I always feel bad for those couples who say, “We’re together like, all the time. We do everything together!”
That’s great, but have you had your first fight?
Then they look at me like I’ve destroyed all the hope of love and romance in the world. But I’m just being realistic.
Because if they spend all their time together and they haven’t had their first fight yet, then are they more, or less, likely to reconcile once conflict inevitably arises?
There are a few principles we follow, fairly subconsciously, but could be explicitly stated here. I’m not professionally trained in conflict resolution, but enough experience has made me feel like I can share the
Ten Commandments of Resolving Conflict
- Fight fair. We don’t say things that aren’t true just to “win” the fight.
- Do not swear – not even for emphasis. It escalates the tension so quickly and it leads down a path of saying what you don’t mean.
- Stay calm. This is so difficult but becomes easier with time, I promise. Deep breaths. Take ten. Inside voices. Use a stress ball if you need one.
- Don’t slam any doors in your partner’s face. It communicates punishment and a literal halt to any continuance of conversation. I am so guilty of this. It honestly only prolongs the time it takes to get to the reconciling stage. Just don’t do it to yourself.
——————Let your pride suffer and stay in the same room, or at least say, “I need some time. I’ll be back.” It sucks so bad, but it helps so much to leave the path of communication wide open. It says, “I don’t like you right now, but I still respect you.”
————— - Hug before it gets too bad. Cody’s infamous for wanting to be affectionate right when I’m about to blow. It’s something like, “C’mere. Hey. Shh.” along with a big hug. I swear it’s still from when he was three and getting into trouble with his Momma. I can just see him waddling over to his Mom’s leg and opening up arms for forgiveness. I suppose it works for me, too.
- When you’re ready to fix the problem, hold hands. It shows that you’re committed to a solution. It reminds us that we’re in this together.
—————-It’s not me against you. It’s us against the problem.
————- - Don’t make things more dramatic than they have to be in order to prove your point. Don’t try to intentionally manipulate, threaten, or scare your partner in order to get your own way. It’s just not worth it.
- Do not offer drastic ultimatums. It suggests a lack of trust in your partner’s will and desire to be with you.
- Don’t ever threaten divorce unless you actually, deep down, really mean it.
- Remember what’s really important. Is the thing we’re fighting about actually important, or is it a little inconvenience that we’re upset about? Will this matter in ten years, a month, or a day? If it’s a huge discrepancy between y’all values, then it’s going to take more time to iron out and reconcile. But if it’s about coming home to see the meat hasn’t been thawed yet? Go grocery shopping together. Order a pizza. These are quick fixes and aren’t grounds for divorce.
These points work for us, but we’re always surprised when yet another conflict seems insurmountable and scares us into believing that we won’t “make it” through this next obstacle. Do you have any other ideas or approaches that work for you and your partner? Please share them below!