Family

Year 4, Week 49: Waiting for Our Baby

I’ll never forget receiving the message that day, over a year ago. It was textless – a sound file. When I increased the volume on my phone, I heard them: strong, rapid, healthy heart beats. One of my best friends from high school – a woman I look up to, live life beside, and never let slip too far in my rearview mirror – was sharing the news of her pregnancy!

This wasn’t the first time I had experienced a pregnancy announcement; in fact, I’ve been able to celebrate with my family and many of my family’s friends throughout my life. With this announcement, though, some unexpected emotions manifested.

Let’s be real: I do not want to admit this, but it’d be a dishonest reflection if I did not. And it wouldn’t show the enormous heart transformation that has occurred since then.

So here it is.

The amount of envy that infiltrated what should have been a purely joyous moment was deeply disturbing to me. It was the first time that it had happened, and I know why.

This was my peer in just about every sense of the word: though she was a grade above me in high school, we were track and field teammates, both ambitious students, and subscribed to the notion that women should help each other rather than create more drama for each other. I knew the moment she called to tell me about the guy she had met that she was going to marry him: “It’s in your voice. The love in your voice. This is your guy.” We got to see them get married on such a gorgeous day and now it made complete sense that they would be welcoming a baby into their lives!

But Cody and I had been trying for a baby for a year at that point, and the tears that I tried to swallow when my friend sent me that message were really awful. The sudden feeling that it was somehow unfair was the worst. Unfair? How was it unfair? Even writing it down for the public to see is terrible. But I know this is common. I know this is a thing. I didn’t WANT to feel the way I did, but I DID. Now the question was, How could I stop it?

I don’t want to be blinded to what I have because I’m too busy looking at what I don’t.

I vowed then that I would never allow someone else’s joy–and their desire to share that joy with me–ever be soured by bitterness or envy. It couldn’t be. Not feeling complete joy because something absolutely wonderful is happening is NOT the way it should be. It’s not the way I want to live my life. I resolved that there had to be a better way.

Being grateful for what I have RIGHT NOW is 98% of it.

It has taken a dependable group of friends, women who know my heart – who know I don’t have bad intentions when I tell them I feel sad and happy at the same time – and women who have experienced the waiting. It has taken a husband who doesn’t put pressure on me or who reminds me that it’s not my fault that it’s taking us a little longer than it might take other couples. It has taken parents and parents-in-law who don’t remind us at every turn that we should probably be giving them grandbabies at this point. It has taken my own willpower to resist snapping back at those who try to reassure me saying, “But you’re so young. You have time” and believe them, instead. It has taken the power of prayer to keep my heart calm and peel away the frustration that things aren’t happening on my own time.

Ultimately, here’s what I know as truth. And it’s this truth that grounds me and keeps me positive, happy for others, and guards me against that awful feeling that might threaten to creep up every now and then:

I will have the perfect baby at the perfect time. I’ll know, looking at my baby, why it was meant to happen then and not necessarily when I wanted.

That’s it.

How do I know I’ve had a mental and emotional transformation? Well, you know how we’re able to test our physical health and progress through competition, or measurements, or other tests. But what about mental health? How do I know I’ve improved so much?

Well, this last week, I not only visited the newborn of our very best friends, but the next day I visited another newborn of a good colleague of mine and then, the very next day after that, after that first beautiful heartbeat message, I got to celebrate Remi’s first birthday. With either of the visits, there was no bitterness, no sadness, no anger, no jealousy. I got to watch one of my very best friends celebrate her daughter’s first birthday. I was able to play with Remi, cuddle and giggle with her.

Does the yearning still exist? Absolutely. But there’s a comfort in the waiting now that wasn’t there before.

Thank God for that.

Year 3, Week 23: Rules From My Mother-In-Law

I distinctly remember the weeks leading up to 2013. I was second-guessing everything, especially my choice to be in such a serious relationship when I just 20 years old. As it goes with thinking the grass is greener on the other side, I believed that people my age were living it up, right in their refusal to be ‘tied down’, dedicating themselves instead to their ‘selfish’ years, while I was – on the other hand – making myself exclusive with a guy I’d known since high school. How could I possibly know that this relationship was the right one if I had barely experienced a relationship with anyone else? Right?

I have wonderful sisters-in-law who waded through the murky waters with me and asked the ultimate question: Can you see yourself with anyone else?

A week later, Cody asked me on the way to our New Year’s Eve celebration: Do you want to start this year single? What? That was an option? His question honestly scared the living daylights out of me and was enough to answer with an adamant No!

I know it was so tough for him to ask. It was a gamble, since I was clearly not totally ‘in’ but wondering if I should be. The thought of losing him felt like immediate suffocation. At almost-26, I want to roll my eyes, but I really can’t make it any less dramatic; I was 20. It was dramatic.

But there was a huge factor that kept me with Cody when just about everything else was pulling me out of the relationship: his parents. My future in-laws. I know it’s so different than the ‘typical’ woman’s experience, so if you don’t have a solid relationship with your in-laws, I hope you don’t take this as salt in the wound. I know I’m lucky. But I also think it’s not impossible to recreate in someone else’s life, either. While I wondered if I’d ever have anyone else remotely close to Cody, I also knew I’d never find another family quite as wonderful as his.

Even though I only had two decades behind me, I had heard the horror stories of in-laws who have made it difficult to function in a partnership, who weren’t supportive, who didn’t know how to keep their noses out, who wanted to sabotage the success of the relationship for one reason or another.

My in-laws, however, are the opposite. They call us out when we’re being unfair or dramatic, or they subtly suggest an alternate viewpoint. My favorite? One, or both, will throw out a joke to ease any tension.

I’ll never forget when I was becoming jealous over Cody’s ex-girlfriend one day and his dad, a man of few words, simply stated, “You’re going to have to accept that he has a past, just like he’ll have to accept yours. He’s here with you now, isn’t he?” And that was it. It was short, to the point, and the truth. I knew then that, if I were to marry Cody, my future father-in-law had our best interest at heart.

My mother-in-law, affectionately referred to as Momma Ray, is more involved – but in the best ways possible.

A few weeks ago, Cody called and told me that his mom would be staying with us for the week. Whenever I told my colleagues that morning, they tentatively waited for my reaction: was I happy about this? Was I going to be distracted all day, thinking of what I needed to put on display before my mother-in-law came to town? I quickly dispelled any concerns with a quick, “No, no! It’s okay! I love her!”

A week had passed, and new tensions still hadn’t arisen. There was no reason to complain – at all. And, honestly, it was so nice to see my husband so happy, knowing that he had to be loved if his Southern mother was choosing to spend a week in cold Chicago.

I know it is a bizarre phenomenon. It’s not expected. And I swear to the highest heavens that I’m not ‘killing with kindness’ or faking affinity for my mother-in-law.

The night before she was going to go back home, I asked Momma Ray why she thought we had such a solid relationship, after almost seven years of being in each other’s lives, totally breaking the usual stereotype. She thought about it for a little while and then share three main guidelines she follows.

Momma Ray’s Guidelines to Being a Mother-In-Law:

Don’t assume the worst. This is such a graceful act and one I appreciate so much. This means that even if I had done, or said something, that didn’t initially vibe with this woman, she gave me another chance to redeem myself. I’ve heard her muse that people could be having a rough day, or under a lot of pressure, and they may react uncharacteristically. She gives people so many chances. I’m relieved; when I’m a new mother and making decisions that she might not agree with, I know she’ll be patient with us – and not automatically assume that we’re the worst parents that ever tread the earth. My mother-in-law and I get along so well probably because we both give everyone the benefit of the doubt – maybe almost to a fault. But I think we’d both rather be this way, than the alternative.

Be realistic. As in, every new relationship will have bumps, so don’t assume your kid is always right. I’m so glad Momma brought this up, because it’s so true. I felt welcome from the very first visit to Cody’s hometown. When Cody said something incriminating (in jest, of course), I waited. I wanted to slap him, but didn’t want to make a scene. On the same beat, Momma Ray lifted an eyebrow, turned to me and said, “Want me to get him, baby?” I knew I was safe, then. I could share my own reactions and not worry that Momma would jump to Cody’s rescue (even though he was the one making trouble). Even though Cody has an amazing relationship with his mom, she’s never become a wedge in our relationship. She is able to separate her son-the baby and her son-the partner. Because she lovingly corrects her son, it in a way reminds me to be the best partner I can be, too.. not to avoid any confrontation, but because we’re free to make mistakes, but we’re expected to fix it, too.

Don’t take sides. I didn’t have to be married to Cody yet to feel like Momma was the advocate of our relationship, not just the advocate of her son. In fact, by the time we had said “I Do” I already felt like I was one of Momma’s own. She said herself, “Once y’all married you both became my kids equally and I wouldn’t take sides with my natural kids.”

I wish everyone had a woman like Darla to call ‘mother-in-law.’ She and my own mom share so many of the same values, like hard work, and grit, and grace. They lay down their own wants and desires for the good of the family and are most joyful when the people she loves are happy, healthy, and taken care of. Any less, and I swear she can’t relax.

What do I do to nurture and maintain such a good relationship with my mother-in-law? Well, I suppose that’s for another reflection.

Because they’re so awesome, we decided to give them a little gift 🙂

Year 2, Weeks 41 and 42: Lessons > Failures

We’re in Poland for two weeks! I realize this is the first time I missed a weekly reflection since we were married, but because of jet-lag and excitement and a lack of desire to be on a computer when beautiful Krakow was an open door away, I feel justified.

The last few weeks have witnessed me writing sub plans so my students will continue learning despite my extended sojourn, editing my first novel in any moment of down-time, and watching Cody interact with my Polish heritage.

It has been so amazing to see my husband totally open to experiencing the places and family that I’ve grown to remember fondly and make new memories with him. My family has laughed so hard with him. He doesn’t let messed-up Polish words mess up his enthusiasm to learn. Everyone knows Polish is ridiculously difficult to learn, so he is admired rather than ridiculed. Truly, the fact that he is earnestly learning the language is seriously flattering my family. My uncle has appreciated how much Cody embraces life and doesn’t let any potential adventure pass him by. And I have especially loved those quiet moments with Cody when there’s no one else around and he tells me how much he loves that I have this chance to reconnect with family from far away. I even think a part of him is beginning to embrace that this is now his family, too.

My aunt: Wow. Cody even helps clear off the table? Ania, you have it good.

Since we haven’t had much down time, what with going from family member to family member in different villages and cities in southwest Poland, my eyes are perpetually open to what’s going on around me. I have a brain tuned in to patterns – maybe it’s a result of studying piano or analyzing poetry – but I can see when things either keep repeating, or notice when they’re missing. SO.

Being able to appreciate what is in front of us, at this very moment, is the key to my true joy.

I’ve noticed which married couples are still flirting, even 40+ years together. They tease each other, are open to laughing at themselves and one another, and slip in compliments every now and then. They thank each other for little things, and praise each other regardless of how silly the situation may seem. You praise that which you want to see more of, right?

I’ve heard my widowed aunt already say she won’t dance at the family wedding this Saturday because she continues to mourn the loss of her true love, even a decade later. It’s this way of life that makes me love even harder now. Holding grudges just is not worth the time.

And I have been in the presence of a marriage so broken, it seems beyond repair.

Where does this leave me and Cody? I feel like this comes up often, but being able to appreciate what is in front of us, at this very moment, is the key to my true joy. In appreciating even the trials and sorrow that meets us on our journey through life, we understand that they, too, are lessons in improving our characters. And the more I travel with my best friend, the more I realize that Cody and I seem to be reminders to others that it’s okay to act like little kids.

Joy, laughter, and gratitude is what has helped us enjoy every day together up to this point. I hope it continues. I think it will.

Even when the snow falls in the spring, you just have to find a way to see the beauty in it. I think that’s how you avoid the shock of an eventual avalanche – you knew you loved what you had before it was taken away.

After eating ice cream in the car and visiting the castle that used to house German nobility, the snow came down quite a bit. It was gorgeous and fun and will be a memory for a lifetime.

Year 2, Week 32: “WOW!”

Cody and I were at my parents’ house sometime before we got marriage, eating the breakfast my mom made for us, and she was still adding more items to the smorgasbord. As she stirred veggies in a pan for omelettes and folded deli meats and cheeses, my dad was getting dressed in their adjacent bedroom and telling her a story in between grunts and pauses (the man’s pants seem to shrink of their own accord, he claims). I couldn’t help but notice that my mom was not only kind of listening to Dad, but also preparing breakfast and also unsuccessfully eavesdropping on my own quiet Sunday-morning conversations with Cody over the funny pages. When Dad’s story seemed to come to a conclusion, like the movement of a song finding its resting beat, my mom gave an over-zealous “Woow..”

Cody and I started laughing immediately. We still don’t know if it was the effort she was trying to put in, signaling to Dad that she actually was listening and trying to engage with his story, or the fact that the response was so ingenuous it was laughable. Whatever it was, Mom knew she was caught and let herself be caught in giggles. We didn’t know it at the time, but these “Woow” conversations are quite normal in marriage. For my dad, they’ve been happening for 40 years. For me and Cody, we’re trying to figure out which topics we can get away with responding “Whoaa” to, and which ones we need to be serious for (as-it should go without saying- a serious topic needs a serious listening ear).

Rather than bore you with which conversation topics those “Whoaa” responses are common for us as a couple (I suppose if you really want to know, you can just ask – I honestly don’t know if you’d be interested or not), I thought this Big Bang Theory clip was spot-on. Enjoy!

Year 2, Week 26: We’ll be home for Christmas

We’re officially half-way through our second year of marriage! This year, we figured out to see both families on the days where presence matters the most.

Christmas becomes more special every year. I realize more and more that what I have in my life cannot be taken for granted. I can be upset with circumstances and unhappy with people’s decisions, but ultimately I have a roof over my head, a warm place to dry my hat and gloves, and a heart that beats.

I am so aware of those people who are lonely, grieving, or sick at this time of the year. I’m also cognizant of those who have everything they’ve ever wanted and still don’t feel the joy of family and the warmth of a loving home. I recognize that what I’ve lived in the past 48 hours is nothing short of a Christmas miracle. It’s what I prayed for when Cody and I were long distance. It makes me want to slap 19 year-old Ania on the wrist and say, “See? We made it work. Now stop your sniffling.”

In my Polish family, Wigilia is celebrated every Christmas Eve, so it’s a given that I will spend every December 24th for the foreseeable future in Chicago. Cody, however, has Christmas Day traditions that I really do not want him (or me!) to miss. I usually flew down to Arkansas on Christmas morning, but Southwest Airlines didn’t offer a non-stop flight this year, and every other airline was making sure anyone who wanted to travel this Christmas wouldn’t have money left over for any presents.

At 1:30 a.m., right after Midnight Mass (during which I played and sang at church) we hopped in the car and made our way to central Arkansas. Cody and I switched as the drivers when one would get tired. He took the hard hours of 2 through 5am and then I took the early hours of the morning until the sun came up a little after 7. It was so cool to drive with no one on the road, embracing the “Silent Night, Holy Night” part of Christmas. The drive went by pretty quickly, and we spent the last couple hours talking about whatever we talked about.

I’m convinced that every couple needs to take a long(er) trip before they get married. If your silences aren’t (too) awkward and you find you’re not running out of things to talk about, the person next to you should stick around.

It has meant so much to me that we were able to spend both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with those we love the most. It is special and I almost feel spoiled for having the opportunity to experience the overwhelming love of two families that Cody and I get to call our own.

On the drive over, as I’m thinking all these things and singing out loud “I’ll be home for Christmas…” my heart just about burst when Cody patted my knee and smiled at me, saying, “I already am.”

Santa’s elves found their way to Arkansas, Rudolph’s red nose replaced by a bright red Toyota.

Year 2, Week 25.5: Work Ethic, for the Record.

While I was half-way through my evaluations of 100+ student writing assessments, I could feel his two blue eyes boring into mine. As if his beckoned mine to attention, I felt my eyebrows begin a dance of surprise, and then suspicion.

“What’s up?” I asked tentatively.
“Nothing. I’m just loving you.”

Who says that? And why does it make me so awkward? All the romance novels I’ve read get this all wrong. It’s like his marriage proposal all over again. When he didn’t laugh at my joke, I realized it was for real. Cue butterflies and sweaty palms.

“..Okayy.. That’s really sweet, but I’m not really doing anything worthy of such an outpouring at the moment.” (God’s grace, anyone? Receiving love when you feel you didn’t do anything to earn it?)

He just kept looking and smiling. He eventually walked away and I felt like I could breathe again. If I had only been drinking red wine at the time, maybe I would have been a bit more suave in my reception of his affection? I don’t want him to feel like it’s not appreciated and dissuade such a courtship.

And then this happened again the next day! But this time, as I was into my 17th essay of the day with bedtime approaching, he had something to say, which I can work with.

“You work really hard.”

It meant a lot to hear him say that. I had been grading so many essays in such a short amount of time, that to hear him acknowledge it seemed to give me even more energy to finish. With a grin, I agreed with him, and affirmed, “Yeah, we do work really hard. I don’t think we’d be together if we didn’t have the work ethic we do.” Future Cody and Ania, I hope you remember that praise goes way further than criticism, especially when babies come into the mix.

Real talk for a second though – I’m also secretly starting to get a little nervous. This whole work ethic/working a lot thing hasn’t just been going on in my own life – he has been getting interrupted sleep himself, having to check for code bugs at midnight.. 3am.. 5am.. It’s been cute to hear him figure out ways to stay in bed but also keep the bright light of broken code away from my sleeping eyes. I also know, however, that the boy is human and the boy needs sleep. SO between the two of us working longer hours than normal, this Christmas will be a very welcome break. This may sound facetious, but I do not want to feel like the computer, or work, or our individual pursuits, are coming between us. But this is what we do – we work our asses off in the winter, hustling among 6 different jobs (between the 2 of us) – so that we can buy plane tickets to explore the world. We climb the mountains with 60 lbs packs up the last 1,000 ft. so that we can enjoy the panoramas together. It’s exhausting, but ultimately worth it.

And, Jesus, it now occurs to me that if I replace “computer” with “future baby,” this sounds like a foreshadowing of what’s to come in a couple years. What’s an added 20 lbs of smiles and poop and cuddles? We can do that.

I want to finish with this.

Let the record state that, in this week of our marriage, Cody did say the following words:

“You know, it’s actually a good thing that I can still function and wake up at weird hours of the night. A baby will need that. I can be that.”

Yes, you surely can be, Cody, baby. 😉

Year 2, Week 24: Thanks, Daddy

This last weekend in Chicago ushered in our first snowfalls and the freezing temperatures. I had to work early on Sunday morning to play at Mass, so the snow was still freshly fallen on the relatively short distance (~2 blocks) between my parents’ house and the church. I was prepared to walk the way (nothing like shock to your lungs to wake someone up for singing). When I drove up to my parents’ house, Dad was already out shoveling the back walk-way. After some exchanged pleasantries, Dad casually asked if I was going to walk or drive to church; I didn’t really think anything of it when I told him I’d be walking. I went inside the house to wrap my fingers around a warm cup of tea. Even though I just left from my home, there’s nothing quite like coming home to Mom and Dad’s. I think even their lemons make the tea sweeter.

When I walked out of the house, Dad smiled and said, “Well, that’s the best I could do with my back.” When I looked, I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how amazing he was, but we’re European and have a hard time saying “I love you” so I just thanked him and told him I’d see him later.

The man had shoveled a straight path as far as the eye could see from our house to the church, so that my feet could have a clear way to Jesus.

And now tell me again that my expectations for my husband may be too high? It’s my dad who gave them to me. He has been my first (and, in many cases, only) example of what it means to be treated with dignity, respect, and worth – as if I’m worth a cleared path on a cold Sunday morning when he should definitely be sleeping in instead. But, thanks to my dad, I feel like I am.

So when Cody went outside to shovel without any prompting from me, I knew the adage is true – A girl finds a man who reminds her of her father. And what’s so exciting for me is that Cody only shows glimmers of what he could be – what I know he will be – and that’s pretty darn remarkable.

Year 2, Week 17: “How Many Kids Do We Have Again?”

Last Thursday we received text messages from some of the kiddos in our lives. One was from a sixth grader who’s just started playing basketball and was excited to invite us to a 7:45pm game the following Friday night, and the other text was sent by our sophomore Poms girl who wanted to know if I could come see her perform at the football half-time show a few hours earlier on the same day.

Of course I said yes. It didn’t matter that my free Friday night just turned into a definitely-not-free Friday night, or that I had told them I’d be there without consulting Cody (FYI the result would have been the same, it’s just respectful to ask whether he had any expectations for the weekend and compromise from there). When I told Cody that I’d be going to our sweet sophomore’s game and then we’d go to our niece’s game later, Cody just smiled and asked, “How many kids do we have again?”

“How many kids do we have again?”

It was a perfect response to something he could have rolled his eyes at, or begun complaining about (“But it’s a Friday night…”). Instead, he so perfectly summed up why it was important for us to go -of course we’d go show our support on a Friday night because we love the young people in our lives as closely as if they could be our own. It’s what we do.

The half-time show was awesome. The girls’ kick line was really impressive and our sweet sophomore’s smile was enough to warm my heart, even if my fingers were frosting over. When I met Cody at home a little while later, we were able to chit-chat about our work-day and then we left for our niece’s game.

A moment I especially love happened during the basketball game. There was a girl who didn’t look like your “typical” athlete on the opposing team (whatever the hell that even means) – and it was clear to us that she was new to the sport, but it was even clearer that she was super self-conscious. In the defense of her authenticity, you could also tell she tried not to let that tween awkwardness stop her, either. With the game tied at 11, we watched that same young girl score the penultimate point and witnessed the glow-up of the century: the big smile, the high-fives from her teammates, and the fact that, with only 2 minutes remaining in the game, she was leading her team to victory. It was quite a magical moment to see. Cody and I both grinned. With all the goodness behind his voice, he quietly said, “Good for her.” I affirmed, “That girl’s weekend is made.” It was a small moment in our witness, but it was a big one in this human being’s experience. The fact that Cody and I both reacted the same way to this girl’s success tells me all I didn’t realize I needed to feel – that, as future parents, we may not always say the same things, but we’re usually on the same wavelength.

Ultimately, however, in hindsight, what wasn’t said is more important than what was.

Here’s what he never said:
“Why did you bring me here?”
“How long is this going to be?”
“This is painful to watch.”
“She is painful to watch.”
“Poor girl.”

Instead, we focused on the positive. So they’re not that great yet? That’s okay. At least they have a reason to run back and forth. And, sometimes -stupendously- experience such empowering moments that even the sleepy adults in the stands notice. I’m just glad it was my husband who noticed right alongside with me. Pretty cool stuff.

Year 2, Week 13: A Prayer for Family

I have to give my hubby credit. When I request a book recommendation, he takes the request very seriously. I have to wonder what exactly he considers when he narrows down his choices for me but, this time, he sent the first of the Immortal Descendants series, April White’s Marking Time to my Kindle. The book is awesome. It makes me think and wonder and imagine – and I love stories that can do that.

But this week isn’t meant to be a book review; instead, I want to share an excerpt that stood out to me as I reflect on my family.

“Can I ask you something, Miss Simpson?”
“I’ll answer what I can.”
“Why are the Families at war?”
Miss Simpson busied herself pouring the tea. “That’s an enormous question with an even bigger answer, I’m sure you realize.”
“Actually, I didn’t realize. I thought it might be simple.”
She smiled wryly. “The enormity comes from the fact that each Family will give a different version of the truth. All will be true, but like any painting, until all the colors are applied to the canvas, you’ll never be able to see the whole picture.”
I nodded. “Got it.”

Conflict in family is so difficult to witness, not even considering the stress and tension that can overcome you if you yourself are in the throes of it. One day, you’re delicately overturning a shiny mosaic vase in your hands, proud of all the pieces and marveling how, although so differently crafted, all the segments just fit. The next day, however, someone accidentally bumps into the shaky mantle (because what family can claim they’re unshakeable, really?) and the once-shiny mosaic is dulled. A piece or two have fallen out – the crack is no longer unmistakeable and the observer finds himself insecurely asking, “How long has that fissure been there?” “Could we have prevented this?” And, perhaps most commonly wondered is “Why me?”

The rough part of conflict is that both sides are wondering “Why me?” while pointing fingers in opposite directions. Self-righteousness, stubbornness and pride tend to rule supreme for as long as someone keeps throwing flames into the fire.

The question that my own faith forces me to focus on, however, is “Where can the healing begin?” Really. How naive and stupid, right? Life doesn’t work that way, Ania. Get with the times.

And yet.

I’ve also studied human nature enough (Thanks, psychology and literature!) to know that preventative maintenance is a must. So here’s my prayer for my own family – the ones who are alive and the ones who are to join it.

Prayer for Healing in Family
In its best moments,
family is the reflection of Your Love, Lord.
In its most trying moments,
family is the opportunity to show Your Mercy.
Have mercy on your earthly family, Lord,
and remind us that we belong to each other.
Let there be healing where there are experiences of
miscommunication,
mistrust,
and inevitable mistakes.
Give us the courage to embrace each other
instead of allowing the poison of anger
to destroy the roots of prosperity and hope.
Soften hearts that have been hardened
and let them move with compassion.
May divisions be healed and new life bloom
so that we can be examples for others of Your good and gracious Love.

We ask this through Jesus Christ, Our Lord.

Amen.

"Individually unique, together complete!" — “Individually unique, together complete!”

Year 2, Week 11: The dreaded Second Year returns

It’s official: The second year of a relationship is always the hardest.

I remember watching my friends fall hard and fast for a guy, be on cloud nine for a year, and then call asking for advice when things all-of-a-sudden started getting rocky.

I told them that this is normal (they breathed a sigh of relief), but then share my theory that whether they can make it through the second year will determine whether they make it in the long run (even if it was only 3-5 years, that’s successful according to today’s standards).

The second year is when things start to get serious and questions are asked – the honeymoon period is ending and reality becomes a – well – reality.

You start wondering if this is the One. And when things start to become difficult (as they do, in “reality”), we automatically jump to our conclusion: “Well, if he/she was really meant for me, then I wouldn’t feel like this, would I?”

This is toxic thinking and it ends relationships, over and over again. Love is not a feeling; it is a choice. And sometimes the choice is sacrifice, and that’s why love hurts. But I’m getting off topic and that’s just my opinion.

So I guess it shouldn’t have come as that big of a surprise that, when I had the theme of this week’s reflection come to mind, it threw me for a loop.

Who knew we’d have to go through another “second year” in marriage?

The excitement of the engagement, the emotional and logistical preparations for our marriage, the gorgeous memories from our wedding day, the honeymoon, and the exciting transition into building a home and routine together have become cursive words in a diary and photos hanging in our home.

The second year has brought up all the stuff we thought we knew, but have kind of let sit beneath the surface all this time, which is a surprise because I thought we had gone through all that “stuff” before we got married. That was always the goal anyway. The second year has brought up all the little things that we have forgotten could be endearing (like Cody’s incessant snapping and clapping, which he swears is not an expression of anxiety and impatience) and difficult truths that run deeper than dust (like my tendency to, for whatever reason, assume the worst of intentions from the man I should trust the most).

The second year has brought up ideas of beginning a family, but not knowing “when” we’ll be ready (Ha! Is anyone ever really ready and prepared for parenthood?). It’s brought up core differences in our philosophies: he’s a planner and has no problem playing chess with circumstances and the wheel of fortune. I, on the other hand, have no problem giving Jesus the wheel and whispering in submission, “Thy Will Be Done”. You’d think these two seemingly opposing world views would doom the relationship – and maybe this really would be enough cause for a couple to sign divorce papers –

but we’re not those people.

Our long distance journey was the climbing of a mountain. It was long, arduous, seemingly never-ending, but there were those trips where we finally got to see each other that allowed us to breathe and admire the view of our efforts. When the road got hard again, we at least had the memories of the last rest-stop that kept one foot climbing in front of the other for the continuing journey, as painful as it would become.

I’d like to say that our long-distance love has prepared us for this very moment in our marriage (and yes, it really is only a moment in the scheme of time). I believe long distance living helped us develop a kind of grit that keeps us going.

Grit. According to Wikipedia, it is a positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual’s passion for a particular long-term goal or end state, coupled with a powerful motivation to achieve their respective objective.

So here’s a status report: We’re still on this beautiful mountain of ours, and the last couple years were admittedly gorgeous sights admired from a plateau. We had found really huge boulders to climb onto and just watch, hold hands, and “oo” and “ahh” at all the sights we got to see just because we made it so far.

But then it started to rain a little, as it does. We didn’t do anything wrong; in fact, if we want green pastures, we have to embrace the drizzle. The precipitation, however, has caused for some muddier trails and less clear paths. We’re still holding hands, but sometimes it feels like he has to go ahead of me and all that’s left to hold on to is his pinky finger. Other times, I want to take a different road than what he’s had planned in mind, and this causes a stand-in with frowns on our faces.

Until we can discuss a more strategic plan that compromises both our philosophies, we’ll just take baby steps. There may be shoes lost in the process, but his hand is more important to hold on to.

Gotta learn to dance in the rain, baby.

The rain didn't stop us from picture-posing in Colorado, so I don't see why it would stop us now. — The rain didn’t stop us from picture-posing in Colorado, so I don’t see why it would stop us now.