This week, it felt like we were at the beginning of our relationship rather than 9 years and almost 2 years of marriage in, reveling in the beauty of our friendship, the laughter, and the memories being made right now.
Sometimes it’s just easy. I don’t have to wonder or second-guess anything, or ask why something wasn’t put away where it should have been, or be uncomfortable with difficult conversations because the most difficult thing to decide is what kind of ice cream we want for dessert.
Sometimes, it just feels good. It feels right. It feels like no one else on the planet will understand me like he does.
I talk a lot about how relationships require lots of work and maintenance and nurturing. It also takes a lot of work to grow plants and trees. But at some point, you literally get to taste the fruit of your labors.
And, if you’re really lucky, you’ll get this feeling most of the time. And boy, is it sweet.
We’re in Poland for two weeks! I realize this is the first time I missed a weekly reflection since we were married, but because of jet-lag and excitement and a lack of desire to be on a computer when beautiful Krakow was an open door away, I feel justified.
The last few weeks have witnessed me writing sub plans so my students will continue learning despite my extended sojourn, editing my first novel in any moment of down-time, and watching Cody interact with my Polish heritage.
It has been so amazing to see my husband totally open to experiencing the places and family that I’ve grown to remember fondly and make new memories with him. My family has laughed so hard with him. He doesn’t let messed-up Polish words mess up his enthusiasm to learn. Everyone knows Polish is ridiculously difficult to learn, so he is admired rather than ridiculed. Truly, the fact that he is earnestly learning the language is seriously flattering my family. My uncle has appreciated how much Cody embraces life and doesn’t let any potential adventure pass him by. And I have especially loved those quiet moments with Cody when there’s no one else around and he tells me how much he loves that I have this chance to reconnect with family from far away. I even think a part of him is beginning to embrace that this is now his family, too.
My aunt: Wow. Cody even helps clear off the table? Ania, you have it good.
Since we haven’t had much down time, what with going from family member to family member in different villages and cities in southwest Poland, my eyes are perpetually open to what’s going on around me. I have a brain tuned in to patterns – maybe it’s a result of studying piano or analyzing poetry – but I can see when things either keep repeating, or notice when they’re missing. SO.
Being able to appreciate what is in front of us, at this very moment, is the key to my true joy.
I’ve noticed which married couples are still flirting, even 40+ years together. They tease each other, are open to laughing at themselves and one another, and slip in compliments every now and then. They thank each other for little things, and praise each other regardless of how silly the situation may seem. You praise that which you want to see more of, right?
I’ve heard my widowed aunt already say she won’t dance at the family wedding this Saturday because she continues to mourn the loss of her true love, even a decade later. It’s this way of life that makes me love even harder now. Holding grudges just is not worth the time.
And I have been in the presence of a marriage so broken, it seems beyond repair.
Where does this leave me and Cody? I feel like this comes up often, but being able to appreciate what is in front of us, at this very moment, is the key to my true joy. In appreciating even the trials and sorrow that meets us on our journey through life, we understand that they, too, are lessons in improving our characters. And the more I travel with my best friend, the more I realize that Cody and I seem to be reminders to others that it’s okay to act like little kids.
Joy, laughter, and gratitude is what has helped us enjoy every day together up to this point. I hope it continues. I think it will.
Even when the snow falls in the spring, you just have to find a way to see the beauty in it. I think that’s how you avoid the shock of an eventual avalanche – you knew you loved what you had before it was taken away.
After eating ice cream in the car and visiting the castle that used to house German nobility, the snow came down quite a bit. It was gorgeous and fun and will be a memory for a lifetime.
We’ve been married over a year and a half now. I still feel like a newlywed.
We’ve been dating exclusively for 8 years. I still feel I don’t know who I am well enough to tell him everything he wants to know about my likes, dislikes, and dreams.
For over a decade now, I’ve known he was a guy I’d always want to know.
But I also know how quickly people can change. So. Preventative maintenance time.
Directions: Write down the things about yourself that are true right now. Not what you’ve told people for most of your life, or even what you told your significant other when you first started dating. Who are you right now? For 10 minutes, write down your quirks, likes, dislikes, and anything in between. Then share.
Be open-minded. Be prepared to hear things you didn’t think your partner would say about themselves. Don’t be surprised to hear that your own thoughts and beliefs have changed.
You are ever-growing. To check in with the partner you swore to be with for the rest of your natural life is necessary, especially if you don’t want to wake up one day and wonder “Who -are- you?”
Start by asking yourself, “Who am I?”
Then it’s up to you to keep choosing the person your significant other has become. Chances are, the parts you don’t like about him/her reflect something about you: maybe you need to see things from their perspective a bit more, or tell some more stories about how certain experiences have shaped you. Either way, nobody just changes over night. It’s a long process that we tend to ignore, or take for granted. Maybe it’s time to start checking in more regularly.
Our dining room table is like everyone else’s – well, anyone else who’s cool with the overall living process and recognizes that random stuff finds its way on the table-top every now and then.
We were able to visit our Arkansas family a week ago for a whirlwind weekend and had a really amazing time reconnecting with everyone we don’t get to see as often as we’d like. We left on a Friday, drove for 11.5 hours, stayed Saturday, Sunday, and were back on our way Monday. No worries – it was definitely worth the drive, and I’d do it again in a heart beat.
But that’s not what this week’s reflection is about.
I particularly remember the sweet silence of entering our Chicago home and reminiscing. And then I remember the surprise – Cody brought up all the stuff on our dining room table (we just kind of threw the stuff down… it was bed time!), and I assumed he was about to complain about the mess we already made. But he didn’t. He said, “Did you see our table? It has all the stuff we love on it. Your manuscript and a pen for editing, my moleskine notebook with work notes I was jotting down, some nice China plates for when we hosted dinner last weekend, the books we’re reading, a picture of Mary and Jesus saying ‘God Bless Our Home’.” He could have kept going, but he didn’t have to.
We took with us – and brought back – our basics: artifacts that represented our love for words, ideas, and people. That means we are becoming the people we imagined we could be, together.
It’s just a snapshot of daily life, but it’s a picture of a life we’re building together. And that’s pretty special.
Cody could have complained – he had every right to.
I left my leftover lunch in the Tupperware.
In my lunch bag.
For three days.
Yuck.
Background: My mom would often clean up after me because she’s a saint and I’ve always been kind of lazy, and any time anything made me really super uncomfortable (like, gross, smelly food), someone else (Dad?) would take care of it. It’s an uncomfortable truth. I know where the problem comes from. I know where it leads. I do it any way. That, my friends, is what we call a character flaw.
But, when confronted with my mess, Cody didn’t say a thing. I mean, while I was taking a shower, I heard him gag, but that was it. When I was out of the shower, I saw a clean dish and we proceeded as normal. I felt the shame. I thanked him for cleaning it – again – and he just kind of shrugged. I hated myself and promised not to let it get to this point ever again. I’ll let you know if I follow through.
Last week, Cody and I decided we’d take a fairly spontaneous trip down to Arkansas to visit family during the upcoming weekend. On Thursday morning, Cody proclaimed, “I have a goal. I am going to make sure the house is clean before we leave tomorrow so that we can come back to a more appealing home.” I completely agreed – especially with the part where he said “I”.
But I found that, when I came home on Thursday afternoon, I started working on Cody’s goal. I dropped in a load of laundry right away (one of the only chores I prefer, probably because my dad made it a bonding activity for us, instead of something I should scorn). Then, I started washing a load of dishes. I performed these two chores on repeat until the clothes were folded and almost all the dishes were dried.
He didn’t come home right after work like I thought he would. He did send a text around 7:30pm to ask how things were going at home, which I thought was a little strange, since he should have been home around this time. Reminder, if you need one: he was the one who said he was going to clean the house. At 9pm, the house was almost clean, but not because he was home, and definitely not because he told me to.
I love the man so much that his desire for a clean house motivated me to do it as an act of service to show him my love. I knew that he’d really appreciate me packing our bags and cleaning up the house, especially because he knows I’d seriously rather be doing other things.
So he came home a little after midnight to a clean home, gave me a big hug in the morning, and asked if I was mad at him. I answered him honestly, and the answer honestly surprised me.
No, I’m not. I found I meant it, too.
No? Ania, this would have made you so mad before. True. But this is before he cleaned up my messes and didn’t say a word about it.
It’s like we have our own language now. We don’t have to say anything, but I imagine the conversation runs in its silent current as follows:
Cody: My wife is a slob. But I love her. I know she really hates doing this stuff, and I value a less-smelly house (apparently more than she does) so I’ll clean it up.
This is so gross. But I love her…
Ania (hiding, as Cody is cleaning): Ugh. Why do I do this. Why don’t I just take care of it right away? I feel shame. …Why isn’t he yelling at me? Or at least making me feel bad?
I guess he doesn’t make me feel bad for the same reason I’m not mad at him for not showing up to his own idea of a clean house (haha). I didn’t want to ruin the trip – he’s usually the main cleaner of the house, so it wouldn’t be fair to get mad at him during a rare time he’s out enjoying himself with his colleagues.
Just like I know I have my character flaws, I also know that my husband loves me with extraordinary grace – he gives me love (forgiveness, mercy, goodness..) when I least think I deserve it. I guess you can say I have decided it’s time for me to grow up and start doing the same.
Cody and I were traveling to work this Monday morning and customarily asked each other what the upcoming week’s responsibilities looked like: what evenings were going to be dedicated to other obligations, and which hours would we spend together. It’s a nice way to set expectations so that we aren’t sad when Life “gets in the way.” We use Google calendar as our family planning tool. It’s wonderful.
As I was scrolling through traffic, Cody was swiping through our calendar(s) and said he’d be traveling to a meeting on Tuesday night and wouldn’t be home ’til late. I very casually affirmed, “No big deal. I have piano lessons until the early evening, and then I’ll just edit my book.”
And what happened next surprised me big time. There was no reason for the fear that gripped me, or the anxiety that ran through my body – but out of NO WHERE the thought “What if he’s cheating on me?” entered my mind.
You know the narrative – the husband “works late” but is really with The Other Woman and his wife is waiting for him at home, a warm meal prepared that’s going to get cold real quick, just like their relationship did a while back.
I need to reiterate that there was NO reason for this fear to exist. He hadn’t suggested anything, we hadn’t watched any shows or movies that showed infidelity… It was the same kind of surprise I encountered when my beautifully growing tulips were covered by snow yesterday.
It’s funny how quickly you can grow something – a true blue relationship -, just to have it destroyed in a few hours time.
When things go, or feel wrong, I’ve been trying lately to accept my feelings and “honor” them (whatever that really means) and then let them go. It’s kind of like I just let the snow keep covering the spring flowers. I imagine the worst case scenarios since I forget that there could ever be good again.
What if he cheats on me?
What if he is cheating on me? He is on that computer an awful lot, and we did meet online.
What if I’m so blind one day that I miss all the red flags and warning signs and become the woman at home who just cooked a great meal and her husband won’t be home til late?
How vast would this heart break be.
I realized that the last thought wasn’t a question.
It wasn’t until later that evening that I shared these fears with Cody. He just hugged me from behind and said, “From someone who’s been cheated on and mistreated, you don’t have to worry.” (He even sang the song a little :).
It did make me feel better. The Google calendar and open communication throughout the day doesn’t hurt, either; it helps me feel validated, secure, and thought of. It’s insane how much that fear of losing him to infidelity drove my desire to love and appreciate him even more.
Sometimes the snow -the doubt, the fear, the insecurity- has to cover the flowers -the relationship and your perceptions of it- to inspire greater appreciation and trust. Constant fear should be examined, certainly, but in my case, this circumstance does not warrant greater reflection.
So no, I’m not actually worried that Cody will cheat on me, but boy did the fear of it make me appreciate that I don’t have to worry at all.
Update: Turns out the snow didn’t destroy the flowers. In fact, it looks like the the melted water helped make them taller. Maybe, every once in a while, we need to imagine something we love will disappear one day, in order to nurture what we already have.
I went to an all-girls high school.
At this school, we were asked to reflect on just about everything.
There was a perpetual joke that we reflect on our reflections.
So it’s not a surprise I have written reflections on my marriage since its inception.
At this “the un-reflected life is not worth living” educational institution, I met a few of the most inspiring women of my life. When I heard from one of those friends that Wife Reflections has been instrumental in helping her prepare for her own marriage, I was rightfully humbled. Me? But I barely know enough myself. That’s why I’m reflecting on it, right?
After I groaned, “I don’t know what to write about this week!” (This usually indicates that there’s plenty to share but I’m hesitant about sharing it with the masses right now.), Abby offered to write a little something. I gave Abby a true Peace-inspired reflection activity: You suggested that Wife Reflections is kind of like “soul food” for you and your future marriage. Please reflect on this.
This is what I am honored to share. Maybe you, dear reader, can relate. Here’s Abby!
“Change, we don’t like it, we fear it.
But we can’t stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
It hurts to grow, anyone who tells you it doesn’t is lying.
But sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, oh sometimes change is good.
Sometimes change is EVERYTHING.”
I feel that amongst even the most self-professed of thrill-seekers and daredevils, there is always a moment (or two) of fear. That fear is what gets your adrenaline pumping after all—the magical hormone that gives you that high that makes the experience so jubilant, memorable and enjoyable. To be the kind of person that grows from that fear, who embraces it knowing that the end result will provide a kind of joy they wouldn’t otherwise know – that is why we make such jumps.
And this is the kind of fleeting but constant, minimal but pervasive fear I’ve felt since exclaiming, “Of course I will!” to my fiancé as he knelt before me 9 months ago. About three and a half months away from our big day, I’m continuing to learn about myself, about him, about our relationship, and about this fear. And amazingly but unsurprisingly, Wife Reflections has been an integral part of our many conversations.
See, I am, as Ania would describe, a fearlessly ambitious person. I run into things head on, plowing ahead to get through to my goal. Much of that is motivation and dedication, but some of it too is that, through keeping busy, I don’t have to give much thought to feelings of uneasiness or fear. A requirement of focus and time to the details of achieving my goal leaves me little time to think about the forthcoming change or fear of the unknown. Fortunately, this system has worked to my advantage quite a bit; but when it came to the idea of my marriage -the lifelong relationship I was building- this was obviously not an option.
Having been separated from formal religion from some time, living 1,000 miles away from most family and friends and being smack in the middle of a rigorous master’s program in nursing, I have reached out for emotional and life support wherever and whenever I can. I have often sought advice from my wonderful mom, from many friends, from literature, news, and other corners of the Internet. When Ania first started this blog after her wedding almost TWO years ago, I was thrilled to be able to share in some moments of her newlywed life. I’ve known Ania and Cody for many years now, and it was such an exciting time in their life.
In typical cliché fashion, I couldn’t have imagined how the reflections and hard work of my soul sister would guide me through these times.
Despite the constant onslaught of how an engagement should go, what makes a successful marriage, and who needs to be invited to the wedding, this blog has always shown the whole picture to me:
The daily ups and downs
the serious and conscious effort that is love and marriage
the exciting and boring times
how each moment can be important and impactful.
Also, as karma and luck would have it, often times when a significant or difficult conversation or argument has arisen between my fiancé and I, that week’s Wife Reflection has amazingly answered a question I didn’t know I’d asked, or provided the reassurance that a particular personality kink didn’t mean my relationship would soon be doomed.
Wife Reflections has prompted conversations between my partner and I, filling in the gaps when we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to say it. Other weeks, it provides food-for-thought—ideas about marriage that I hadn’t previously considered.
Through it all, when I have been tempted to charge ahead and through the minutiae of wedding planning, the reflections have been a reminder that
the wedding is a fun party, but the marriage is the most exciting part
having a partner is comforting and familiar, but should also be challenging and non-complacent
unlike the romanticized shows and movies, being in love is a choice, each and every day, to dedicate yourself to another person. To fight for what you want in your relationship.
So maybe you’re wondering what any or all of this has to do with fear? For me, fear of the unknown of married life had the potential to cripple me – to make me run far away, thinking that knowing what to expect would be more comfortable than heading toward that unknown.
But acknowledging this fear, accepting the fear, sitting in the fear, and allowing the conversation, fueled by the insights of my wonderful friend who has walked before me into marriage, I am moving away from the paralyzing side of fear to the adrenaline side to feel that excitement, and to let that bit of fear be the provider of hopes and dreams… to be motivated by the fear, to fight like hell through the hard stuff to reap the high of love.
Abby looking beautiful at the bridal shower celebrated in her honor!
Here’s a relatively unorganized list of our priorities.
Spend quality time with each other. Even though our schedules don’t really align at all, we make time for each other in the beginnings and ends of every single day.
HUGS. Morning hugs, afternoon hugs, before-bed hugs; it doesn’t matter.
Make time for play time. The daily grind is not sustainable, and it ultimately makes us unhappy, so we have to make time to just have some fun. This means weekends should be generally free of self-inflicted, scheduled, sadness.
Live intentionally; don’t live “other people’s lives” just because it’s popular.
Set time aside frequently for friends and family. Bring people together, especially people who don’t know each other already. We try to make community building our “thing.”
Keep a healthy balance of spontaneous and planned living.
Travel! Where to, how long, how we’ll do it, and why.
Make a ridiculous deal out of when the other comes home (i.e. “shaking our tails”). It’s almost stupid how simple, and yet how effective, it is.
Lots of giggling. Tell awful puns.
Read together in bed.
Don’t be afraid to have hard conversations, especially when we’re not sure how we’ll come to an agreement.
Don’t take each other for granted; life is just too short.
Eat clean, exercise, and live a relatively healthy lifestyle.
Don’t binge-watch shows; we delay-gratify the crap out of Netflix.
Make time away from each other! Absence makes the heart grow fonder and sweetens the reunion that much more; recently, it’s been Montana for me and camping trips for Cody (although I did crash the last one.. sorry I’m not sorry).
“Bed Time is the Best Time!”
Show our love through action (e.g. Cody picks up my messes, and I plug in his phone whenever he forgets).
Take concrete actions towards the achievements of our dreams.
Ask the other hard questions. Wait lovingly for the answer.
Pray at the dinner table. Pray again in bed, if it’s been a tough day.
I keep forgetting it’s not just me anymore.
But then it is me – my likes, dislikes, and character.
But it’s not just about me anymore.
But how do we talk about stuff when his likes, dislikes, and character, sometimes seems to clash with mine?
This long weekend was tiring. We didn’t do anything crazy. We read a lot, laughed a lot, and walked around beautiful 60-degree sunshiney Chicago a lot, but we also talked a lot.
Or, at least, he talked a lot. And I thought a lot about how I’d respond.
This is a frustrating reflection to write because there isn’t an answer at the end. I just think you should know what the real difficulty is here.
Cody loves “rough draft” talk. “Rough draft” talk is the idea that, without any real aim (or with just a tentative end in mind), the speaker can feel free to just speak. It’s through speaking that she can create, or stumble upon, more ideas than if she had remained silent. I claim to love it, and I encourage my students to do it all the time (“Don’t be afraid! Talk it out! This is how we learn!”), but when it comes to actually practicing it, I freeze like an opossum who never saw the other guy coming.
Example:
Cody and I decided to go out on Friday night (Yay!) to enjoy the spring-weather in mid-February. We were waiting in traffic when a group of teenage girls passed by us and Cody commented, “Jeez. Herd mentality. Our kid will never…”
And that’s all I had to here for every single one of my porcupine needles to spring out of my usually-soft exterior. I’m pretty sure one even flew out of the open window, judging by the echoing shriek from the girls running around outside. I tried to coax them back in, lovingly reminding them that Cody isn’t the enemy and I should just listen and learn from his perspective.
So I asked him what he meant. And I didn’t like what he had to say.
Because I was already on the defensive.
I’m not here to air out our dirty laundry. I’m not even hear to complain that we had a spat – that’s normal stuff. I’m here to describe what happens when I close up, or “needle-out.”
When I feel offended, I stop talking. It’s a hearkening back to “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” There is no rough-draft talk. This makes Cody feel like (hold on, let me ask him).. “I generally assume that I have done something wrong and I can’t fix it because I don’t know what it is. Or, I feel like you’re holding back thoughts that could help us improve our relationship because you’re afraid of causing issues today. I, however, would rather work through any issues today so we can have a happier, more successful tomorrow.” Yes, he really said that. What an English teacher’s dream, amiright?
So I clamp up. In my mind, yes, I am holding something back because I feel like I’m not thinking the way I should be thinking. I look up to Cody so much that sometimes I feel like I’d rather just go along with his way of thinking because he’s older than I am, which means he has spent more time reading than I have and has, at the end of the day, lived more life than I have. I have spent most of my life looking up to my three older brothers, so I have tons of practice putting my thoughts aside to just listen to someone else’s opinions.
But Cody’s not interested in that submission crap. And that means I have to “rough draft” talk when I least want to. I want to speak eloquently always, making perfect sense in every sentence. I don’t want him to snap onto a few words that I may not have even meant, which could cause an even greater misunderstanding. It’s not that I don’t want to work on our relationship, it’s just that uncomfortable conversations really suck, especially when your significant other really wants to know what you think.
So I guess this is just a reflection showing what I know I still have to work on. Cody and I can flirt, joke around, and have surface conversations with the best of them. But what makes our marriage truly ours is how much hard labor we’re willing to pour into the foundation.
And if you want a sturdy foundation, you have to be willing to get dirt under your fingernails, some porcupine needles in your butt, and a lot of rough draft talk to get a perfect blueprint.
Proof from our Friday night that sums up our discomfort. But at least we were full on Mexican and chocolate. ..Maybe that was the problem.
I give Cody permission to write this week’s reflection. In the spirit of our latest Netflix binge, “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”, look away, look away, because Cody is going to be honest with my shortcomings. I promise it ends on a sweet note, because, even though we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, this week’s reflection is proof that we’re romantic even on days that aren’t endorsed by Hallmark. Here’s Cody.
At the beginning of 2017, we decided to make one of our goals for the year to have a pre-planned monthly “traditional” date night—a movie, dinner, ice skating, that sort of thing.
One of our biggest issues as a couple is that Ania likes to go out a lot more frequently than I do, whether it’s dinner out or fancy cocktails with friends. I, on the other hand, prefer having people over to our house where we can skip the long lines, cook dinner together, make our own fancy cocktails for 1/10 the price, talk without being drowned out by other people or obnoxiously loud music, and play an occasional board game. (I’m not biased at all. 😉 ) Add in the fact that we’ve set some very ambitious financial goals together, and dining out falls to the bottom of my priority list.
While this difference in priorities alone can be a source of contention, we learned a valuable “couple insight” for ourselves in 2016. We would go out with friends on Wednesday and Ania would be complaining on Friday that we never go out anywhere. But when we have a night out planned and on the calendar in advance, the act of looking forward to the evening makes her appreciate the experience more.
This brings us back to our goal of a monthly “traditional” date. With all of this in mind, we made sure to prioritize a pre-planned date night in our 2017 goals. (More on our “couple goals” process later.)
While we’ll still go out with friends spontaneously when the occasion arises, having a set night out for ourselves alleviates some of this anxiety and reinforces the experience. Similarly, we’re trying pre-planned group “dates” each month with a core group of friends as well. But that’s another subject.
So we scheduled a recurring night on the calendar for the 2nd Thursday of every month. This makes sure we don’t miss a month and gives us something to look forward to each month.
Unfortunately, there was a bit of a snag with this month’s plans. On the Wednesday before our date night, my office had to be evacuated. Long story short, we had some equipment fail. We ordered replacements to be shipped overnight. They arrived Thursday afternoon and my boss asked everyone to stay late to help install the new stuff.
I didn’t know how long it would take, so I stayed a little late to help get started. But as I realized we weren’t wrapping up, I had to excuse myself to my boss:
“I don’t want to be a quitter, but Ania and I have plans.
It’s date night.”
I’m fortunate to have a boss who understands. But behind this understanding is a plethora of conversations my boss and I have had together about priorities, starting before I was even hired. (Working in finance often means 12-14 hour days and I wanted to be clear from the start that a work-life balance is important to me.)
So when I asked to bail a little early, he just smiled and said,
“Go save your marriage.”
I know Ania is happier today because we chose to honor our date night this week. And that makes me a happy boy.
