“Treat another the way you’d like to be treated.”
“Wanna know what to do when you want a friend? Be one.”
“The Golden Rule: ‘Do unto another what you’d like done to you.'”
However you say it, we have each come in contact with the adage: be a good person based on the basic principle of doing what you’d like done to you and saying what you’d like to hear.
But how simple and lovely and apparent was this in my marriage this week.
I wish I could tell you what I said.
Maybe I looked into his eyes a little longer than normal, and saw him. Maybe I couldn’t stop being affectionate and cuddly when I probably had other things I needed to be doing. Maybe I remembered to bring him a glass of water when he didn’t ask for one. I don’t know. Maybe the point is that it could be anything, as long as genuine affection and appreciation is in the gesture.
What happened afterwards is the important part.
While we were lying in bed, waiting for sleep to take us, Cody suddenly turned to me and said, “You made me feel so… warm.. earlier. So loved.
What can I do to give you that feeling?”
You guys. After he asked me that I had two very interesting reactions. First was the stark (aw, Game of Thrones) realization that I don’t think anyone has ever really asked me, “What makes you feel the most loved?” BUT SECONDLY was the very unanticipated “Finally. He finally asked me this question.” BUT I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS MISSING IT. How weird is that.
I loved him well enough that he recognized it and wanted to make sure I was feeling the same ‘high on life’ feeling, too. Wow.
So stick with me here – This is the answer to the guessing game we’re perpetually playing with our partners (and potential partners), isn’t it? We go through our relationships wondering if this will make them happy or if that will satisfy them. We buy flowers and teddy bears and cook meals and choose rings and plan weddings but how often do we actually ask, “What can I do to make you feel loved?”
What a game-changer. I didn’t know how to answer Cody for several minutes because I couldn’t dodge the feeling that this is important. I think I told him that when he’s super thoughtful and anticipates a need, he makes me feel like I’m worthy of being seen and taken care of. This means I should be happy every minute he’s in his Financial Planning mode because it’s literally always with me and our future family in mind, but it still means a ridiculous amount when I come home from work and he says, “I did this for us. Now what movie would you like to watch?” I know there’s so more to the question that I haven’t even begun to sift through. Maybe that’s the point.
Maybe marriage is constantly asking the question, “What can I do to make you feel loved?” and then doing it. To fulfill the expectations of another often seems like a daunting task, but there’s no harm in trying.
Who else is gonna do it, if not his wife?
Update: After Cody read this, he said, “So maybe the question shouldn’t be, ‘Will you marry me?’ but ‘Will you allow me to be the person who tries to make you feel most loved for the rest of your life?'”