husband

Year 2, Week 31: Uncomfortable Conversations

There are so many quotes online about love and relationships, and they usually sound nice and uplifting, but I keep scrolling and move on with my day. I finally stumbled upon one, though, that I thought was right-on and thought it was important to share:

I am willing to claim that uncomfortable conversations are at the heart of every growing relationship. When each person is in the same place in life, conversations are easy; in truth, they’re probably so easy because they’re not quite deeper than discussing one’s likes, dislikes, and past formative events. It gets more challenging when factors beyond one’s control begin entering the equation – a new job, or an opportunity that is located in another city, or a new personality that’s entered the mix that threatens to destroy the dynamic you had grown accustomed to. Regardless of the circumstance, a relationship will always feel like there’s resistance – like there is something “in the way” of it becoming just perfect, or whole, or magical.

It is never whole, perfect, or magical.

It is only your perspective that can make it appear so. Therein lies the magic.

The secret? Remain committed to your person despite the hardest conversation. And, if you don’t have a “your person” yet, stay on the look-out for the type of person you wouldn’t mind having difficult conversations with. The only way to know if that person will be “yours” is if you can have a disagreement, talk it out, and feel like you love him/her more than before.

If it seems simple, that’s because it is. It’s really only the commitment that needs to be tried. Like a wise student told me the other day: “The quality of a relationship depends only on the effort put in.”

Potential difficult conversation topics no one told you to expect during marriage (these could be from experience, or not):
– Who actually pays for the wedding
– What if your vision of your wedding day looks totally different from your future husband’s?
– So we have a joint budget now? No? Yes? Does that mean I can still spend my money how I want? No?
– Wait, so we’re not having a dinner date night every weekend? But I heard it’s important!
– Do we celebrate Valentine’s Day?
– How would you like your birthday celebrated? No, really.
– Why are you actually a slob?
– Family. All the topics and sub-topics and even more you never saw coming.
– When do you want a baby?**
– Do you believe in God?
– Do you believe in unconditional love?
– How much time do we actually want to spend together after work? Do you need more wind-down alone time than I do?
– Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
– What’s your dream? Do our dreams match? Again, the scary part here is that dreams, just like non-negotiables, can change.
– How many times a week do we want home-cooked meals? Who’s going to cook them?
– Wait, what kind of school do you want our kids to go to?
– I’ll add more over time, I’m sure.

**It’s important to note here that before you accept (or propose) a marriage commitment, there are some fundamentals that definitely need to be discussed (not agreed upon, necessarily, but definitely come to a mutual understanding and respect for one another’s views), like whether or not you want kids, how important family really is to you, religious values, etc.

My point is – every couple will have different unforeseen challenges ahead. The goal is to find the person who will want to hear your ideas, feel safe enough to contribute his own, and ultimately see you at the end of the equation, regardless of the method you take to get there.

Year 2, Week 17: “How Many Kids Do We Have Again?”

Last Thursday we received text messages from some of the kiddos in our lives. One was from a sixth grader who’s just started playing basketball and was excited to invite us to a 7:45pm game the following Friday night, and the other text was sent by our sophomore Poms girl who wanted to know if I could come see her perform at the football half-time show a few hours earlier on the same day.

Of course I said yes. It didn’t matter that my free Friday night just turned into a definitely-not-free Friday night, or that I had told them I’d be there without consulting Cody (FYI the result would have been the same, it’s just respectful to ask whether he had any expectations for the weekend and compromise from there). When I told Cody that I’d be going to our sweet sophomore’s game and then we’d go to our niece’s game later, Cody just smiled and asked, “How many kids do we have again?”

“How many kids do we have again?”

It was a perfect response to something he could have rolled his eyes at, or begun complaining about (“But it’s a Friday night…”). Instead, he so perfectly summed up why it was important for us to go -of course we’d go show our support on a Friday night because we love the young people in our lives as closely as if they could be our own. It’s what we do.

The half-time show was awesome. The girls’ kick line was really impressive and our sweet sophomore’s smile was enough to warm my heart, even if my fingers were frosting over. When I met Cody at home a little while later, we were able to chit-chat about our work-day and then we left for our niece’s game.

A moment I especially love happened during the basketball game. There was a girl who didn’t look like your “typical” athlete on the opposing team (whatever the hell that even means) – and it was clear to us that she was new to the sport, but it was even clearer that she was super self-conscious. In the defense of her authenticity, you could also tell she tried not to let that tween awkwardness stop her, either. With the game tied at 11, we watched that same young girl score the penultimate point and witnessed the glow-up of the century: the big smile, the high-fives from her teammates, and the fact that, with only 2 minutes remaining in the game, she was leading her team to victory. It was quite a magical moment to see. Cody and I both grinned. With all the goodness behind his voice, he quietly said, “Good for her.” I affirmed, “That girl’s weekend is made.” It was a small moment in our witness, but it was a big one in this human being’s experience. The fact that Cody and I both reacted the same way to this girl’s success tells me all I didn’t realize I needed to feel – that, as future parents, we may not always say the same things, but we’re usually on the same wavelength.

Ultimately, however, in hindsight, what wasn’t said is more important than what was.

Here’s what he never said:
“Why did you bring me here?”
“How long is this going to be?”
“This is painful to watch.”
“She is painful to watch.”
“Poor girl.”

Instead, we focused on the positive. So they’re not that great yet? That’s okay. At least they have a reason to run back and forth. And, sometimes -stupendously- experience such empowering moments that even the sleepy adults in the stands notice. I’m just glad it was my husband who noticed right alongside with me. Pretty cool stuff.

Year 2, Week 14: Prayer and Play

This week was the week of miracles – big and small. And it all stemmed from our decision to first let our knees hit the ground and then permit our feet to leap the concrete.

Two weeks ago, we found out some really sad news that Cody’s beloved Nana received an unfortunate diagnosis of cancer. We heard that the doctor told her it’s very likely the cancer began in the torso and then manifested into a tumor, which was not good to hear. This news suggested that the cancer had spread to areas that would prevent the recovery we’d obviously hope for. Cody was understandably broken up by the news.

So I decided to be recklessly hopeful.

I realized the St. Therese of Lisieux novena would be beginning soon, the memory of a woman who lived by the ideal that one can do ordinary things with extraordinary love. Those she lived with didn’t take her seriously as a young woman in the convent, but Therese did her thing anyway. I guess you can say she was the original enforcer of the “kill them with kindness” rule. When she was diagnosed with tuberculosis, she promised a shower of roses. Let me share why this is significant.

The Society of the Little Flower writes, “Shortly after her death, the rain of roses began. Sometimes roses literally appeared, and sometimes just the fragrance of them. Cures of painful and fatal diseases and many other miraculous experiences were attributed to her intercession. Sometimes people found inner peace and regained an inner warmth of spirit and confidence, by appealing to St. Therese. Many miracles and actions of St. Therese do not involve roses. More often than not, marvelous things happen in people’s lives as they ask for her heavenly intercession. The miracles, healings and inner peace come from the trust one places in God, not from any manifestation of roses…. Roses are Therese’s signature. It is her way of whispering to those who need a sign that she has heard, and God is responding. Thousands of people have given witness to the way Therese responds to their petitions and prayers with grace and roses. The grace is more important than the roses.”

I absolutely agree that the grace is more important than the roses, but the fact that roses were every where during this novena convince me this isn’t a farce. We can argue all day about roses being popular flowers, but each day presented a rose in some form.

The night after I began the novena (around 10pm), I remember looking at my bare rose bush in my backyard and hearing my growing cynical voice whispering, “Well, that’s nice. It’ll blossom by the 9th day of the novena. That’ll be a great coincidence.”

After I had prayed the next morning very specifically for a miraculous Nana healing, I was shocked to open my door into my backyard to see three fully blossomed roses on my rose bush. I knew right away I was being listened to – and my faith grew with the petals. I continued to reach out to my closest soul friends and faithful family and I felt my optimism grow, almost dangerously. If this “miracle” wasn’t going to happen, at least I knew I had thrown myself into it. It’s literally the least I could do, with Nana being so far away and my husband’s long face right next to me.

I kept up the praying on the daily, and each day I saw roses in the most unexpected places. Then, on the last day of the novena, we received wonderful news that Nana’s torso CT is clear! The joy I still feel is more relieving than it is overwhelming. First, for obvious reasons that our prayers did something – they truly made a difference. Second, I desperately needed a reminder that God is real. I know we still have more praying to do, but this experience was enough to help remind me and Cody that God really is listening, regardless of what the majority of the world says. You just have to have a little faith.

That was the big miracle.
Here’s the little one.

Last Thursday, I asked Cody if he wanted to go for a walk with me; the weather is beginning to transition to its all-too-familiar blue-grey hue and I needed to feel like I could still go outside if I felt like it. And I felt like it.

After walking in silence for some time, I turned to Cody and asked if he wanted to run for a little while. He grinned and said he will always choose to run if I want to (despite the super nice dress shoes he had on), so I took off at a light jog. Before long, I realized he wasn’t beside me, or even right behind me, so I turned around to see what the hold-up was. He had disappeared, but I didn’t worry – he’s quite the joker. I half-expected him to be running parallel to me on the other side of the block, so I decided to keep up my jog anyway. I would surprise him.

All of a sudden, I heard jingling keys and pumping arms. I turned back and almost tripped because of the laugh that caught in my throat. He was leaping the concrete paths of people’s front lawns and landing on the cool grass, only to let it propel him farther on. I don’t know why I thought this was the funniest image I had seen in a while; maybe it reminded me of when I would run around my neighborhood and be hundreds of feet in front of my friends, feeling the adrenaline of being free. It didn’t matter that we weren’t really going anywhere – just that we were simply going.

This week, prayer made us a little wiser,
play made us 17 and 21 again,

and I swear it made me love him more.

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Year 2, Week 10: Never make assumptions

It was a fun week of swimming, hanging out with my parents, hosting a large party (that had awesome reviews – yay!), and finding our way onto a beach to read and relax. That’s what we did but it’s not what was really on my mind.

I’ll try to be clear, but it’s going to be vague, so prepare yourselves.

It’s official: it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, you will experience miscommunication.

My mistake was assuming that we had moved passed the capability of being in the midst of a conflict spurred on by one of us not understanding the other. Turns out that, when new experiences arise, new conversations have to be had, and if you and he have never been in a certain scenario before – and you don’t actually hold the other person’s worldview (as much as you’re proud of knowing as much as you know) – there will be miscommunication that grew from an assumption that somebody made.

If this doesn’t make sense, that’s okay. I didn’t really believe it until this last week – and it still boggles my mind. How did I misunderstand his intentions so much?

If it’s annoying you that I’m being so vague, that’s because this is how I felt all week: feeling my way around, following one interpretation until it turned out to be wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Year 2, Week 9: I choose not to grow a marriage gut

Cody bought me running shoes for Christmas last year. I was grateful for the gift – I was pleasantly surprised that he remembered me saying I needed new shoes to be active in, but I was also a bit intimidated – the bright white, light-weight soles were clearly scolding, “You have to be a serious runner to wear me!” I half expected the B logos to sound the alert – “Fraud!” – the moment I slipped the shoes on my feet.

But on a January day when the temperature finally broke freezing, I put on my fleece sweater, windbreaker pants, ankle socks, and brand new shoes. One of my colleagues had told me a few weeks earlier about how she’s been using the C25k app to start running more frequently. I was intrigued, simply because I realized I needed to start using the shoes that Cody bought me weeks beforehand. The way my friend explained it made it almost sound appealing: The c25k app basically assumes you have had zero running experience – I didn’t – and trains you to be able to run 5k in ~10 min. mile – which I thought would be kind of nice. Cody’s always talking about goals and stuff, so here was one. I could wear the shoes and that’d be that.

So, on a cloudy and relatively warm 37 degree day after work (in Chicago, you take what you can get) I chose to start my C25k training. Walking for 90 seconds and running for 60 almost didn’t seem too bad. I tried to ignore the ears stinging with cold, but I didn’t want to give Cody a reason to think his marriage to my wimpy ears or his generous purchase was bought in vain, so I kept going. I wanted to show my husband that I truly appreciated his generous gift. In the mean time, I was literally giving my heart a much-needed loving after some (much) neglect. I appreciated my warm home when I closed the workout tab on my phone.

Cody received my completed workout report (he’s one of my Runkeeper app “friends” via the MyFitnessPal app). His reaction was so simple: “Hey! Look at you!”

I can’t believe how much his simple comment fueled my motivation to keep going. Never underestimate the power of simple affirmation. Behind his four-word message was an entire high school band where trumpets were triumphantly blaring and I was the one who just scored the game-winning touchdown.

The shoes that started it all and the peanut-butter chocolate chip flapjacks that fueled me. — The shoes that started it all and the peanut-butter chocolate chip flapjacks that fueled me the day of the 5k.

Because of his support and because of MY choice to slip on the shoes he bought (even though I didn’t think I’d like running or even had the energy for it), I did run my first 5k.

Since that day, I have run a second 5k with one of my best friends, jogged in the sweltering Arkansas sun (who am I?!), and CHOSEN to wake up before sunrise on a Wednesday morning.

So what am I getting at? I guess my main message is that Cody supports my choices.

She needs shoes? Fine.
I decide to run? Awesome.
A 5k? ..that costs how much? Okay.

She wants to go to Montana for 10 days without me?
Well, duh, she should go. But I’ll miss her. The reunion will be sweet 🙂

An improv class? $450? Omg.
Yeah, okay, go have fun.

Did she really just call her new pairs of shoes “school supply shopping”?
She is on her feet all day as a teacher. I get it.

She is working late again?
What a boss. That’s why God made weekends.
I’m glad she likes what she does.

The choice to be active with my husband is also a very important choice we’ve been making. We’re trying to keep our hearts healthy so we can enjoy more years together.

Not to mention the weird motivation that’s come out of nowhere: “Ania, run one more block. It’s so your baby can have a healthy Momma.” My baby is still just an idea, but she’s already pushing me to be better. Crazy.

Just this past Saturday we decided to walk the mile to the local park, play tennis, and go swim some laps in the pool. No marriage gut for us!

Year 2, Week 8: I didn’t like my marriage this week

I didn’t like my marriage this week.

Now, keep in mind that I didn’t say anything akin to “I didn’t like being married this week” or “I didn’t like who I was married to this week.” No, I’m very clear when I say I didn’t like my marriage this week.

This week, my marriage felt stale. It felt too routine, like a sock that’s too stretched out and consequently abandoned in the back of the drawer. It felt forgotten about, like a bag of family-favorite nachos that someone forgot to seal. I’ve grown used to the feeling of a crunchy nacho when I’m in the presence of my partner, but this week I felt like there was something off. The chip didn’t crack when I bit into it. Dare I say I felt ignored, too? In fact, after Cody presented his idea of moving to Mexico for a couple months, I can’t help but admit that I felt second-best and second-choice – the cheaper cut of the meat. I wasn’t the gleaming learning opportunity just on the horizon or the soft sand beaches of wherever he would be going. No, I was the pouting wife who sort of hoped this whole plan would fall through. Am I a horrible person for thinking this way? Maybe. But I’d rather be honest.

This week made me understand why some couples don’t make it through the second year – and verified my belief that Cody and I will “make it” just fine.

This week, the lusty, I’m so in love with you feelings were not there. There was no honeymoon excitement or even an “I’m so glad I’m married” thought. No, this week, my marriage was dull.

But then we hung out with our niece and nephew on Saturday night and had a genuinely good time with them. We had breakfast with my parents before church on Sunday morning, and then we walked to the zoo with my other brother and his family. During all this quality time, I couldn’t help but notice how affectionate my husband was being and, over the course of the weekend, it was enough to remind me that I am definitely not second-best. This weekend, he held my hand and we talked about something other than monthly budgets, Roth IRAs, morning routine building, meal-planning, and financial independence. While we watched the Brookfield Zoo sea lions with Cody making jokes about the overweight seal sitting motionless as the other Geralds swam around, I realized things weren’t so bad. The super-in-love feelings weren’t gone for good, they just went dormant for a little while so that we could focus on other things. Although Cody may try to find ways to make his life better, I am the best thing. He made sure his quality time with me proved so.

This last week, I didn’t like my marriage, so I told my husband. Quality time and open communication patched that right up. Sometimes you have to talk about what’s bugging you if you ever hope to fix it. To make it better, you have to uncover the bandaid and let the wound breathe a little, even if it stings.

Now I’m here listing the things he does for me that often go unnoticed. When I start thinking I’m second-best, I realize it’s because I’m comparing the way he shows love with the ways somebody else might. So no, my husband doesn’t show love like everybody else.

Instead…

He does the dishes when I’m too tired after work.
He’ll take out the trash because his parents raised him to.
He’ll respond “Yes, ma’am?” when I call his name from across the room.
He’ll hold my hand when we’re fighting.
He opens his arms and clasps them around me when he sees I’ve had a long day.

He won’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, but he lets me have the last piece of Waffle House chicken.
He won’t buy me a card for the holidays, but he’ll buy me plane tickets to Hawaii to visit my best friend.
He won’t buy me a new dress and lay it on the bed, but he will bite his lip when I slip on his plaid long-sleeve.
He won’t announce on Facebook how much he loves me because it’s in the glint of his eye when I do or say something silly in front of his friends. It’s the kind of stuff I used to think made me “weird” or unlikeable. Turns out somebody loves the part of me I thought was undesirable.
He won’t post #wcw on one of my pictures, but he will put his hand on the small of my back and whisper, “You’re so beautiful.”
He won’t take me out to dinner every Friday, but he will light candles after putting a pizza in the oven.

I feel like I could go on, but I won’t. My point is, there are ways to make the chips crisp again. I didn’t like my marriage this last week, but I did choose love every day. And so did he. That’s why we’ll be just fine.

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Year 2, Week 2: “Nah, that was all her.”

When Cody and I were still in the throngs of long-distance dating, I had the chance of visiting his hometown, which is a good 45-minute drive from Hot Springs, Arkansas. Every time I would visit, though, I made sure we would have a chance to walk up and down the streets of quaint little downtown Hot Springs.

One day, Cody decided he wanted to show me a little more of Hot Springs and walked us a whole block over to where some of the trails begin. He wanted to show me where he used to hike as a teenager – but it happened to be a little off-path, and this Chicago girl didn’t really like to climb. But I did it anyway because, you know, he’s a country boy and I was into that – and I wanted him into me, too.

As I was huffing and puffing my way up the “mountain” (after being in the Rockies, it’s tough to call the Hot Springs hills mountains), I remember Cody looking back, grinning, and saying, “Come on, city girl.” I also very clearly remember my response – motivation that came out of no where, a glare of the eyes, and a sudden increase in stride and pace until I pushed passed him. He laughed and laughed – and although I didn’t show it, my heart was laughing, too. We have brought up that day many a time, but it surprisingly did not come out during this last hiking and camping trip through the Rockies this last week.

Instead
I heard things like:

“You’re a champ. Thank you for being here.”

We figured out a little later that if I have my hood up, the wind won't make me feel like I'm able to topple over with dizziness. I also think this picture is a testament to how comfortable we are with each other - if you don't find the forefront as attractive, simply cast your eyes beyond us. — We figured out a little later that if I have my hood up, the wind won’t make me feel like I’m able to topple over with dizziness. I also think this picture is a testament to how comfortable we are with each other – if you don’t find the forefront as attractive, simply cast your eyes beyond us.

“Ania, take it slow. I don’t need you hitting your head on a rock because you’re feeling dizzy.” (At 12,000 ft. high near Granite Pass, on our way to Longs Peak)

“You’re being stubborn. We can stop here and enjoy the view just fine. We don’t have to follow [our two friends who just plowed forward].”

“Here, I’ll hold you until the wind gust passes.”

And one of my favorites that I heard during a chill hike through the forest: “Nah, that was all her.” (This was in response to one of our friends asking if the business idea I was discussing was a result of the lectures Cody purchased a few months ago about starting -and maintaining- a successful business.) I think I like that Cody said it because it shows how much my husband respects my own individual thoughts, ideas, and subsequent actions and gives credit where credit’s due.

We may have simply gotten better at speaking words of affirmation at this point in our relationship, but I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate his appreciation and patience with me. Eight years ago, Cody may have been motivating me to climb a little higher while simultaneously heckling me, but this time I was the one pulling us higher onto the mountain. We work together that way – when one’s tired, the other carries, but motivates the other to get back up soon. I guess that’s what keeps us moving, one foot in front of the other..

The view from the top! I loved seeing Cody's happiness when we were both up here able to enjoy it together. Hard (stubborn) work pays off! — The view from the top! I loved seeing Cody’s happiness when we were both up here able to enjoy it together. Hard (stubborn) work pays off!

Let’s discuss!

Wives – What’s your favorite way of affirming your husband and also being affirmed in return?

Wives in Training (W.I.T.) and Men – Read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. It will totally transform how you perceive both yourself and your current and future partner in terms of how you give and receive love. Comment what your love language is below!