husband when we had gone as close to Long’s Peak in the Rocky Mountains as we physically could as a group.

Cody pointing out the snow over yonder. Look at that big ol’ smile!

The boy could have done fifty cartwheels and not tire. His pure joy was shining – the boy was a happy human and I was excited to see him so happy.So fast forward to this last weekend when we were at the lake. I had an incredible time, and Cody noticed how much I was enjoying myself

by frequently commenting how much he loves “Summer Ania”, telling me “[I] should keep her around” even when I have to start teaching in a couple weeks again.

I was sad to leave when the sun went down, but my heart was soaring on the car ride back home. Cody could probably feel it because he broke our thoughtful silence:

“You know what’s funny? How you felt today is how I felt when I was in the mountains. And mountains are usually your thing and water is usually mine.”

I thought about his observation and added, “You had your best friends in the mountains and, today, I was with one of my closest friends by the water. Maybe it doesn’t matter so much where you are but rather who you’re with.”

And, honestly, even though we’ve had wonderful opportunities to travel so much this year, the biggest reason they’ve been so extraordinary is because we’re seeing these places together. We’re hiking the same paths, “ooh”ing at the same sights, and reminiscing about the same memories when we’re lounging on our living room floor months after we’ve returned.

Even when we’re home, however, we’re seeking those same memories to make with people who are important to us: friends that have become family and, on the opposite side of the spectrum, those we’ve met that we hope become good friends.

At the end of the day, Cody and I are building our very own village:
even though life is being kind today, who will be by our side when life becomes difficult tomorrow? Who will help us raise our children into good people? Who laughs at the same things we do, and cares about the world in the same capacity? And – most importantly – who will help us be our best selves so that our marriage continues to be a refuge where we don’t feel the need to escape anymore?

Year 2, Week 3: Meeting in the Middle

Little did I realize that, when I successfully resolved one long-distance relationship by helping Cody move to Chicago from Philadelphia, I was actually adding an entire community of long-distance relationships to my life.

Since Cody’s family lives in Arkansas, we’re essentially in a long distance relationship with my in-laws and, although some women are muttering “Be thankful for the distance!” I can’t even say I’m grateful for that. I adore my in-laws and see them as an integral part of my own family. It really stinks that we can’t just come over on a Sunday afternoon, have some delicious food, play some board games with our grandparents, swim in their big, beautiful pool, and drive back refreshed, re-energized, and ready for the new week ahead. Instead, I’m perpetually on the look-out for at-least five day weekends so that if we decide to make the ~14 hour drive, we can at least spend a solid three days there.

I'd start walking your way/ You'd start walking mine/ We'd meet in the middle.../ We'd gain a lot of ground/ 'Cause we'd both give a little/ There ain't no road too long/ When we meet in the middle" — “I’d start walking your way/
You’d start walking mine/
We’d meet in the middle…/
We’d gain a lot of ground/
‘Cause we’d both give a little/
There ain’t no road too long/
When we meet in the middle” – “Meet in the Middle” by Diamond Rio

I’m embarrassed to admit how long it took me to realize that there is an alternative. I remember when I was wedding planning one day and realized that we did not need to plan for “only-Arkansas” trips anymore… we could meet in the middle! I immediately called Cody’s mom and asked her what she thought of meeting half-way between our cities of residence. It would mean six hour drives, but six hours is preferable to fourteen – right? Thankfully, she agreed, and we had our first “Meet in the Middle” trip in St. Louis a few months ago. We had our second trip this last weekend, in Cape Girardeau!

This was the song Cody and I would listen to while we were long-distance, dreaming about the day we’d be able to enjoy the fact that we’re close enough to easily walk to each other.

It was wonderful to spend time with the set of parents we don’t get to see as often, and I have to admit that even when we left on Sunday after a full day and half together (you take what you can get when you’re long-distance, no matter what), I still felt pretty sad. Even though we’ve tried out this half-way way of doing things, we’re still not able to have the experiences spent with Cody’s more extended family, especially his grandparents. We really miss them!

So as much as we love the shorter commute time, I think it’s time to just “bite the bullet” as they say and take the longer drive to see our Nana, Pa, PawPaw and MawMaw.

Like Tim McGraw says in his song Humble and Kind, “Visit grandpa every chance that you get – it won’t be wasted time.”

Year 2, Week 2: “Nah, that was all her.”

When Cody and I were still in the throngs of long-distance dating, I had the chance of visiting his hometown, which is a good 45-minute drive from Hot Springs, Arkansas. Every time I would visit, though, I made sure we would have a chance to walk up and down the streets of quaint little downtown Hot Springs.

One day, Cody decided he wanted to show me a little more of Hot Springs and walked us a whole block over to where some of the trails begin. He wanted to show me where he used to hike as a teenager – but it happened to be a little off-path, and this Chicago girl didn’t really like to climb. But I did it anyway because, you know, he’s a country boy and I was into that – and I wanted him into me, too.

As I was huffing and puffing my way up the “mountain” (after being in the Rockies, it’s tough to call the Hot Springs hills mountains), I remember Cody looking back, grinning, and saying, “Come on, city girl.” I also very clearly remember my response – motivation that came out of no where, a glare of the eyes, and a sudden increase in stride and pace until I pushed passed him. He laughed and laughed – and although I didn’t show it, my heart was laughing, too. We have brought up that day many a time, but it surprisingly did not come out during this last hiking and camping trip through the Rockies this last week.

Instead
I heard things like:

“You’re a champ. Thank you for being here.”

We figured out a little later that if I have my hood up, the wind won't make me feel like I'm able to topple over with dizziness. I also think this picture is a testament to how comfortable we are with each other - if you don't find the forefront as attractive, simply cast your eyes beyond us. — We figured out a little later that if I have my hood up, the wind won’t make me feel like I’m able to topple over with dizziness. I also think this picture is a testament to how comfortable we are with each other – if you don’t find the forefront as attractive, simply cast your eyes beyond us.

“Ania, take it slow. I don’t need you hitting your head on a rock because you’re feeling dizzy.” (At 12,000 ft. high near Granite Pass, on our way to Longs Peak)

“You’re being stubborn. We can stop here and enjoy the view just fine. We don’t have to follow [our two friends who just plowed forward].”

“Here, I’ll hold you until the wind gust passes.”

And one of my favorites that I heard during a chill hike through the forest: “Nah, that was all her.” (This was in response to one of our friends asking if the business idea I was discussing was a result of the lectures Cody purchased a few months ago about starting -and maintaining- a successful business.) I think I like that Cody said it because it shows how much my husband respects my own individual thoughts, ideas, and subsequent actions and gives credit where credit’s due.

We may have simply gotten better at speaking words of affirmation at this point in our relationship, but I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate his appreciation and patience with me. Eight years ago, Cody may have been motivating me to climb a little higher while simultaneously heckling me, but this time I was the one pulling us higher onto the mountain. We work together that way – when one’s tired, the other carries, but motivates the other to get back up soon. I guess that’s what keeps us moving, one foot in front of the other..

The view from the top! I loved seeing Cody's happiness when we were both up here able to enjoy it together. Hard (stubborn) work pays off! — The view from the top! I loved seeing Cody’s happiness when we were both up here able to enjoy it together. Hard (stubborn) work pays off!

Let’s discuss!

Wives – What’s your favorite way of affirming your husband and also being affirmed in return?

Wives in Training (W.I.T.) and Men – Read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. It will totally transform how you perceive both yourself and your current and future partner in terms of how you give and receive love. Comment what your love language is below!

Year 2, Week 1: Because he wanted to

When Cody brought up the possibility of us joining our two best friends in Denver for a 5-day back country camping trip, I was admittedly hesitant. I’ve never been camping before, so this was going to be a completely different experience for me. You can probably understand, then, that I was quite surprised with myself when I responded with enthusiasm: “Of course I’d love to go!” And I was even more shocked with my sudden sense of adventure when I realized that I wasn’t lying. It was an easy decision when I could see the hope and excitement in his eyes at the prospect of me saying “yes.”

And it makes me wonder if that is not only a part but a large part of the beauty of marriage: sacrificial love to make the other happy. I’m beginning to believe that saying “yes” when you don’t know whether you’ll like something, simply because you know it’ll make your partner happy, is one of the keys to a happy marriage. I had faith that, even if I was signing up for an experience I wouldn’t completely love, I knew I’d embrace it because Cody was happier as a result of my choice. That made the entire choice worth it.

Getting off trail for a little while and finding this random boulder to climb and have lunch on was something I wouldn’t have had a chance to do if I had stayed home and told Cody to have his own “trip with the boys.”

Because I accepted Cody's invitation to camp, I got to be "one of the guys" and enjoy an experience right alongside him - something he really hoped I'd agree to. And I had a great time! — Because I accepted Cody’s invitation to camp with some of his best friends, I got to be “one of the guys” while also being his wife, enjoying all the same experiences right alongside him – something he really hoped I’d agree to. And I had a great time! We built memories to last the test of time – and calf muscles. We also built those.

Let’s Discuss!

Wives – What have you tried recently just because your husband asked you to? How did it turn out?

W.I.T. (Wives in Training) – Do you think that, by agreeing to this experience, I was being submissive in any way? I mean, it wasn’t really my idea to go…

Friendly reminder: Any unfriendly comments will not be tolerated.