Tag: routine

Year 3, Week 19: New Routines & Routine Affection

Cody was offered an amazing job located in Palo Alto, California, with the promise that he can work remotely and (with some conditions, of course) travel/live abroad. I am so excited for this change, mostly because he had started falling prey to “living half asleep” (see Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom)- coming home visibly uneasy and agitated, trying to find other things to keep him enthused, or simply subscribing to the idea that this was how life needed to be right now.

But I knew better. And, at the end of the day, so did he.

I will not allow Cody to be bogged down by the sadness of the world – how else will he help keep my own positivity afloat? Less self-servingly, though, I believe in my husband’s intelligence and zest for life too much to watch him surrender that joy to earn money that we can’t take with us when we go anyway (here he’ll argue that he’s creating a legacy for our family, blahblahblah. It’s not wrong; I’m just different).

I promised to love him in good times and bad – but I’m also allowed to show him when he’s in a bad time and help love him out of it.

Cody spent the last two weeks in California for his orientation. Thankfully, we’ve had practice in the Ways of Long-Distance Relationships.

For those who aren’t familiar, here are
The Basics of Long-Distance Relationships
– Send a morning email to wish him well. Did you forget? Look at that, he owns a computer, too. With 2 hours difference between y’all, he picked up the slack.
– Continue on with your day. Get it, gurl.
– Ya gotta schedule a mid-day call. Check in. Say “hello,” “I love you,” and “Keep gettin’ ’em, tiger.”
– Live your independent daydreams. You’ll have more to talk about if you’re each doing your own thing(s) to the best of your abilit(ies).
– Good night video chat. Laugh, blow kisses, and fall asleep feeling loved.

Incredibly, it worked out that both of our best friends (ie our Maid of Honor and Best Man) were in San Francisco as well! I booked incredibly priced plane tickets and join them out there. It was perfect. When I was in San Francisco, I loved that he was more affectionate than ever. Or maybe I was just noticing it more.

And now, with him back home, I can’t stop appreciating the small gestures: a grazed neck with gentle fingertips here, a bear hug from behind there, and hugs that last as long as it takes.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I don’t think it’s a miracle that our relationship feels stronger than before – we put in the work while we were apart. It’s hard to fall apart when you keep showing up.

And I suppose that’s Marriage 101. Build a routine and have routine affection.

Year 2, Week 16: “Bed time is the best time!”

This last New Year’s Eve, Cody and I decided that, in addition to our own individual New Year’s resolutions, we’d also create “Couple Goals.” In that Goals list were things like cooking healthier meals with fresher ingredients, creating and maintaining budgets, and even setting a regular bed time that we’d follow.

It’s this regular bed time that I want to reflect on this week.

I would not be the relatively high-functioning, usually kind and happy-go-lucky person if I did not receive at least 7 hours and 15 minutes of sleep every night (yes, I’ve noticed the pattern and no, it does not make me lame). Waking up with enough dream-juice in the tank helps me do everything I need to do with hundreds of different personalities every day (yay, teaching!). Without it, I am simply a lesser version of myself, and that’s not cool for anybody. I become shorter-tempered and eat way more than I need to. And I am way too much of a control-freak to be ruled by the monster that is Lack of Sleep.

So at 8:30pm, an alarm goes off on Cody’s phone reminding us to clean-up around the house (any clothes on the floor or dishes that need to be washed are ideally tended to at this time). This alarm is boring.

At 9:05, however, another alarm sings, heralding my absolute favorite time of the day. Bed Time.*

*Hilarious, because I remember never falling asleep at my parents-requested 9pm bedtime. I realize now this was their bed-time, not mine. Sorry, Dad.

Sometime around 9:30, I make a big show of diving into all the covers and smile up at Cod as he closes the door for the night. “Bed time is the best time!” I always sing. And he laughs every time and joins me in the sea of blankets.

“Bed time is the best time!”

It’s either the over-tiredness or complete comfort we feel in each other’s presence, but I swear we’re at our funniest right before bed. We crank out the punniest jokes and find ways to make lighter those rougher days. We literally find a way to laugh out the bad stuff.

It’s crazy to point out, though, that I never would have realized how important our bed-time ritual is to our marriage if we had not spent this weekend away from home. I would have continued to take it completely for granted. Instead, my in-laws (parents and grands) commented the next morning on what they heard before we fell asleep after our 2:30am arrival:

We couldn’t stop giggling.

And this is a regular thing – but because I hadn’t had a chance to stop to appreciate it, I kept taking it for granted.

Bed time is the best time because my bed-time is full of security and snuggles and so so so so so much laughter. I believe it’s a testament to how vulnerable and open we have become with each other, and I couldn’t feel more blessed to have it this way.

So if you ever invite us over to your home to spend the night, apparently you will have noises keeping you up for a little while. But don’t worry – I hear laughter is contagious.