Family – Page 2

Year 2, Week 5: Family Comes First

We should be in Puerto Rico right now. But we’re not. And that’s completely okay with us. Let me explain.

One of my very best friends was gearing up to graduate with her Master’s Degree in July AND simultaneously celebrating her acceptance into a Ph.D. program (for which she weathered many obstacles and worked exceptionally hard). I try to support my friends’ decisions as much as I can and am very vocal in celebrating just about any success they experience. This time was no different. I asked Cody how he would feel about taking the celebration to Puerto Rico, giving my friend the round-trip plane tickets as a gift (for the next 5 Christmases and birthdays, too) for her amazing work. He agreed!

So we bought the tickets, gave her the news, and were really excited for the prospect of scuba diving along the shores of PR and finding days that he’d be able to work remotely while still enjoying our time there. That fun stopped to a grinding halt, however, when I read on the news that Zika was in Puerto Rico and great care should be taken while traveling there.

Cody and I want to be parents one day. We believe we can be good parents who raise good people. So to read that Zika – a virus that could severely harm my baby – was alive and well in PR, there was hardly any discussion as to whether we should still fly to our planned destination. I would regret it so much if anything happened as a result of our travels there. We made a decision as parents, already, that we would take every precaution to protect our baby. We canceled the plane tickets and gave my friend (who took the canceled trip with extraordinary grace and understanding that I will always remember, admire, and respect) the reasons for the cancelation.

After beating myself up for a little while for not planning better before I got everyone’s hopes up, I decided to channel that energy into planning a trip to Arkansas instead (I told you in last week’s that it was going to be time to visit soon – life just made it happen a little sooner).

I am so grateful that we rode the wave instead of getting mad at the choppy waters. My friend was a wonderful example of grace, and I truly believe her selfless support of my decision for my future babies has cemented our friendship for posterity. Cody’s quick agreement made it easier on me, too.

We saw the choice in front of us: go to Puerto Rico, or not. We chose that the health of our family is way more important a trip we have been saving up for. We chose to use that time to visit our family in Arkansas, who we were were going to visit anyway, but decided it was smarter to do it sooner (especially since Cody’s grandpa had emergency heart surgery last week! We got to visit him and have a really nice time together.)

Instead of getting mad that life wasn’t going exactly according to plan, we chose to enjoy the ride anyway. In this case, the choice was very clear: Family always always always comes first.

You can't prepare for the gusts of wind, but you can choose whether you'll grumble or laugh. You can see which we prefer. — You can’t prepare for the gusts of wind, but you can choose whether you’ll grumble or laugh. You can see which we prefer.

Guest Post: Ms. Sherry’s 2nd Year and Giving it Your All

My marriage would simply not be how it is if I hadn’t experienced and observed the fruits of loving marriages around me. I feel as if I could go on and on about which couples have affected me the most but, instead, I’ll choose one that has deeply affected my own psyche and approach to marriage.

Ms. Sherry works at my alma mater, an all-girls high school that guides teenage girls towards the empowerment of themselves through education while becoming compassionate leaders who speak the truth and build diverse community. A natural bi-product of this “become independent” “you don’t need no man” mentality unfortunately collided with my own desires to be in a co-dependent relationship one day. In fact, I seemed to take the warnings of “you’d be just fine if you were alone” to the opposite side of the spectrum that led me to believe that, besides the fear of failure, I was terribly afraid of losing my significant other one day.

I didn’t realize that it was this fear that kept a wall around my heart (ugh, cliches) for most of my relationship with Cody. You may wonder what exactly this means. Here’s an easy example that’s found its way into our marriage despite my “opening up”:

If Cody said ANYTHING that seemed to, in any way, threaten my independence, a fight would ensue (C: “Hey, let’s talk about a budget.” A: “NO. IT’S MY MONEY! My sophomore biology teacher warned us never to rely financially on a man!” C: “But it’s our budget with our money.” A: “No! IT’S MY hard-earned MONEY.” And so it would continue until I realized my ideals do not have to fight with his/our ideas of teamwork.) P.S. Now I know that as long as my own spending is in the budget we created together, he’s actually not preventing me from doing anything. Turns out fear makes us act weird. Go figure.

So I reasoned that, if I didn’t allow him to totally infiltrate my life, then if he were to someday “leave” (that’s what we call dying, because I trust that he wouldn’t just “leave” the relationship), I would still be able to function. I would be fine. My counselor told me so!

I wasn’t sure just how to reconcile the constant fear of dooming thoughts: “What if things are going so well now because he won’t be here tomorrow? Or after the birth of our first child, what if something horrible happens?” The thoughts wouldn’t go away – and it kept Cody a little farther away than I think I realized at the time.

And then, one day, I received the sad news that Ms. Sherry’s husband had “left.” She and her family (who are very close) were understandably devastated and they honored me with the request to play the piano and sing at his funeral. I saw past teachers, friends, and a familiar piano. I played my heart out and fought back the tears. This is my worst fear happening right in front of me, I thought. How in the world is a wife whose best friend just died, able to move on?

I was surprised by the immediate reaction to my own thoughts: “Of course she will move on just fine. She’s Ms. Sherry. She is kind, loving, and warm to everyone she meets. She will miss him – A LOT – but he did not make her her. She was already wonderful. He just helped bring that wonder out in her. She’ll just keep loving. It will hurt, but she will be okay.”

My confidence in Ms. Sherry’s character was enough to help convince me that allowing my future husband completely into my life is not just a choice – it is a necessity. How else can we be a complete team if I keep preparing for the day when he can’t show up to a game? To be a real team, we have to truly be together, from day one.

A few months later, as our wedding date was quickly approaching I made the necessary choice to try and knock down all the “I need to be as independent as possible just in case he leaves” walls that had been built. It was incredible how many there were (and how many we’re still trying to break down). Years and years of “Don’t let them get too close. You’re a strong woman, you don’t need anybody!” were piled up on each other.

It was scary, it left me vulnerable,but it opened me up to pure magic that I simply would not have had access to if I hadn’t scooped Cody up, dropped him where even I don’t want to go, and said, “HERE. All of it. Take it. I trust you. You’ll only make me better.” Then I paused and said, “And when you do ‘leave’ one day…”

“…You’ll be okay,” Cody responded with a smile.

Because she has deeply affected my own life, I asked Ms. Sherry to find a picture from her second year of marriage and write her own reflection. I’m so honored to share it here:

“Our 2nd year continued our love affair that lasted our entire marriage. Best friends, sweethearts, soul mates until the very end. The arrival of our first son 20 months after being married brought us closer than I thought possible. When/if you have been blessed to find the person of your dreams, hold on to them with every ounce of your heart and soul, even through the trying times. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 80/80. You both have to give a little more.”

A memory from Sherry's second year of marriage. — A memory from Sherry’s second year of marriage.

Thank you, Ms. Webb!

Year 2, Week 3: Meeting in the Middle

Little did I realize that, when I successfully resolved one long-distance relationship by helping Cody move to Chicago from Philadelphia, I was actually adding an entire community of long-distance relationships to my life.

Since Cody’s family lives in Arkansas, we’re essentially in a long distance relationship with my in-laws and, although some women are muttering “Be thankful for the distance!” I can’t even say I’m grateful for that. I adore my in-laws and see them as an integral part of my own family. It really stinks that we can’t just come over on a Sunday afternoon, have some delicious food, play some board games with our grandparents, swim in their big, beautiful pool, and drive back refreshed, re-energized, and ready for the new week ahead. Instead, I’m perpetually on the look-out for at-least five day weekends so that if we decide to make the ~14 hour drive, we can at least spend a solid three days there.

I'd start walking your way/ You'd start walking mine/ We'd meet in the middle.../ We'd gain a lot of ground/ 'Cause we'd both give a little/ There ain't no road too long/ When we meet in the middle" — “I’d start walking your way/
You’d start walking mine/
We’d meet in the middle…/
We’d gain a lot of ground/
‘Cause we’d both give a little/
There ain’t no road too long/
When we meet in the middle” – “Meet in the Middle” by Diamond Rio

I’m embarrassed to admit how long it took me to realize that there is an alternative. I remember when I was wedding planning one day and realized that we did not need to plan for “only-Arkansas” trips anymore… we could meet in the middle! I immediately called Cody’s mom and asked her what she thought of meeting half-way between our cities of residence. It would mean six hour drives, but six hours is preferable to fourteen – right? Thankfully, she agreed, and we had our first “Meet in the Middle” trip in St. Louis a few months ago. We had our second trip this last weekend, in Cape Girardeau!

This was the song Cody and I would listen to while we were long-distance, dreaming about the day we’d be able to enjoy the fact that we’re close enough to easily walk to each other.

It was wonderful to spend time with the set of parents we don’t get to see as often, and I have to admit that even when we left on Sunday after a full day and half together (you take what you can get when you’re long-distance, no matter what), I still felt pretty sad. Even though we’ve tried out this half-way way of doing things, we’re still not able to have the experiences spent with Cody’s more extended family, especially his grandparents. We really miss them!

So as much as we love the shorter commute time, I think it’s time to just “bite the bullet” as they say and take the longer drive to see our Nana, Pa, PawPaw and MawMaw.

Like Tim McGraw says in his song Humble and Kind, “Visit grandpa every chance that you get – it won’t be wasted time.”