As an English teacher, I feel like I get a bad rap for only being an expert on grammar. “Oh man,” people say. “Now I have to watch my words.” But I see my role as more than a grammar junkie or poetry buff (does such a person exist?). I try to be the English teacher that not only corrects misuse of “further and farther” or “well and good” but also one who inspires the love of language – words, rhetoric, literature, and everything in between. I love sharing both characters who have a backbone and those who learn how to stand up for themselves. Mostly, though, I love that literature allows me to discuss life and human nature within my classroom.
This week, I thought the New Year would be a good time to discuss humans’ search of progress and achievement, especially in context of new year’s resolutions. I decided to go bigger, however, and have my 9th graders imagine the rest of their lives. I assigned my students to create a Bucket List that would include all their dreams – anything they’d like to experience before they “kick the bucket.” I remember being full of dreams when I was a teenager, but I was also fortunate enough to have people in my village who encouraged me to dream big – or at least didn’t squash my ideas when I would bashfully bring them up at the dinner table. What if my students don’t have anyone in their corner telling them it’s okay to look beyond their neighborhood? I should be that person, I tell myself. And so I do not qualify the items on their list – I just listen and learn more about what my students want for themselves. It’s one of my favorite assignments of the year.
One day this week, a student perked her head up in attention and, without waiting for me to call on her, raised her hand, blurting out, “Is ‘getting married’ good enough?” I didn’t even have to ask her what she meant.
It was in her tone, and the way she furrowed her brow yearning for validation. She needed to know that her romantic wish was not less than her peers’ desires to travel the world and go to Coachella. My immediate reaction was to run over to her, hug her and tell her that the squeeze in her heart when she sees enamored couples kissing isn’t stupid.
I wanted to promise her in a rush that, if she just tries to love herself first, that the love she hopes to experience will eventually find her and wrap her up. I didn’t do that, though.
Instead, I grinned and said, “Well, I can’t exactly knock it. I’m married and have been having a good time.” The girls laughed in response, but I pressed, “But in all seriousness, with the right person, I think marriage is one of the most beautiful parts of life.”
If I had the time and space to continue, I would have continued. So here’s my delayed response to that student who wondered if her desire to marry someone was “good enough” to be one of her greatest goals.
Yes, my girl, the desire to be loved is a worthy desire. It is one that many don’t speak of, for fear of being called “weak” or “needy.” I, too, fought this desire – why should I be “bogged down” in a relationship when everyone else around me is going from guy to guy to guy? Shouldn’t I want that? Why don’t I want that?
It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t broken for wanting the consistency and security of one, steady, loving partner.
The real question is, I think, do you think you are “good enough” to be part of a partnership so beautiful that you can be both completely lost in it, and still more sure of yourself than almost anywhere else in life?
Are you ready to be surprised on a daily basis of both how much you know about this one human being – and also how much you have left to learn?
Are you willing to wrestle with ideas of independence and co-dependence and how you’re going to communicate your ‘non-negotiable’s and which issues you’ll be willing to compromise on? When you figure it out, congratulate yourself, but don’t go complacent! Just as you are ever-growing, so too will your standards.
Do you want to spend time on preventative maintenance? It’s much easier to discuss what could potentially go wrong and communicate expectations than it is to apologize profusely for hurting the person you promised you’d always care for. Sound like a big job? It is.
Do you understand the difference between a spat, a bicker, and a fight? In my experience, spats are funny; bickers usually reveal something very important and demand an apology; and fights are flames that could have been calmed in the bicker stage. You have to be attentive to your partner’s life – one antennae always pointed towards someone else – not always expecting him (or her) to revolve around you. True love is sacrificial, but it shouldn’t make you miserable. Your partner should fill up your cup just as you fill his (or hers).
Can you handle the overwhelming grace of your partner’s presence in your life after the Worst Day(s) ever? You know, the fact that you were a real pain in the you-know-what and don’t “deserve” love, but this person is hugging you and loving on you anyway? It’s such a beautiful gift. If our Creator loves us as much as people says He (or She) does, then get ready for pure heaven on earth.
So yes. Wanting to be married is “good enough” – as long as you and your partner to continue pouring ‘enough good’ into each other’s cups.
P.S. Just so you know, sometimes you totally miss the cup. But we can talk about that later.