There. I’ve said it.
This year of marriage has been the most difficult for me.
Did you see any WifeReflections?
Right.
See, I thought that “making it” to Year Five meant that we’d figured everything out and didn’t need to “protect the house” as much. I kept hearing about year 2 or 3 being so rough, but we enjoyed those so much (and I made sure we’d never be “those” couples, so… Our preventative maintenance wasn’t as strong as it used to be. We started to take each other for granted. I’d come home from work, find him in his office, so I’d go to mine, work on my novel, live in my own world, and then we’d maybe watch an episode of a show during dinner. He’d keep working, I’d go to bed, and in the morning, we’d do it all over again. We’re super independent people, so this set-up was preferable for achieving our goals. Totally not helpful when you’re in a relationship. Especially not helpful when you’re married. SUPER bad when you start feeling like your spouse is more of a decent roommate than your best friend.
It happened slowly. It happened when we had our guards down. When we started taking each other for granted.
And then we were in crisis mode. But we are, thank God, committed to working on it. To handling it. To prioritizing our partnership above all else. To pursue marriage counseling. To essentially unlearn all the bad habits we had picked up along the way, stripped down to the basics, and build again – relearning communication styles and what it means to be an empathetic listener and how to be able to be separate people while also allowing the space between us to be safe, sacred, and ours.
And that’s the key, I do believe, of what I’ve learned this last year of marriage.
Look at your partner like it’s the first day you’ve ever known them. They’ve never seen this day before – and neither have you. Give them the benefit of the doubt, over and over and over again. Put aside what you think you want and focus on what THEY might need to have their day a little smoother. Add currency into the emotional bank account. Learn your partner’s bids for connection. Practice empathetic listening. Most of all, never take for granted that your relationship will always be as “great” or “terrible” as it is now: if it’s not in a good spot, it CAN get better. If it’s in the best shape its in, keep working at it. It’s when one person stops pedaling, or the other gets distracted, that the bike can get off track.
And so today, on our sixth wedding anniversary, it feels important to thank Cody for being willing to work on this marriage with me, for his mercy when I fail to be the wife he deserves, and for making me laugh like no one ever has, day after day after day.
When Cody asked what I wanted for this anniversary, the answer was easy: You, Cody. I want you. Having you in my life is already more than enough. But also if you wouldn’t mind one day letting the cat on the bed so she can cuddle with me, that would also be fine.
Just kidding.
Kind of.
Okay, bye, love you!
