This found poem, created by Austin Kleon, was my gift to Cody in honor of our first wedding anniversary. It’s nothing too fancy: a piece of paper housed in a simple black frame. This poem best describes my perception of marriage as a safety from never having to do long distance ever again (if you’re in the same bathroom, you’re not exactly counting down the days until the next time you get see each other!). In fact, one of my favorite things ever about marriage is the sense of security I feel when I realize my best friend won’t leave my side – he promised that much. And the man keeps his promises.
So what is this feeling I get when Cody walks in the house after a long day at work and, with a grin, tells me about his plan to apply for an opportunity that gets his blood flowing in all the right places? He can work for his current company and learn something new somewhere else.
Yes! Go for it, baby! I have no doubt they’ll see your value and accept you right on the spot. You’ve been waiting a while to have this feeling pulling you towards something so strongly. Embrace it.
Where are they located again? I asked. Sorry, I may have missed it when you said it earlier.
…Mexico?
Hm. Well.
I support you, no matter what. You know that.
But isn’t marriage not leaving?
I guess 2 months isn’t that long; military couples are apart for way longer. This could be so good for him!
I’ll be fine; I’ve been finding ways to entertain myself since 1992.
But I thought this long distance thing was done.
But I did get to travel in Spain for a month and then go to Montana on my own, too… He should have the same freedom!
Will we be apart for Thanksgiving? Or his birthday? Or my birthday?
Grr.
Obviously I need to let him go and be 150% supportive,
but it’s hard being supportive.
I thought marriage meant not leaving.
But two individuals following their passions is more important than two individuals squandering their desires simply to be standing in the same bathroom at the same time, flossing miserably.
I suppose he can watch me brush my teeth via Skype. It’s not like we haven’t done it before.
My husband has always loved water; maybe all the ponds, lakes, rivers, and oceans he’s fallen in love with are all reflected in the blue eyes with which he shows his love for me (yeah, yeah, okay, too corny, even for me). In all seriousness though, the sight of water really does calm Cody, massaging his soul more than music, exercise, and even reading.
Sunset at Saugany Lake, Indiana
For me, an equivalent escape has always been found amidst mountains. It’s hard to explain the feeling I get the moment I see a change in topography from my Midwestern plains to a lift in the land. I am filled with anticipation and quiet expectation – what will I learn about myself here? What will be revealed while I’m here? Where do I need to feel small in my life again? What will I finally embrace about myself? To find myself in the mountains is to be reminded that life is a gift to be treasured and used wisely – It is the realization that I am actually very small.
Cody’s escape is water; mine is the mountain air. Er, that’s how it usually was, anyway.
Cody has been to many incredible mountain ranges already, but I felt particularly honored when I was able to watch him fall in love with the mountains like I had a decade before. I will never forget how much joy was radiating from my husband when we had gone as close to Long’s Peak in the Rocky Mountains as we physically could as a group.
Cody pointing out the snow over yonder. Look at that big ol’ smile!
The boy could have done fifty cartwheels and not tire. His pure joy was shining – the boy was a happy human and I was excited to see him so happy.So fast forward to this last weekend when we were at the lake. I had an incredible time, and Cody noticed how much I was enjoying myself
I was a happy girl.
by frequently commenting how much he loves “Summer Ania”, telling me “[I] should keep her around” even when I have to start teaching in a couple weeks again.
I was sad to leave when the sun went down, but my heart was soaring on the car ride back home. Cody could probably feel it because he broke our thoughtful silence:
“You know what’s funny? How you felt today is how I felt when I was in the mountains. And mountains are usually your thing and water is usually mine.”
I thought about his observation and added, “You had your best friends in the mountains and, today, I was with one of my closest friends by the water. Maybe it doesn’t matter so much where you are but rather who you’re with.”
And, honestly, even though we’ve had wonderful opportunities to travel so much this year, the biggest reason they’ve been so extraordinary is because we’re seeing these places together. We’re hiking the same paths, “ooh”ing at the same sights, and reminiscing about the same memories when we’re lounging on our living room floor months after we’ve returned.
Even when we’re home, however, we’re seeking those same memories to make with people who are important to us: friends that have become family and, on the opposite side of the spectrum, those we’ve met that we hope become good friends.
At the end of the day, Cody and I are building our very own village:
even though life is being kind today, who will be by our side when life becomes difficult tomorrow? Who will help us raise our children into good people? Who laughs at the same things we do, and cares about the world in the same capacity? And – most importantly – who will help us be our best selves so that our marriage continues to be a refugewhere we don’t feel the need to escape anymore?
We should be in Puerto Rico right now. But we’re not. And that’s completely okay with us. Let me explain.
One of my very best friends was gearing up to graduate with her Master’s Degree in July AND simultaneously celebrating her acceptance into a Ph.D. program (for which she weathered many obstacles and worked exceptionally hard). I try to support my friends’ decisions as much as I can and am very vocal in celebrating just about any success they experience. This time was no different. I asked Cody how he would feel about taking the celebration to Puerto Rico, giving my friend the round-trip plane tickets as a gift (for the next 5 Christmases and birthdays, too) for her amazing work. He agreed!
So we bought the tickets, gave her the news, and were really excited for the prospect of scuba diving along the shores of PR and finding days that he’d be able to work remotely while still enjoying our time there. That fun stopped to a grinding halt, however, when I read on the news that Zika was in Puerto Rico and great care should be taken while traveling there.
Cody and I want to be parents one day. We believe we can be good parents who raise good people. So to read that Zika – a virus that could severely harm my baby – was alive and well in PR, there was hardly any discussion as to whether we should still fly to our planned destination. I would regret it so much if anything happened as a result of our travels there. We made a decision as parents, already, that we would take every precaution to protect our baby. We canceled the plane tickets and gave my friend (who took the canceled trip with extraordinary grace and understanding that I will always remember, admire, and respect) the reasons for the cancelation.
After beating myself up for a little while for not planning better before I got everyone’s hopes up, I decided to channel that energy into planning a trip to Arkansas instead (I told you in last week’s that it was going to be time to visit soon – life just made it happen a little sooner).
I am so grateful that we rode the wave instead of getting mad at the choppy waters. My friend was a wonderful example of grace, and I truly believe her selfless support of my decision for my future babies has cemented our friendship for posterity. Cody’s quick agreement made it easier on me, too.
We saw the choice in front of us: go to Puerto Rico, or not. We chose that the health of our family is way more important a trip we have been saving up for. We chose to use that time to visit our family in Arkansas, who we were were going to visit anyway, but decided it was smarter to do it sooner (especially since Cody’s grandpa had emergency heart surgery last week! We got to visit him and have a really nice time together.)
Instead of getting mad that life wasn’t going exactly according to plan, we chose to enjoy the ride anyway. In this case, the choice was very clear: Family always always always comes first.
You can’t prepare for the gusts of wind, but you can choose whether you’ll grumble or laugh. You can see which we prefer.
My marriage would simply not be how it is if I hadn’t experienced and observed the fruits of loving marriages around me. I feel as if I could go on and on about which couples have affected me the most but, instead, I’ll choose one that has deeply affected my own psyche and approach to marriage.
Ms. Sherry works at my alma mater, an all-girls high school that guides teenage girls towards the empowerment of themselves through education while becoming compassionate leaders who speak the truth and build diverse community. A natural bi-product of this “become independent” “you don’t need no man” mentality unfortunately collided with my own desires to be in a co-dependent relationship one day. In fact, I seemed to take the warnings of “you’d be just fine if you were alone” to the opposite side of the spectrum that led me to believe that, besides the fear of failure, I was terribly afraid of losing my significant other one day.
I didn’t realize that it was this fear that kept a wall around my heart (ugh, cliches) for most of my relationship with Cody. You may wonder what exactly this means. Here’s an easy example that’s found its way into our marriage despite my “opening up”:
If Cody said ANYTHING that seemed to, in any way, threaten my independence, a fight would ensue (C: “Hey, let’s talk about a budget.” A: “NO. IT’S MY MONEY! My sophomore biology teacher warned us never to rely financially on a man!” C: “But it’s our budget with our money.” A: “No! IT’S MY hard-earned MONEY.” And so it would continue until I realized my ideals do not have to fight with his/our ideas of teamwork.) P.S. Now I know that as long as my own spending is in the budget we created together, he’s actually not preventing me from doing anything. Turns out fear makes us act weird. Go figure.
So I reasoned that, if I didn’t allow him to totally infiltrate my life, then if he were to someday “leave” (that’s what we call dying, because I trust that he wouldn’t just “leave” the relationship), I would still be able to function. I would be fine. My counselor told me so!
I wasn’t sure just how to reconcile the constant fear of dooming thoughts: “What if things are going so well now because he won’t be here tomorrow? Or after the birth of our first child, what if something horrible happens?” The thoughts wouldn’t go away – and it kept Cody a little farther away than I think I realized at the time.
And then, one day, I received the sad news that Ms. Sherry’s husband had “left.” She and her family (who are very close) were understandably devastated and they honored me with the request to play the piano and sing at his funeral. I saw past teachers, friends, and a familiar piano. I played my heart out and fought back the tears. This is my worst fear happening right in front of me, I thought. How in the world is a wife whose best friend just died, able to move on?
I was surprised by the immediate reaction to my own thoughts: “Of course she will move on just fine. She’s Ms. Sherry. She is kind, loving, and warm to everyone she meets. She will miss him – A LOT – but he did not make her her. She was already wonderful. He just helped bring that wonder out in her. She’ll just keep loving. It will hurt, but she will be okay.”
My confidence in Ms. Sherry’s character was enough to help convince me that allowing my future husband completely into my life is not just a choice – it is a necessity. How else can we be a complete team if I keep preparing for the day when he can’t show up to a game? To be a real team, we have to truly be together,from day one.
A few months later, as our wedding date was quickly approaching I made the necessary choice to try and knock down all the “I need to be as independent as possible just in case he leaves” walls that had been built. It was incredible how many there were (and how many we’re still trying to break down). Years and years of “Don’t let them get too close. You’re a strong woman, you don’t need anybody!” were piled up on each other.
It was scary, it left me vulnerable,but it opened me up to pure magic that I simply would not have had access to if I hadn’t scooped Cody up, dropped him where even I don’t want to go, and said, “HERE. All of it. Take it. I trust you. You’ll only make me better.” Then I paused and said, “And when you do ‘leave’ one day…”
“…You’ll be okay,” Cody responded with a smile.
Because she has deeply affected my own life, I asked Ms. Sherry to find a picture from her second year of marriage and write her own reflection. I’m so honored to share it here:
“Our 2nd year continued our love affair that lasted our entire marriage. Best friends, sweethearts, soul mates until the very end. The arrival of our first son 20 months after being married brought us closer than I thought possible. When/if you have been blessed to find the person of your dreams, hold on to them with every ounce of your heart and soul, even through the trying times. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 80/80. You both have to give a little more.”
We were about a year into our relationship, and I knew Cody would be flying in for our once-every-three-months visit while I was still at work (playing the piano at church). I asked him if he wouldn’t mind taking the bus from the airport to the church so that I could give him a big hug the moment Mass was over instead of him waiting at the airport and waiting for me to come get him. I also secretly wanted him to be part of something that made me happy; he had never heard me perform in “that” capacity before (leading ~100 people in song) so I was really excited and nervous to have him kind of just walk inwhile I was doing something I loved.
I wanted two things from his presence: to get a glimpse at why this was an important part of my life and to share the experience with him.
In equation form, this looked like:
Doing something that made me happy
+
sharing what made me happy with someone who made me happy
=
happy happy joy joy
Let’s fast-forward about six years from that day to February 2016.
If you want the long version, keep reading! (if you want the short version, just find the bolded phrase below): My colleague encouraged me to think about participating in an improv class during the summer. He outlined the differences between short-form improv, long-form improv, stand-up comedy, and the price tag differences on the various theaters around the city (ComedySportz, Second City, Improv Olympics, etc.) In the end, I chose ComedySportz, since they pride themselves on performing shows that are for the whole family – and they specialize in short-form improv (short, spit-fire games run competition-style between two three-person teams that keep the show moving along really nicely). Unfortunately, however, even the least expensive camp was pretty expensive.
Cody and I (try to) run on a tight budget so that we experience more cool things instead of buying more things.I wasn’t sure if my financial partner would be cool with me spending the equivalent of one month’s food budget for an improv comedy class that lasted only one week.
So here’s the SHORT form of the story (Haha, get it? No? You shouldn’t have been lazy then.)
I was encouraged to take an improv class this summer. It sounded like fun.
I told Cody I’d like to take an improv class. I don’t think he took me seriously.
I looked up the ComedySportz summer class information. I told Cody about it. I think he started to take me seriously now.
“Hey Cody, you know how you took an online course that cost a few hundred dollars? Well, this improv class is something like it.” I think I saw his hand reach in protective instinct for his wallet.
I went on a school-sponsored trip to Browning, Montana the same day early-bird registration ended. I didn’t have a chance before we left to discuss how my choice to attend this class would affect our financial goals and I couldn’t reach Cody while in Montana, so I neglected to register for the class. I was going to miss the deadline and I slowly allowed myself to realize that this class might not work out after all. All these realizations made me sad.
A couple days later, a text message from Cody appeared (Whoa! Service in Browning, MT? Yay!): “Alright! You’re all signed up for the improv class!”
Ridiculous smiling and slight shock ensued. This wasn’t part of the plan, but he did it anyway. He’s a good husband.
Class was attended! I became a little funnier. I believe I’ll be an even better English teacher now that I know games that disguise learning.
Teacher of class tells me there’s a show I get to be in?! Amazing! Show time is set for 5pm on Saturday.
How are all the people I know allbusy on the day I most want them there? Whattabummer.
Cody’s capture of the show’s beginning. Here’s me pointing at all the people who weren’t able to make it but were cheering me on from a distance <3.
Hey! My brother and sister-in-law came! My old roommate and his brother came! And, duh, Cody is here.
Cody always shows up. He has shown his support for things that make me happy for as long as I can remember. How is this just hitting me now?
So – for a final review:
If it’s important to you and hemakes you happy.. then the one who shows up should be the one you marry.
Little did I realize that, when I successfully resolved one long-distance relationship by helping Cody move to Chicago from Philadelphia, I was actually adding an entire community of long-distance relationships to my life.
Since Cody’s family lives in Arkansas, we’re essentially in a long distance relationship with my in-laws and, although some women are muttering “Be thankful for the distance!” I can’t even say I’m grateful for that. I adore my in-laws and see them as an integral part of my own family. It really stinks that we can’t just come over on a Sunday afternoon, have some delicious food, play some board games with our grandparents, swim in their big, beautiful pool, and drive back refreshed, re-energized, and ready for the new week ahead. Instead, I’m perpetually on the look-out for at-least five day weekends so that if we decide to make the ~14 hour drive, we can at least spend a solid three days there.
“I’d start walking your way/ You’d start walking mine/ We’d meet in the middle…/ We’d gain a lot of ground/ ‘Cause we’d both give a little/ There ain’t no road too long/ When we meet in the middle” – “Meet in the Middle” by Diamond Rio
I’m embarrassed to admit how long it took me to realize that there is an alternative. I remember when I was wedding planning one day and realized that we did not need to plan for “only-Arkansas” trips anymore… we could meet in the middle! I immediately called Cody’s mom and asked her what she thought of meeting half-way between our cities of residence. It would mean six hour drives, but six hours is preferable to fourteen – right? Thankfully, she agreed, and we had our first “Meet in the Middle” trip in St. Louis a few months ago. We had our second trip this last weekend, in Cape Girardeau!
This was the song Cody and I would listen to while we were long-distance, dreaming about the day we’d be able to enjoy the fact that we’re close enough to easily walk to each other.
It was wonderful to spend time with the set of parents we don’t get to see as often, and I have to admit that even when we left on Sunday after a full day and half together (you take what you can get when you’re long-distance, no matter what), I still felt pretty sad. Even though we’ve tried out this half-way way of doing things, we’re still not able to have the experiences spent with Cody’s more extended family, especially his grandparents. We really miss them!
So as much as we love the shorter commute time, I think it’s time to just “bite the bullet” as they say and take the longer drive to see our Nana, Pa, PawPaw and MawMaw.
Like Tim McGraw says in his song Humble and Kind, “Visit grandpa every chance that you get – it won’t be wasted time.”
When Cody and I were still in the throngs of long-distance dating, I had the chance of visiting his hometown, which is a good 45-minute drive from Hot Springs, Arkansas. Every time I would visit, though, I made sure we would have a chance to walk up and down the streets of quaint little downtown Hot Springs.
One day, Cody decided he wanted to show me a little more of Hot Springs and walked us a whole block over to where some of the trails begin. He wanted to show me where he used to hike as a teenager – but it happened to be a little off-path, and this Chicago girl didn’t really like to climb. But I did it anyway because, you know, he’s a country boy and I was into that – and I wanted him into me, too.
As I was huffing and puffing my way up the “mountain” (after being in the Rockies, it’s tough to call the Hot Springs hills mountains), I remember Cody looking back, grinning, and saying, “Come on, city girl.” I also very clearly remember my response – motivation that came out of no where, a glare of the eyes, and a sudden increase in stride and pace until I pushed passed him. He laughed and laughed – and although I didn’t show it, my heart was laughing, too. We have brought up that day many a time, but it surprisingly did not come out during this last hiking and camping trip through the Rockies this last week.
Instead
I heard things like:
“You’re a champ. Thank you for being here.”
We figured out a little later that if I have my hood up, the wind won’t make me feel like I’m able to topple over with dizziness. I also think this picture is a testament to how comfortable we are with each other – if you don’t find the forefront as attractive, simply cast your eyes beyond us.
“Ania, take it slow. I don’t need you hitting your head on a rock because you’re feeling dizzy.” (At 12,000 ft. high near Granite Pass, on our way to Longs Peak)
“You’re being stubborn. We can stop here and enjoy the view just fine. We don’t have to follow [our two friends who just plowed forward].”
“Here, I’ll hold you until the wind gust passes.”
And one of my favorites that I heard during a chill hike through the forest: “Nah, that was all her.” (This was in response to one of our friends asking if the business idea I was discussing was a result of the lecturesCody purchased a few months ago about starting -and maintaining- a successful business.) I think I like that Cody said it because it shows how much my husband respects my own individual thoughts, ideas, and subsequent actions and gives credit where credit’s due.
We may have simply gotten better at speaking words of affirmation at this point in our relationship, but I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate his appreciation and patience with me. Eight years ago, Cody may have been motivating me to climb a little higher while simultaneously heckling me, but this time I was the one pulling us higher onto the mountain. We work together that way – when one’s tired, the other carries, but motivates the other to get back up soon. I guess that’s what keeps us moving, one foot in front of the other..
The view from the top! I loved seeing Cody’s happiness when we were both up here able to enjoy it together. Hard (stubborn) work pays off!
Let’s discuss!
Wives – What’s your favorite way of affirming your husband and also being affirmed in return?
Wives in Training (W.I.T.) and Men – Read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. It will totally transform how you perceive both yourself and your current and future partner in terms of how you give and receive love. Comment what your love language is below!
When Cody brought up the possibility of us joining our two best friends in Denver for a 5-day back country camping trip, I was admittedly hesitant. I’ve never been camping before, so this was going to be a completely different experience for me. You can probably understand, then, that I was quite surprised with myself when I responded with enthusiasm: “Of course I’d love to go!” And I was even more shocked with my sudden sense of adventure when I realized that I wasn’t lying. It was an easy decision when I could see the hope and excitement in his eyes at the prospect of me saying “yes.”
And it makes me wonder if that is not only a part but a large part of the beauty of marriage: sacrificial love to make the other happy. I’m beginning to believe that saying “yes” when you don’t know whether you’ll like something, simply because you know it’ll make your partner happy, is one of the keys to a happy marriage. I had faith that, even if I was signing up for an experience I wouldn’t completely love, I knew I’d embrace it because Cody was happier as a result of my choice. That made the entire choice worth it.
Sittin’ on our off-trail boulder
Getting off trail for a little while and finding this random boulder to climb and have lunch on was something I wouldn’t have had a chance to do if I had stayed home and told Cody to have his own “trip with the boys.”
Because I accepted Cody’s invitation to camp with some of his best friends, I got to be “one of the guys” while also being his wife, enjoying all the same experiences right alongside him – something he really hoped I’d agree to. And I had a great time! We built memories to last the test of time – and calf muscles. We also built those.
Let’s Discuss!
Wives – What have you tried recently just because your husband asked you to? How did it turn out?
W.I.T. (Wives in Training) – Do you think that, by agreeing to this experience, I was being submissive in any way? I mean, it wasn’t really my idea to go…
Friendly reminder: Any unfriendly comments will not be tolerated.
