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Year 2, Week 37: What if he cheats?

Cody and I were traveling to work this Monday morning and customarily asked each other what the upcoming week’s responsibilities looked like: what evenings were going to be dedicated to other obligations, and which hours would we spend together. It’s a nice way to set expectations so that we aren’t sad when Life “gets in the way.” We use Google calendar as our family planning tool. It’s wonderful.

As I was scrolling through traffic, Cody was swiping through our calendar(s) and said he’d be traveling to a meeting on Tuesday night and wouldn’t be home ’til late. I very casually affirmed, “No big deal. I have piano lessons until the early evening, and then I’ll just edit my book.”

And what happened next surprised me big time. There was no reason for the fear that gripped me, or the anxiety that ran through my body – but out of NO WHERE the thought “What if he’s cheating on me?” entered my mind.

You know the narrative – the husband “works late” but is really with The Other Woman and his wife is waiting for him at home, a warm meal prepared that’s going to get cold real quick, just like their relationship did a while back.

I need to reiterate that there was NO reason for this fear to exist. He hadn’t suggested anything, we hadn’t watched any shows or movies that showed infidelity… It was the same kind of surprise I encountered when my beautifully growing tulips were covered by snow yesterday.

It’s funny how quickly you can grow something – a true blue relationship -, just to have it destroyed in a few hours time.

When things go, or feel wrong, I’ve been trying lately to accept my feelings and “honor” them (whatever that really means) and then let them go. It’s kind of like I just let the snow keep covering the spring flowers. I imagine the worst case scenarios since I forget that there could ever be good again.

What if he cheats on me?
What if he is cheating on me? He is on that computer an awful lot, and we did meet online.
What if I’m so blind one day that I miss all the red flags and warning signs and become the woman at home who just cooked a great meal and her husband won’t be home til late?
How vast would this heart break be.

I realized that the last thought wasn’t a question.

It wasn’t until later that evening that I shared these fears with Cody. He just hugged me from behind and said, “From someone who’s been cheated on and mistreated, you don’t have to worry.” (He even sang the song a little :).

It did make me feel better. The Google calendar and open communication throughout the day doesn’t hurt, either; it helps me feel validated, secure, and thought of. It’s insane how much that fear of losing him to infidelity drove my desire to love and appreciate him even more.

Sometimes the snow -the doubt, the fear, the insecurity- has to cover the flowers -the relationship and your perceptions of it- to inspire greater appreciation and trust. Constant fear should be examined, certainly, but in my case, this circumstance does not warrant greater reflection.

So no, I’m not actually worried that Cody will cheat on me, but boy did the fear of it make me appreciate that I don’t have to worry at all.

Update: Turns out the snow didn’t destroy the flowers. In fact, it looks like the the melted water helped make them taller. Maybe, every once in a while, we need to imagine something we love will disappear one day, in order to nurture what we already have.

Year 2, Week 36: Preparing for Marriage with Wife Reflections – A Testimonial

I’m surprised this hasn’t come up earlier:

I went to an all-girls high school.
At this school, we were asked to reflect on just about everything.
There was a perpetual joke that we reflect on our reflections.
So it’s not a surprise I have written reflections on my marriage since its inception.

At this “the un-reflected life is not worth living” educational institution, I met a few of the most inspiring women of my life. When I heard from one of those friends that Wife Reflections has been instrumental in helping her prepare for her own marriage, I was rightfully humbled. Me? But I barely know enough myself. That’s why I’m reflecting on it, right?

After I groaned, “I don’t know what to write about this week!” (This usually indicates that there’s plenty to share but I’m hesitant about sharing it with the masses right now.), Abby offered to write a little something. I gave Abby a true Peace-inspired reflection activity: You suggested that Wife Reflections is kind of like “soul food” for you and your future marriage. Please reflect on this.

This is what I am honored to share. Maybe you, dear reader, can relate. Here’s Abby!

“Change, we don’t like it, we fear it.
But we can’t stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
It hurts to grow, anyone who tells you it doesn’t is lying.
But sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, oh sometimes change is good.
Sometimes change is EVERYTHING.”

I feel that amongst even the most self-professed of thrill-seekers and daredevils, there is always a moment (or two) of fear. That fear is what gets your adrenaline pumping after all—the magical hormone that gives you that high that makes the experience so jubilant, memorable and enjoyable. To be the kind of person that grows from that fear, who embraces it knowing that the end result will provide a kind of joy they wouldn’t otherwise know – that is why we make such jumps.

And this is the kind of fleeting but constant, minimal but pervasive fear I’ve felt since exclaiming, “Of course I will!” to my fiancé as he knelt before me 9 months ago. About three and a half months away from our big day, I’m continuing to learn about myself, about him, about our relationship, and about this fear. And amazingly but unsurprisingly, Wife Reflections has been an integral part of our many conversations.

See, I am, as Ania would describe, a fearlessly ambitious person. I run into things head on, plowing ahead to get through to my goal. Much of that is motivation and dedication, but some of it too is that, through keeping busy, I don’t have to give much thought to feelings of uneasiness or fear. A requirement of focus and time to the details of achieving my goal leaves me little time to think about the forthcoming change or fear of the unknown. Fortunately, this system has worked to my advantage quite a bit; but when it came to the idea of my marriage -the lifelong relationship I was building- this was obviously not an option.

Having been separated from formal religion from some time, living 1,000 miles away from most family and friends and being smack in the middle of a rigorous master’s program in nursing, I have reached out for emotional and life support wherever and whenever I can. I have often sought advice from my wonderful mom, from many friends, from literature, news, and other corners of the Internet. When Ania first started this blog after her wedding almost TWO years ago, I was thrilled to be able to share in some moments of her newlywed life. I’ve known Ania and Cody for many years now, and it was such an exciting time in their life.

In typical cliché fashion, I couldn’t have imagined how the reflections and hard work of my soul sister would guide me through these times.

Despite the constant onslaught of how an engagement should go, what makes a successful marriage, and who needs to be invited to the wedding, this blog has always shown the whole picture to me:

The daily ups and downs
the serious and conscious effort that is love and marriage
the exciting and boring times
how each moment can be important and impactful.

Also, as karma and luck would have it, often times when a significant or difficult conversation or argument has arisen between my fiancé and I, that week’s Wife Reflection has amazingly answered a question I didn’t know I’d asked, or provided the reassurance that a particular personality kink didn’t mean my relationship would soon be doomed.

Wife Reflections has prompted conversations between my partner and I, filling in the gaps when we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to say it. Other weeks, it provides food-for-thought—ideas about marriage that I hadn’t previously considered.

Through it all, when I have been tempted to charge ahead and through the minutiae of wedding planning, the reflections have been a reminder that

the wedding is a fun party, but the marriage is the most exciting part
having a partner is comforting and familiar, but should also be challenging and non-complacent
unlike the romanticized shows and movies, being in love is a choice, each and every day, to dedicate yourself to another person. To fight for what you want in your relationship.

So maybe you’re wondering what any or all of this has to do with fear? For me, fear of the unknown of married life had the potential to cripple me – to make me run far away, thinking that knowing what to expect would be more comfortable than heading toward that unknown.

But acknowledging this fear, accepting the fear, sitting in the fear, and allowing the conversation, fueled by the insights of my wonderful friend who has walked before me into marriage, I am moving away from the paralyzing side of fear to the adrenaline side to feel that excitement, and to let that bit of fear be the provider of hopes and dreams… to be motivated by the fear, to fight like hell through the hard stuff to reap the high of love.

Abby looking beautiful at the bridal shower celebrated in her honor!

Year 2, Week 35: Life is short; Prioritize

Here’s a relatively unorganized list of our priorities.

Spend quality time with each other. Even though our schedules don’t really align at all, we make time for each other in the beginnings and ends of every single day.
HUGS. Morning hugs, afternoon hugs, before-bed hugs; it doesn’t matter.
Make time for play time. The daily grind is not sustainable, and it ultimately makes us unhappy, so we have to make time to just have some fun. This means weekends should be generally free of self-inflicted, scheduled, sadness.
Live intentionally; don’t live “other people’s lives” just because it’s popular.
Set time aside frequently for friends and family. Bring people together, especially people who don’t know each other already. We try to make community building our “thing.”
Keep a healthy balance of spontaneous and planned living.
Travel! Where to, how long, how we’ll do it, and why.
Make a ridiculous deal out of when the other comes home (i.e. “shaking our tails”). It’s almost stupid how simple, and yet how effective, it is.
Lots of giggling. Tell awful puns.
Read together in bed.
Don’t be afraid to have hard conversations, especially when we’re not sure how we’ll come to an agreement.
Don’t take each other for granted; life is just too short.
Eat clean, exercise, and live a relatively healthy lifestyle.
Don’t binge-watch shows; we delay-gratify the crap out of Netflix.
Make time away from each other! Absence makes the heart grow fonder and sweetens the reunion that much more; recently, it’s been Montana for me and camping trips for Cody (although I did crash the last one.. sorry I’m not sorry).
“Bed Time is the Best Time!”
Show our love through action (e.g. Cody picks up my messes, and I plug in his phone whenever he forgets).
Take concrete actions towards the achievements of our dreams.
Ask the other hard questions. Wait lovingly for the answer.
Pray at the dinner table. Pray again in bed, if it’s been a tough day.

Year 2, Week 34: ‘Rough Draft’ Talk

I keep forgetting it’s not just me anymore.
But then it is me – my likes, dislikes, and character.
But it’s not just about me anymore.
But how do we talk about stuff when his likes, dislikes, and character, sometimes seems to clash with mine?

This long weekend was tiring. We didn’t do anything crazy. We read a lot, laughed a lot, and walked around beautiful 60-degree sunshiney Chicago a lot, but we also talked a lot.

Or, at least, he talked a lot. And I thought a lot about how I’d respond.
This is a frustrating reflection to write because there isn’t an answer at the end. I just think you should know what the real difficulty is here.

Cody loves “rough draft” talk. “Rough draft” talk is the idea that, without any real aim (or with just a tentative end in mind), the speaker can feel free to just speak. It’s through speaking that she can create, or stumble upon, more ideas than if she had remained silent. I claim to love it, and I encourage my students to do it all the time (“Don’t be afraid! Talk it out! This is how we learn!”), but when it comes to actually practicing it, I freeze like an opossum who never saw the other guy coming.

Example:

Cody and I decided to go out on Friday night (Yay!) to enjoy the spring-weather in mid-February. We were waiting in traffic when a group of teenage girls passed by us and Cody commented, “Jeez. Herd mentality. Our kid will never…”

And that’s all I had to here for every single one of my porcupine needles to spring out of my usually-soft exterior. I’m pretty sure one even flew out of the open window, judging by the echoing shriek from the girls running around outside. I tried to coax them back in, lovingly reminding them that Cody isn’t the enemy and I should just listen and learn from his perspective.

So I asked him what he meant. And I didn’t like what he had to say.
Because I was already on the defensive.

I’m not here to air out our dirty laundry. I’m not even hear to complain that we had a spat – that’s normal stuff. I’m here to describe what happens when I close up, or “needle-out.”

When I feel offended, I stop talking. It’s a hearkening back to “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” There is no rough-draft talk. This makes Cody feel like (hold on, let me ask him).. “I generally assume that I have done something wrong and I can’t fix it because I don’t know what it is. Or, I feel like you’re holding back thoughts that could help us improve our relationship because you’re afraid of causing issues today. I, however, would rather work through any issues today so we can have a happier, more successful tomorrow.” Yes, he really said that. What an English teacher’s dream, amiright?

So I clamp up. In my mind, yes, I am holding something back because I feel like I’m not thinking the way I should be thinking. I look up to Cody so much that sometimes I feel like I’d rather just go along with his way of thinking because he’s older than I am, which means he has spent more time reading than I have and has, at the end of the day, lived more life than I have. I have spent most of my life looking up to my three older brothers, so I have tons of practice putting my thoughts aside to just listen to someone else’s opinions.

But Cody’s not interested in that submission crap. And that means I have to “rough draft” talk when I least want to. I want to speak eloquently always, making perfect sense in every sentence. I don’t want him to snap onto a few words that I may not have even meant, which could cause an even greater misunderstanding. It’s not that I don’t want to work on our relationship, it’s just that uncomfortable conversations really suck, especially when your significant other really wants to know what you think.

So I guess this is just a reflection showing what I know I still have to work on. Cody and I can flirt, joke around, and have surface conversations with the best of them. But what makes our marriage truly ours is how much hard labor we’re willing to pour into the foundation.

And if you want a sturdy foundation, you have to be willing to get dirt under your fingernails, some porcupine needles in your butt, and a lot of rough draft talk to get a perfect blueprint.

Proof from our Friday night that sums up our discomfort. But at least we were full on Mexican and chocolate. ..Maybe that was the problem.

Year 2, Week 33: “Go Save Your Marriage”

I give Cody permission to write this week’s reflection. In the spirit of our latest Netflix binge, “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”, look away, look away, because Cody is going to be honest with my shortcomings. I promise it ends on a sweet note, because, even though we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, this week’s reflection is proof that we’re romantic even on days that aren’t endorsed by Hallmark. Here’s Cody.

At the beginning of 2017, we decided to make one of our goals for the year to have a pre-planned monthly “traditional” date night—a movie, dinner, ice skating, that sort of thing.

One of our biggest issues as a couple is that Ania likes to go out a lot more frequently than I do, whether it’s dinner out or fancy cocktails with friends. I, on the other hand, prefer having people over to our house where we can skip the long lines, cook dinner together, make our own fancy cocktails for 1/10 the price, talk without being drowned out by other people or obnoxiously loud music, and play an occasional board game. (I’m not biased at all. 😉 ) Add in the fact that we’ve set some very ambitious financial goals together, and dining out falls to the bottom of my priority list.

While this difference in priorities alone can be a source of contention, we learned a valuable “couple insight” for ourselves in 2016. We would go out with friends on Wednesday and Ania would be complaining on Friday that we never go out anywhere. But when we have a night out planned and on the calendar in advance, the act of looking forward to the evening makes her appreciate the experience more.

This brings us back to our goal of a monthly “traditional” date. With all of this in mind, we made sure to prioritize a pre-planned date night in our 2017 goals. (More on our “couple goals” process later.)

While we’ll still go out with friends spontaneously when the occasion arises, having a set night out for ourselves alleviates some of this anxiety and reinforces the experience. Similarly, we’re trying pre-planned group “dates” each month with a core group of friends as well. But that’s another subject.

So we scheduled a recurring night on the calendar for the 2nd Thursday of every month. This makes sure we don’t miss a month and gives us something to look forward to each month.

Unfortunately, there was a bit of a snag with this month’s plans. On the Wednesday before our date night, my office had to be evacuated. Long story short, we had some equipment fail. We ordered replacements to be shipped overnight. They arrived Thursday afternoon and my boss asked everyone to stay late to help install the new stuff.

I didn’t know how long it would take, so I stayed a little late to help get started. But as I realized we weren’t wrapping up, I had to excuse myself to my boss:

“I don’t want to be a quitter, but Ania and I have plans.
It’s date night.”

I’m fortunate to have a boss who understands. But behind this understanding is a plethora of conversations my boss and I have had together about priorities, starting before I was even hired. (Working in finance often means 12-14 hour days and I wanted to be clear from the start that a work-life balance is important to me.)

So when I asked to bail a little early, he just smiled and said,

“Go save your marriage.”

I know Ania is happier today because we chose to honor our date night this week. And that makes me a happy boy.

Year 2, Week 32: “WOW!”

Cody and I were at my parents’ house sometime before we got marriage, eating the breakfast my mom made for us, and she was still adding more items to the smorgasbord. As she stirred veggies in a pan for omelettes and folded deli meats and cheeses, my dad was getting dressed in their adjacent bedroom and telling her a story in between grunts and pauses (the man’s pants seem to shrink of their own accord, he claims). I couldn’t help but notice that my mom was not only kind of listening to Dad, but also preparing breakfast and also unsuccessfully eavesdropping on my own quiet Sunday-morning conversations with Cody over the funny pages. When Dad’s story seemed to come to a conclusion, like the movement of a song finding its resting beat, my mom gave an over-zealous “Woow..”

Cody and I started laughing immediately. We still don’t know if it was the effort she was trying to put in, signaling to Dad that she actually was listening and trying to engage with his story, or the fact that the response was so ingenuous it was laughable. Whatever it was, Mom knew she was caught and let herself be caught in giggles. We didn’t know it at the time, but these “Woow” conversations are quite normal in marriage. For my dad, they’ve been happening for 40 years. For me and Cody, we’re trying to figure out which topics we can get away with responding “Whoaa” to, and which ones we need to be serious for (as-it should go without saying- a serious topic needs a serious listening ear).

Rather than bore you with which conversation topics those “Whoaa” responses are common for us as a couple (I suppose if you really want to know, you can just ask – I honestly don’t know if you’d be interested or not), I thought this Big Bang Theory clip was spot-on. Enjoy!

Year 2, Week 31: Uncomfortable Conversations

There are so many quotes online about love and relationships, and they usually sound nice and uplifting, but I keep scrolling and move on with my day. I finally stumbled upon one, though, that I thought was right-on and thought it was important to share:

I am willing to claim that uncomfortable conversations are at the heart of every growing relationship. When each person is in the same place in life, conversations are easy; in truth, they’re probably so easy because they’re not quite deeper than discussing one’s likes, dislikes, and past formative events. It gets more challenging when factors beyond one’s control begin entering the equation – a new job, or an opportunity that is located in another city, or a new personality that’s entered the mix that threatens to destroy the dynamic you had grown accustomed to. Regardless of the circumstance, a relationship will always feel like there’s resistance – like there is something “in the way” of it becoming just perfect, or whole, or magical.

It is never whole, perfect, or magical.

It is only your perspective that can make it appear so. Therein lies the magic.

The secret? Remain committed to your person despite the hardest conversation. And, if you don’t have a “your person” yet, stay on the look-out for the type of person you wouldn’t mind having difficult conversations with. The only way to know if that person will be “yours” is if you can have a disagreement, talk it out, and feel like you love him/her more than before.

If it seems simple, that’s because it is. It’s really only the commitment that needs to be tried. Like a wise student told me the other day: “The quality of a relationship depends only on the effort put in.”

Potential difficult conversation topics no one told you to expect during marriage (these could be from experience, or not):
– Who actually pays for the wedding
– What if your vision of your wedding day looks totally different from your future husband’s?
– So we have a joint budget now? No? Yes? Does that mean I can still spend my money how I want? No?
– Wait, so we’re not having a dinner date night every weekend? But I heard it’s important!
– Do we celebrate Valentine’s Day?
– How would you like your birthday celebrated? No, really.
– Why are you actually a slob?
– Family. All the topics and sub-topics and even more you never saw coming.
– When do you want a baby?**
– Do you believe in God?
– Do you believe in unconditional love?
– How much time do we actually want to spend together after work? Do you need more wind-down alone time than I do?
– Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
– What’s your dream? Do our dreams match? Again, the scary part here is that dreams, just like non-negotiables, can change.
– How many times a week do we want home-cooked meals? Who’s going to cook them?
– Wait, what kind of school do you want our kids to go to?
– I’ll add more over time, I’m sure.

**It’s important to note here that before you accept (or propose) a marriage commitment, there are some fundamentals that definitely need to be discussed (not agreed upon, necessarily, but definitely come to a mutual understanding and respect for one another’s views), like whether or not you want kids, how important family really is to you, religious values, etc.

My point is – every couple will have different unforeseen challenges ahead. The goal is to find the person who will want to hear your ideas, feel safe enough to contribute his own, and ultimately see you at the end of the equation, regardless of the method you take to get there.

Year 2, Week 30: I’m not leaving you!

Last night, right before I was going to leave the house for the evening, I slipped my rings off my finger and placed them on top of our chest of drawers. I called to Cody reassuringly, “I’m not leaving you!”

He believed me. At this point, it’s become a kind of joke. I keep my rings safe from the volleyball pick-up games I play every Wednesday night or, sometimes, I slip my rings off because my skin begins to crack from the dry winter weather.

It seems like a simple thing, I know, but there’s a world of meaning in that interaction. Let me explain.

What if we had had a bad day -fighting and arguing and assuming the worst in each other- and I had just left my rings there and huffed off to volleyball? If I never reassured him of my vow, the removal of my rings would signal something that could be misconstrued as “I’m threatening you. I’m punishing you for making me feel this way. I hope you feel afraid to lose me.”

From what I hear, people choose this route quite often. I have yet to hear whether this is an effective strategy or not. As for me and Cody, we decided long ago not to play those games. They’re not constructive for our relationship.

In fact, I’ve noticed that, when I really needed to take my rings off one night (because my hands needed some quality lotion time) – after we really had argued – he didn’t jump to conclusions. I’m not sure he even noticed. If he had, though, he’d understand that I wasn’t sending him subliminal messages that I wanted to exit the relationship. Instead, I hope he would have the opposite reaction: even though I’m upset, I promise I’m still be here for you.. I just don’t feel like cuddling right now.

The way I see it, the rings – though left behind – remind him where my heart belongs. I can be a boss at volleyball in the meantime.

Year 2, Week 29: What a Bizarre Week.

Guys. Self-examination is exhausting. Necessary, but exhausting. I envy those people who are able to act without considering the consequences (and now, because I swear my thoughtfulness is my fatal flaw, I need to make it clear that I’m not referring to anyone in particular here; just people, out there somewhere. The U.S. has been really great at this lately, so you know what I mean).

I’ve been really hard on myself this week. I have been second-guessing every choice, every word, every action that may be misconstrued, misunderstood, or mistaken as something offensive or damaging. Instead of sharing my ideas clearly and thoughtfully, I hesitated this week, wondering whether my words will actually help clear the air, or make them even worse. To be totally honest, because I’ve never had this problem before, it’s been really awful.

My character dictates that I focus on being so kind as a sort of preventative maintenance to any altercation. It’s why I’m so bad at confrontations. I avoid them at all costs, like Janie Crawford in the beginning of Their Eyes Were Watching God. But to consider every implication of my actions? I can’t do it. Who, pray tell, can?

At the end of 3rd grade, we received personal certificates specially decided by our teacher. While others’ certificates read “Good Reader” or “Great Speller,” my certificate was awarded to me for “Remembering that No One is Perfect.”

Thanks, Ms. Slater. <3

Regardless, I have wondered why trying to be a good, thoughtful, caring person this week has been so hard. It feels futile, weak, and down-right depressing. In fact, it feels like good is the opposite of what’s accepted as the norm. What the heck is going on? [I have a theory that it’s a combination of the political climate and the drabby weather outside, but this isn’t a space for solutions – just reflection. (Because apparently I haven’t had enough of it.)]

But I try anyway. My only defense is that, maybe, someone will see my example and be less of a jerk to the next person. I have absolutely no way of knowing this for certain, but it’s enough to put that stupid smile on my face, as wary as it is to be there.

As thorny as this week has felt, the largest rose has blossomed on the bush. If I didn’t keep getting pricked with thorns this week, I would not have had a chance to feel the comforting support of my husband. It’s true. When my hands feel cold and clammy, his warmth is enough to remind me that life is still good. When I doubt my inherent goodness and worth, he shakes his head sadly, like he hadn’t done his job well enough as a husband. Like, if he had been doing his job well enough, then I wouldn’t be sitting here like a dejected puppy. That’s how good he is.

But we’re not perfect. And we’re constantly trying to find ways to improve ourselves. Turns out that, this week, we weren’t focusing on improvement.

We were being forced to focus on what we already have: a marriage that, when we doubt everything about ourselves, there’s a person who says, “No. Stop. You are enough. You are good. I love You.” And he says it in such a way that I don’t have to second-guess him.

Duh, a little voice winks, he married you. Of course he means it.

And then I don’t doubt it at all.

How bizarre.

Year 2, Week 28: “Is ‘I want to get married’ good enough?”

As an English teacher, I feel like I get a bad rap for only being an expert on grammar. “Oh man,” people say. “Now I have to watch my words.” But I see my role as more than a grammar junkie or poetry buff (does such a person exist?). I try to be the English teacher that not only corrects misuse of “further and farther” or “well and good” but also one who inspires the love of language – words, rhetoric, literature, and everything in between. I love sharing both characters who have a backbone and those who learn how to stand up for themselves. Mostly, though, I love that literature allows me to discuss life and human nature within my classroom.

This week, I thought the New Year would be a good time to discuss humans’ search of progress and achievement, especially in context of new year’s resolutions. I decided to go bigger, however, and have my 9th graders imagine the rest of their lives. I assigned my students to create a Bucket List that would include all their dreams – anything they’d like to experience before they “kick the bucket.” I remember being full of dreams when I was a teenager, but I was also fortunate enough to have people in my village who encouraged me to dream big – or at least didn’t squash my ideas when I would bashfully bring them up at the dinner table. What if my students don’t have anyone in their corner telling them it’s okay to look beyond their neighborhood? I should be that person, I tell myself. And so I do not qualify the items on their list – I just listen and learn more about what my students want for themselves. It’s one of my favorite assignments of the year.

One day this week, a student perked her head up in attention and, without waiting for me to call on her, raised her hand, blurting out, “Is ‘getting married’ good enough?” I didn’t even have to ask her what she meant.

It was in her tone, and the way she furrowed her brow yearning for validation. She needed to know that her romantic wish was not less than her peers’ desires to travel the world and go to Coachella. My immediate reaction was to run over to her, hug her and tell her that the squeeze in her heart when she sees enamored couples kissing isn’t stupid.

I wanted to promise her in a rush that, if she just tries to love herself first, that the love she hopes to experience will eventually find her and wrap her up. I didn’t do that, though.

Instead, I grinned and said, “Well, I can’t exactly knock it. I’m married and have been having a good time.” The girls laughed in response, but I pressed, “But in all seriousness, with the right person, I think marriage is one of the most beautiful parts of life.”

If I had the time and space to continue, I would have continued. So here’s my delayed response to that student who wondered if her desire to marry someone was “good enough” to be one of her greatest goals.

Yes, my girl, the desire to be loved is a worthy desire. It is one that many don’t speak of, for fear of being called “weak” or “needy.” I, too, fought this desire – why should I be “bogged down” in a relationship when everyone else around me is going from guy to guy to guy? Shouldn’t I want that? Why don’t I want that?

It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t broken for wanting the consistency and security of one, steady, loving partner.

The real question is, I think, do you think you are “good enough” to be part of a partnership so beautiful that you can be both completely lost in it, and still more sure of yourself than almost anywhere else in life?

Are you ready to be surprised on a daily basis of both how much you know about this one human being – and also how much you have left to learn?

Are you willing to wrestle with ideas of independence and co-dependence and how you’re going to communicate your ‘non-negotiable’s and which issues you’ll be willing to compromise on? When you figure it out, congratulate yourself, but don’t go complacent! Just as you are ever-growing, so too will your standards.

Do you want to spend time on preventative maintenance? It’s much easier to discuss what could potentially go wrong and communicate expectations than it is to apologize profusely for hurting the person you promised you’d always care for. Sound like a big job? It is.

Do you understand the difference between a spat, a bicker, and a fight? In my experience, spats are funny; bickers usually reveal something very important and demand an apology; and fights are flames that could have been calmed in the bicker stage. You have to be attentive to your partner’s life – one antennae always pointed towards someone else – not always expecting him (or her) to revolve around you. True love is sacrificial, but it shouldn’t make you miserable. Your partner should fill up your cup just as you fill his (or hers).

Can you handle the overwhelming grace of your partner’s presence in your life after the Worst Day(s) ever? You know, the fact that you were a real pain in the you-know-what and don’t “deserve” love, but this person is hugging you and loving on you anyway? It’s such a beautiful gift. If our Creator loves us as much as people says He (or She) does, then get ready for pure heaven on earth.

So yes. Wanting to be married is “good enough” – as long as you and your partner to continue pouring ‘enough good’ into each other’s cups.

P.S. Just so you know, sometimes you totally miss the cup. But we can talk about that later.