Year 5, Week 52: Selfish wife, unhappy life

There. I’ve said it.

This year of marriage has been the most difficult for me.

Did you see any WifeReflections?

Right.

See, I thought that “making it” to Year Five meant that we’d figured everything out and didn’t need to “protect the house” as much. I kept hearing about year 2 or 3 being so rough, but we enjoyed those so much (and I made sure we’d never be “those” couples, so… Our preventative maintenance wasn’t as strong as it used to be. We started to take each other for granted. I’d come home from work, find him in his office, so I’d go to mine, work on my novel, live in my own world, and then we’d maybe watch an episode of a show during dinner. He’d keep working, I’d go to bed, and in the morning, we’d do it all over again. We’re super independent people, so this set-up was preferable for achieving our goals. Totally not helpful when you’re in a relationship. Especially not helpful when you’re married. SUPER bad when you start feeling like your spouse is more of a decent roommate than your best friend.

It happened slowly. It happened when we had our guards down. When we started taking each other for granted.

And then we were in crisis mode. But we are, thank God, committed to working on it. To handling it. To prioritizing our partnership above all else. To pursue marriage counseling. To essentially unlearn all the bad habits we had picked up along the way, stripped down to the basics, and build again – relearning communication styles and what it means to be an empathetic listener and how to be able to be separate people while also allowing the space between us to be safe, sacred, and ours.

And that’s the key, I do believe, of what I’ve learned this last year of marriage.

Look at your partner like it’s the first day you’ve ever known them. They’ve never seen this day before – and neither have you. Give them the benefit of the doubt, over and over and over again. Put aside what you think you want and focus on what THEY might need to have their day a little smoother. Add currency into the emotional bank account. Learn your partner’s bids for connection. Practice empathetic listening. Most of all, never take for granted that your relationship will always be as “great” or “terrible” as it is now: if it’s not in a good spot, it CAN get better. If it’s in the best shape its in, keep working at it. It’s when one person stops pedaling, or the other gets distracted, that the bike can get off track.

And so today, on our sixth wedding anniversary, it feels important to thank Cody for being willing to work on this marriage with me, for his mercy when I fail to be the wife he deserves, and for making me laugh like no one ever has, day after day after day.

When Cody asked what I wanted for this anniversary, the answer was easy: You, Cody. I want you. Having you in my life is already more than enough. But also if you wouldn’t mind one day letting the cat on the bed so she can cuddle with me, that would also be fine.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Okay, bye, love you!

Year 4, Week 48: The Bookshelf

I get the affection for the single life: time and space for your own time and space… your own habits, your own choices. You don’t have to compromise with anybody, double-check plans, or keep yourself from watching a Netflix show because your partner isn’t home yet (ugh, so glad we’re over this now. Kind of).

But my appreciation keeps growing for this marriage thing. This time, it’s thanks to the black Ikea bookshelf. It’s been taken down and set back up eight times in Cody’s life, but four of those times, the shelves have held my books, too. In the home we just moved out of, the bookshelf was in the living room, telling people how much we loved reading and, also, the wall was the perfect size for this literary behemoth. The two bedroom apartment housed our master bedroom and Cody’s office/guest room. In our new home, we could have kept the bookshelf in the living room.

But this time…

This time, the bookshelf has been set up in my own little office. That’s right. We have three bedrooms now, and one of them is my own little room.

Can I just say much how I have missed that and not really realized that I did?

I LOVE having my piano, a desk (where I wrote the majority of my first manuscript btw. My mom asked me today why I didn’t just throw it away because it’s so old and I’m still too unpublished to tell her that, one day, this desk will be in a museum), and A FREAKING BOOKSHELF in MY OWN ROOM.

Cody walked in on me working earlier this afternoon with a knowing smile. He does that sometimes. When I asked him about it, he shrugged and said, “I just wanted to watch you in your little creative space. I knew you’d be in a happy place and I wanted to see it.

…But if you weren’t in a happy space, I would have just shut the door.”

Sometimes I wonder if he jumped out the pages of one of those shelved books.

In hindsight, of course I would love a room like this. I love me time to recharge and just be. And a place to create music? A space to write? A place to read? Why wasn’t this a thing earlier in my marriage?!

To which a small voice reminds me, “You needed time to qualify for a mortgage, remember?”

Anyway. Being able to capture what’s good about the single life in this little room for myself feels like a double-win. I can have my own space AND share the larger home that I absolutely adore sharing with my husband.

And the black bookshelf? It’s so much easier putting back together with someone else by your side.

I can’t wait to add more wall art, but for now, this view makes me really excited. The energy is flowing!

Year 4, Week 40: March of Friends

I adore words, but sometimes pictures speak louder. The pictures below do not include all the people we value in our lives. But I wanted to share these in particular because they all have something major in common: they visited us when they didn’t have to – from Florida, from north Chicago (which basically feels like its own state sometimes, let’s be honest), from Michigan, from St. Louis, and from Washington, D.C.

Here’s what’s cool: Frankie from Chicago (but now lives in Florida) is someone I met on the CTA and became a friend to “watch” Netflix comedy shows and eat ice cream with. He -and his black service doggo, Subaru -have become our good friends. When he called to set up a day to hang out, he told us, “People are telling me I’m crazy for coming to cold Chicago during spring break, but I tell them I really miss my friends.”

AW.

Frankie is a guy I like to say I “picked up” on the train after getting mad that no one offered their seat during rush hour. I love how honest and open he is with his life despite becoming blind at 21.

Jess and Mary are friends I met through work, English and Math teachers respectively. The fact that they wanted to venture to the west suburbs on a Saturday morning to have brunch and see the results of our rehab means more than I ever expected it to, mostly because I don’t expect people to show up. When they do though, I’m seriously flattered.

Jessica and Mary are such fun people to be around. They “get” it and use class and their smarts to make the world a way better place both, especially with their students. When they came to the new neighborhood for brunch and later expressed desire to see the new house, I was seriously so glad that they were there with me to celebrate the most recent renovations!

Shawn R is Cody’s best friend from high school. When we met Julianna, we knew they were a perfect match – and now they have adorable little girls! We love hanging out with them. We laugh and laugh and laugh. They didn’t have to stop by on their way home from Arkansas back to Michigan, but they did and we’re so grateful. The ice cream stop was so great.

The R family is so special to us. Shawn and Julianna are from Cody’s home state of Arkansas, but they currently live in Michigan, building their own log cabin BY THEMSELVES. Their girls are growing up so well and we are so grateful they stopped by to see us on their way home from Arkansas.

I met Jessica through my workout program, The Ladies Edge. About six months after I joined, I remembered that Jess and her family live in St. Louis, so we’ve stopped by on our way down to Arkansas to visit Cody’s family. They are so much fun and great people to talk to and learn from. We’re lucky that Brandon and Cody get along so well.. gives us a reason to keep getting together. When they stayed with us during their trip to Chicago, I didn’t realize we’d enter the next stage: making fun of Ania and get away with it. Not everyone gets there. Congratulations, guys.

The H family is so awesome. You can’t tell, but they’re the proud parents of four beautiful and smart kids and, though they live in St. Louis, we feel like they’re never really that far away — which is kind of crazy, because I met Jess through the online workout community I’ve been part of the last year, The Ladies Edge. ‘Hi, I’m Ania, and I meet awesome people online.’ Go figure 😀

Maria Elena is a friend from studying abroad SIX years ago! My favorite words from Cody that weekend were “Have a fun girls’ night! Enjoy!” After a delicious Spanish tapas meal, we ended up at a bar hosting a 70s theme dance party. Had we realized where we’d end up, we may have left our leather jackets at home. Oops. Regardless, the fact that she still wants to make time to hang out after all these years is awesome. It’s time for us to plan a trip out to visit her soon!

How special is it that I get to see this pretty lady just about every year since we studied abroad together in Spain in 2013? There’s something so cool about reuniting with someone who shares so many amazing memories with you when yall were 21. I know I’m only 27 and still very much “young”, but going out with Maria Elena makes me feel like I’m 21 again.

I guess the point of this reflection is simply to recognize the people who don’t just say they appreciate our company.. they show up – when they don’t have to! Again, this isn’t nearly all of the people who we love and show love in return.. it’s just that all of these friends visited in the span of a month and it became very obvious that we’ve built some pretty incredible friendships. May it only continue!

Year 4, Week 33: Big-Girl Pants

Cody left for a business trip three weeks ago. He was gone two weeks—the longest stint of time we’ve spent apart since I studied abroad in Spain. In 2013.

Before that, the longest stint away was when we were long distance for 2.5 years, for 3-4 months at a time.

This reflection is not about how badly it sucked that my husband was gone. This reflection is about how much I had to learn and, subsequently, grow because I didn’t have Cody to hide behind. …That’s the part that kind of sucked. A little.

Before he left, we had spent a great weekend together, happy reflecting on our last year: I’ve jumped into a sustainable fitness lifestyle, we bought a rental property, are happy with our jobs, and though the construction on our most recently acquired building is going slower than we would have liked, life is calm. Under control. We expressed gratitude over this.

The first week without Cody was fine — fun, even. It reminded me of when he left last year for a little while. I spent a few days (and nights) at my parents’ house because the extreme Polar Vortex temps closed school and, frankly, if I had the choice between being cold and alone or cold with family, I will choose the latter every time.

Hanging out with my dad was one of the best ways to “be cool” with Cody being gone. It was really sweet to feel Mom and Dad welcome me home with the most open arms, warmest mugs of tea, and most crisp wine after a home-cooked meal.

The temperatures were thawing by Thursday, and I was looking forward to a weekend full of friends: I knew I’d be missing Cody something fierce if I didn’t schedule some time with those who know me best.

Things didn’t go according to plan.

Friday night: ~~sleepover with Bailey, an 18-year old firecracker of spunk, pizzazz, and golden goodness.~~ Go to the house on Marengo (what we call the new house that we might get to move into in 2029 if the weather finally cooperates). Check the house for burst pipes and potential water damage.

Saturday: Mom’s birthday! I’m gonna ~~spoil her with a facial, brunch, and a couple hours at the casino.~~ meet the plumber. Go out for breakfast with a dear friend who has experience with life and can remind you it’ll be okay. Leave before food comes to let plumber into unit that actually has the problem. Come back to restaurant and most patient friend ever. Try not to cry over the fact that THE ONE ROOM IN THE NEW UNIT THAT WASN’T GONNA HAVE A HOLE NOW HAS A HOLE IN IT. Fall in love with new neighborhood all over again. Go to niece’s gymnastics meet and celebrate Mom’s birthday with family in the evening.

Sunday: Go to church; sing with Dad. Take older niece with me to Marengo to measure tenant’s shower stall; go to Menard’s, Home Depot, Marengo, Menard’s… And then two hours after scheduled, Superbowl fun with Bailey’s family (because they get life and, with them as friends, life is never nearly as bad as people suggest it is)

Monday: ~~tea with Ana after school and then an evening for my writing.~~ A really nice glass of wine with Ana, then delicious dinner when her husband came home after work. Quick trip to Menard’s, my new second home, and then home for bed time.

What the hell am I going to do when a pipe breaks? Recite a Shakespearean sonnet? I have zero practical skills in the trades.

Plans changed. I was 2.5 steps away from a panic attack. Cody is the one who shows up when things go wrong: I’m usually the one who just hands him a cup of tea at the end of the day with a pat on the back.

When things started breaking and I was the only one who could show up, I had to show up.

Cody was such a great team player when we were apart. He was in constant contact with the tenants and the plumber. I really just had to be the feet on the ground. Though it was inconvenient for a few days, I am so grateful I had Cody there — even if this time, I was walking beside him, and not hiding behind him.

I’m a natural planner, so when plans change and things are seemingly out of control, I rely heavily on the people in my village, earnest prayers from inside my car, and hope that this too shall soon pass. And let’s be clear: what happened wasn’t necessarily hard, it was just so unfamiliar. It was a learning curve; adulting, if you will.

What I am most proud of is that, when things started looking unfamiliar and scary, I didn’t just roll up into a ball and hide. I did the things that needed to be done. I learned stuff. And, though I couldn’t get one-on-one time with Bailey on Friday night, I still made sure I saw her on Sunday. I did not cancel plans with friends or family. I held onto the commitments I made to the people in my life.

Pipes will break and it’s easy to fix, but it’s not as easy to mend a broken relationship. I’m so glad that we were able to work it out, Chicago and California style. Though I may have asked Cody how I let him “get me into this real estate thing?” It was worth the rent check when I left the tenant’s unit on Sunday. Like, oh. He’s trying to protect our -my- financial future.

He’s a hell of a provider. And this time, I had the opportunity to learn how to provide for myself, too.

Year 3, Week 10: Is This Allowed?

It’s been a while. I’ve been reflecting; I just haven’t been sharing. It didn’t feel right. There were too many tragedies; too many people who weren’t joyous. When one tries to be compassionate – like I try to be, though Lord knows I oftentimes fail -, one’s own joy doesn’t matter so much as living through another’s sadness with them. It didn’t feel right to share my joy. But it feels okay now.

Because I’ve been thinking of writing this post for so long, I’ll write it as though it just happened, in Week 10 of Year 3.

My first thought was, “Is this allowed?”
He laughed and said, “Of course it is.”
“But I thought you were going to postpone the camping trip because I can’t extend the Labor Day Weekend like you’re planning to. I’d be looked down upon by the other teachers.”
He shook his head, lifted an eyebrow in a “Really?” look and I knew the answer.

Of course it was allowed. I had gone to Montana, twice, in the past two years, for three times longer than he’d be gone. He was allowed to go camping with his best friend for a weekend.

I’d be fine. I skipped my “single 20s” phase, after all, so this might be fun.

Why Every Wife Needs To Have a Weekend To Herself Every Now and Then
(or: Why you should let your husband go on this trip and how it’s really a gift.)

Order all the pizza. For yourself.
Why, yes, I did want all those carbs to myself, thank you.

2. One extra ticket to a baseball game? I have no reason to feel guilty about leaving him behind? Awesome! Yes, I’ll go!

3. Go out with friends! Dance!
4. Revel in the security of your love. Relish how it feels not to worry about whether he’s cheating on you, lying to you, or wishing he could have more bachelor weekends like this one. Love how much you can trust him, and how much you trust that he’ll come back to you even more into you than before.

I feel so sad for those who believe marriage is restrictive and destroys one’s independence. Though sometimes I do wonder if I made the ‘limited’ choice by marrying so soon, I am officially subscribed to the idea that, if married to the right person, nothing can be further from the truth. My husband helps me feel more free and allowed to take more risks because I know someone will be there to help me heal any wounds and set any broken ego bones at the end of a hard day. Even when he’s far away, his love literally wraps me up and lifts me high so that I am unstoppable.

I wish everyone could have this kind of love. It really is miraculous.

Year 3, Week 2: Why Did I Even Ask?

It’s been seven years since my first visit to central Arkansas, my husband’s hometown, where my in-laws and their families still reside. It was a magical time the first time I came. I remember the freedom that came from eating with my fingers instead of with silverware at the table, four-wheeling on my in-laws land, and going tubing on Lake Ouachita. Since then, I’ve met family that has become my own, and even brought guests all the way from Poland when we celebrated our I Do BBQ two years ago.

You’d think visiting Arkansas would lose its magic after a few trips every year for so many years, but it hasn’t. As we grow, so do our problems, and so to have a place in which to escape is such a blessing. There, we can watch movie after movie with zero judgment, lay poolside for hours without interruption, make last-minute plans or plan for minutes that last. Most importantly, though, our Arkansas home allows us time for reflection, dreaming, growing, and loving.

Slowly but surely, I have taken the reigns on my own Arkansas experience. Because we drive south in my little Toyota, Cody can work remotely while I go explore. This last trip has the greatest evidence of my independence and ‘ownership’ of my Arkansas roots, but there’s also a bit of vulnerability that I’m still investigating.

This time, we invited a family friend to accompany us, so I was no longer the tourist but the tour guide. It was so awesome to see Bailey experience so much of what I have had the chance to. It was pretty wild to consider that, at her 16 years of age, I was only a couple years older when I began my scrapbooks of pictures and memories from the Natural State.

The Main Event

My favorite moment, though, is when Cody was done with work for the day and Bailey and I had just finished eating after a long day of touring a little bit of Hot Springs. I have a stellar poet-friend, Kai Coggin, who was led into my life unexpectedly and I expect her to stay there, a fellow moral compass for us who are ever-wandering. She hosted one of many creative writing events and invited us to join. I was so excited at the prospect of finally attending. Let’s just say I knew I was going to go – I just needed a clear conscience.

I wasn’t going to leave without knowing Cody was okay with it.

Let’s be clear: My desire for verification has nothing to do with my confidence or freedom as a marriage woman. It’s not because my husband has a strong-held lock and key around me. He’s not the keeper of the car keys. Shoot, he probably didn’t even really have plans for the rest of the day (it’s Arkansas, remember? It’s awesome because there aren’t any plans). But it was really important for me to know how he was feeling.

Why Did I Even Ask?

This is one of those times where sacrifice in marriage is apparent in a very simple way: my happiness is second to that of my partner’s and I choose for it to be that way because I know he feels the same way. If I put myself in his shoes and I’m about to act in a way I wouldn’t want him to act towards/around me, then I reconsider what I’m about to do. It’s the Golden Rule: Marriage Edition. If he acts in the same manner, then doesn’t the end result mean both parties are satisfied?

I asked how he’d feel if I went to Hot Springs again after being gone all day. He’d been working while I was having fun, and I know he has more fun with me, so I didn’t want to strip him of that opportunity. Ultimately, I knew he’d be fine, and he knew we’d be fine independently, but I needed to hear it. It’s not enough to assume, remember?

It turns out he was just fine with it – and I came back a really, really, really happy human.

Eight years after my first shy visit and five years after my inaugural Hillbilly Triathlon (maybe more on that another day), I was in my element. In my husband’s hometown, I acted as tour guide, enjoyed myself immensely in the spots that have become my favorites, and found myself a community of writers I truly admire.

It’s safe to say I can’t wait to go back.