Long-Distance

Year 3, Week 19: New Routines & Routine Affection

Cody was offered an amazing job located in Palo Alto, California, with the promise that he can work remotely and (with some conditions, of course) travel/live abroad. I am so excited for this change, mostly because he had started falling prey to “living half asleep” (see Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom)- coming home visibly uneasy and agitated, trying to find other things to keep him enthused, or simply subscribing to the idea that this was how life needed to be right now.

But I knew better. And, at the end of the day, so did he.

I will not allow Cody to be bogged down by the sadness of the world – how else will he help keep my own positivity afloat? Less self-servingly, though, I believe in my husband’s intelligence and zest for life too much to watch him surrender that joy to earn money that we can’t take with us when we go anyway (here he’ll argue that he’s creating a legacy for our family, blahblahblah. It’s not wrong; I’m just different).

I promised to love him in good times and bad – but I’m also allowed to show him when he’s in a bad time and help love him out of it.

Cody spent the last two weeks in California for his orientation. Thankfully, we’ve had practice in the Ways of Long-Distance Relationships.

For those who aren’t familiar, here are
The Basics of Long-Distance Relationships
– Send a morning email to wish him well. Did you forget? Look at that, he owns a computer, too. With 2 hours difference between y’all, he picked up the slack.
– Continue on with your day. Get it, gurl.
– Ya gotta schedule a mid-day call. Check in. Say “hello,” “I love you,” and “Keep gettin’ ’em, tiger.”
– Live your independent daydreams. You’ll have more to talk about if you’re each doing your own thing(s) to the best of your abilit(ies).
– Good night video chat. Laugh, blow kisses, and fall asleep feeling loved.

Incredibly, it worked out that both of our best friends (ie our Maid of Honor and Best Man) were in San Francisco as well! I booked incredibly priced plane tickets and join them out there. It was perfect. When I was in San Francisco, I loved that he was more affectionate than ever. Or maybe I was just noticing it more.

And now, with him back home, I can’t stop appreciating the small gestures: a grazed neck with gentle fingertips here, a bear hug from behind there, and hugs that last as long as it takes.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I don’t think it’s a miracle that our relationship feels stronger than before – we put in the work while we were apart. It’s hard to fall apart when you keep showing up.

And I suppose that’s Marriage 101. Build a routine and have routine affection.

Year 2, Week 26: We’ll be home for Christmas

We’re officially half-way through our second year of marriage! This year, we figured out to see both families on the days where presence matters the most.

Christmas becomes more special every year. I realize more and more that what I have in my life cannot be taken for granted. I can be upset with circumstances and unhappy with people’s decisions, but ultimately I have a roof over my head, a warm place to dry my hat and gloves, and a heart that beats.

I am so aware of those people who are lonely, grieving, or sick at this time of the year. I’m also cognizant of those who have everything they’ve ever wanted and still don’t feel the joy of family and the warmth of a loving home. I recognize that what I’ve lived in the past 48 hours is nothing short of a Christmas miracle. It’s what I prayed for when Cody and I were long distance. It makes me want to slap 19 year-old Ania on the wrist and say, “See? We made it work. Now stop your sniffling.”

In my Polish family, Wigilia is celebrated every Christmas Eve, so it’s a given that I will spend every December 24th for the foreseeable future in Chicago. Cody, however, has Christmas Day traditions that I really do not want him (or me!) to miss. I usually flew down to Arkansas on Christmas morning, but Southwest Airlines didn’t offer a non-stop flight this year, and every other airline was making sure anyone who wanted to travel this Christmas wouldn’t have money left over for any presents.

At 1:30 a.m., right after Midnight Mass (during which I played and sang at church) we hopped in the car and made our way to central Arkansas. Cody and I switched as the drivers when one would get tired. He took the hard hours of 2 through 5am and then I took the early hours of the morning until the sun came up a little after 7. It was so cool to drive with no one on the road, embracing the “Silent Night, Holy Night” part of Christmas. The drive went by pretty quickly, and we spent the last couple hours talking about whatever we talked about.

I’m convinced that every couple needs to take a long(er) trip before they get married. If your silences aren’t (too) awkward and you find you’re not running out of things to talk about, the person next to you should stick around.

It has meant so much to me that we were able to spend both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with those we love the most. It is special and I almost feel spoiled for having the opportunity to experience the overwhelming love of two families that Cody and I get to call our own.

On the drive over, as I’m thinking all these things and singing out loud “I’ll be home for Christmas…” my heart just about burst when Cody patted my knee and smiled at me, saying, “I already am.”

Santa’s elves found their way to Arkansas, Rudolph’s red nose replaced by a bright red Toyota.

Year 2, Week 21: Don’t Stop Asking Questions

I heard so many great things about last week’s post, written by the husband himself. We so appreciate the kind comments, and I know Cody was especially buoyed by the encouraging words. In fact, I heard so many awesome things about Wife Reflections that I think we’ll just keep this gravy train flowing for as long as we can.

This means that, even when I’m a mom, I’ll be trying to reflect as a wife raising a child, and not just become all-consumed with a singular role. We’ll see how that goes. Is it even possible? Only time will tell. P.S. I’m not pregnant, but see how the topic keeps coming up? Hard to ignore.

Switching gears to this week’s reflection… It occurs to me that, when Cod and I were first getting to know each other, 21 questions was all the rage. So there’s this questionnaire thing floating around on Facebook that I thought would actually be kind of fun to do with Cody. Apparently he’s supposed to just answer the question without any forethought.

At first, the answers are shallow and uncomfortable, but slowly pick up speed. It’s cool to see myself from my husband’s perspective sometimes. It’s also revealing to see how much he’s still unsure of, even after all this time.

It’s a great reminder to never ever ever stop asking questions.

What is something I always say? “Oh uhm”
What makes me happy? Cats
What makes me sad? Feeling like I have the Case of the “Shoulds”
How tall am I? 5′ 10″/10.5:
What’s my favorite thing to do? Nap
What do I do when you’re not around? How would I know? Play on Facebook? Write? Play piano. You teach students to play piano when I’m not around normally.
If I become famous, what will it be for? Uh, pia–ehh.. Hm.. I bet if you became famous, it would be something you’re doing in the classroom. Somehow getting picked up by a media outlet. It would either be previous students like talking about how you teach differently or maybe you start teaching other teachers. I think it’d be more through education because you touch more lives through education than you do writing or piano right now.
What makes you proud of me? There’s so much that makes me proud of you. I was proud watching you sing [the national anthems]. That’s my beautiful wife. I bragged how cool it was to watch you go through the process of writing on a consistent basis and how amusing it was to see you exclaim how surprised you were that your characters were doing something you didn’t expect, even though you are the one writing it. The fact that I can visualize your characters as if I’m actually reading the book.. I’m supremely impressed.
What is my favorite food? Cheesecake
What is my favorite restaurant? Any with lights and good-smelling soap in the bathroom.
Where is my favorite place to visit? That’s a hard one for us. I don’t think Hawaii was your favorite place. I don’t think Costa Rica was either. Was Greece? You never seem as excited about Greece when I talk about it. Places you’ve been without me? Or maybe it just seems you’re more excited because I’m sad I wasn’t there with you. You say the mountains. You’re always saying the mountains. I don’t know if I believe you. But if I had to answer, I’d say the mountains, because that’s what you say.
If I could go anywhere, where would it be? Heaven.
You get a phone call that I am in trouble, who am I with? If you were realistically going to get into trouble with the law, supposedly, I mean like, the obvious go-to is either Vanessa or Kristen. One-on-one, you’re fine. But in big groups, you get antic-cky. You want to show off. So I think back to the time when you were out with Halyna, Stacie, Emily, Ashli, and Angela.
How do I annoy you? Ugh, let me count the ways. …I don’t want to answer this question. Why hurt feelings needlessly right now?
Who is my favorite actor? All I can think is Magic Mike.
Who is my celebrity crush? See above.

Year 2, Week 11: The dreaded Second Year returns

It’s official: The second year of a relationship is always the hardest.

I remember watching my friends fall hard and fast for a guy, be on cloud nine for a year, and then call asking for advice when things all-of-a-sudden started getting rocky.

I told them that this is normal (they breathed a sigh of relief), but then share my theory that whether they can make it through the second year will determine whether they make it in the long run (even if it was only 3-5 years, that’s successful according to today’s standards).

The second year is when things start to get serious and questions are asked – the honeymoon period is ending and reality becomes a – well – reality.

You start wondering if this is the One. And when things start to become difficult (as they do, in “reality”), we automatically jump to our conclusion: “Well, if he/she was really meant for me, then I wouldn’t feel like this, would I?”

This is toxic thinking and it ends relationships, over and over again. Love is not a feeling; it is a choice. And sometimes the choice is sacrifice, and that’s why love hurts. But I’m getting off topic and that’s just my opinion.

So I guess it shouldn’t have come as that big of a surprise that, when I had the theme of this week’s reflection come to mind, it threw me for a loop.

Who knew we’d have to go through another “second year” in marriage?

The excitement of the engagement, the emotional and logistical preparations for our marriage, the gorgeous memories from our wedding day, the honeymoon, and the exciting transition into building a home and routine together have become cursive words in a diary and photos hanging in our home.

The second year has brought up all the stuff we thought we knew, but have kind of let sit beneath the surface all this time, which is a surprise because I thought we had gone through all that “stuff” before we got married. That was always the goal anyway. The second year has brought up all the little things that we have forgotten could be endearing (like Cody’s incessant snapping and clapping, which he swears is not an expression of anxiety and impatience) and difficult truths that run deeper than dust (like my tendency to, for whatever reason, assume the worst of intentions from the man I should trust the most).

The second year has brought up ideas of beginning a family, but not knowing “when” we’ll be ready (Ha! Is anyone ever really ready and prepared for parenthood?). It’s brought up core differences in our philosophies: he’s a planner and has no problem playing chess with circumstances and the wheel of fortune. I, on the other hand, have no problem giving Jesus the wheel and whispering in submission, “Thy Will Be Done”. You’d think these two seemingly opposing world views would doom the relationship – and maybe this really would be enough cause for a couple to sign divorce papers –

but we’re not those people.

Our long distance journey was the climbing of a mountain. It was long, arduous, seemingly never-ending, but there were those trips where we finally got to see each other that allowed us to breathe and admire the view of our efforts. When the road got hard again, we at least had the memories of the last rest-stop that kept one foot climbing in front of the other for the continuing journey, as painful as it would become.

I’d like to say that our long-distance love has prepared us for this very moment in our marriage (and yes, it really is only a moment in the scheme of time). I believe long distance living helped us develop a kind of grit that keeps us going.

Grit. According to Wikipedia, it is a positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual’s passion for a particular long-term goal or end state, coupled with a powerful motivation to achieve their respective objective.

So here’s a status report: We’re still on this beautiful mountain of ours, and the last couple years were admittedly gorgeous sights admired from a plateau. We had found really huge boulders to climb onto and just watch, hold hands, and “oo” and “ahh” at all the sights we got to see just because we made it so far.

But then it started to rain a little, as it does. We didn’t do anything wrong; in fact, if we want green pastures, we have to embrace the drizzle. The precipitation, however, has caused for some muddier trails and less clear paths. We’re still holding hands, but sometimes it feels like he has to go ahead of me and all that’s left to hold on to is his pinky finger. Other times, I want to take a different road than what he’s had planned in mind, and this causes a stand-in with frowns on our faces.

Until we can discuss a more strategic plan that compromises both our philosophies, we’ll just take baby steps. There may be shoes lost in the process, but his hand is more important to hold on to.

Gotta learn to dance in the rain, baby.

The rain didn't stop us from picture-posing in Colorado, so I don't see why it would stop us now. — The rain didn’t stop us from picture-posing in Colorado, so I don’t see why it would stop us now.

Year 2, Week 7: Long distance… again?

This found poem, created by Austin Kleon, was my gift to Cody in honor of our first wedding anniversary. It’s nothing too fancy: a piece of paper housed in a simple black frame. This poem best describes my perception of marriage as a safety from never having to do long distance ever again (if you’re in the same bathroom, you’re not exactly counting down the days until the next time you get see each other!). In fact, one of my favorite things ever about marriage is the sense of security I feel when I realize my best friend won’t leave my side – he promised that much. And the man keeps his promises.

So what is this feeling I get when Cody walks in the house after a long day at work and, with a grin, tells me about his plan to apply for an opportunity that gets his blood flowing in all the right places? He can work for his current company and learn something new somewhere else.

Yes! Go for it, baby! I have no doubt they’ll see your value and accept you right on the spot. You’ve been waiting a while to have this feeling pulling you towards something so strongly. Embrace it.

Where are they located again? I asked. Sorry, I may have missed it when you said it earlier.

…Mexico?

Hm. Well.
I support you, no matter what. You know that.

But isn’t marriage not leaving?
I guess 2 months isn’t that long; military couples are apart for way longer. This could be so good for him!
I’ll be fine; I’ve been finding ways to entertain myself since 1992.

But I thought this long distance thing was done.
But I did get to travel in Spain for a month and then go to Montana on my own, too… He should have the same freedom!

Will we be apart for Thanksgiving? Or his birthday? Or my birthday?
Grr.
Obviously I need to let him go and be 150% supportive,
but it’s hard being supportive.

I thought marriage meant not leaving.
But two individuals following their passions is more important than two individuals squandering their desires simply to be standing in the same bathroom at the same time, flossing miserably.

I suppose he can watch me brush my teeth via Skype. It’s not like we haven’t done it before.

Year 2, Week 3: Meeting in the Middle

Little did I realize that, when I successfully resolved one long-distance relationship by helping Cody move to Chicago from Philadelphia, I was actually adding an entire community of long-distance relationships to my life.

Since Cody’s family lives in Arkansas, we’re essentially in a long distance relationship with my in-laws and, although some women are muttering “Be thankful for the distance!” I can’t even say I’m grateful for that. I adore my in-laws and see them as an integral part of my own family. It really stinks that we can’t just come over on a Sunday afternoon, have some delicious food, play some board games with our grandparents, swim in their big, beautiful pool, and drive back refreshed, re-energized, and ready for the new week ahead. Instead, I’m perpetually on the look-out for at-least five day weekends so that if we decide to make the ~14 hour drive, we can at least spend a solid three days there.

I'd start walking your way/ You'd start walking mine/ We'd meet in the middle.../ We'd gain a lot of ground/ 'Cause we'd both give a little/ There ain't no road too long/ When we meet in the middle" — “I’d start walking your way/
You’d start walking mine/
We’d meet in the middle…/
We’d gain a lot of ground/
‘Cause we’d both give a little/
There ain’t no road too long/
When we meet in the middle” – “Meet in the Middle” by Diamond Rio

I’m embarrassed to admit how long it took me to realize that there is an alternative. I remember when I was wedding planning one day and realized that we did not need to plan for “only-Arkansas” trips anymore… we could meet in the middle! I immediately called Cody’s mom and asked her what she thought of meeting half-way between our cities of residence. It would mean six hour drives, but six hours is preferable to fourteen – right? Thankfully, she agreed, and we had our first “Meet in the Middle” trip in St. Louis a few months ago. We had our second trip this last weekend, in Cape Girardeau!

This was the song Cody and I would listen to while we were long-distance, dreaming about the day we’d be able to enjoy the fact that we’re close enough to easily walk to each other.

It was wonderful to spend time with the set of parents we don’t get to see as often, and I have to admit that even when we left on Sunday after a full day and half together (you take what you can get when you’re long-distance, no matter what), I still felt pretty sad. Even though we’ve tried out this half-way way of doing things, we’re still not able to have the experiences spent with Cody’s more extended family, especially his grandparents. We really miss them!

So as much as we love the shorter commute time, I think it’s time to just “bite the bullet” as they say and take the longer drive to see our Nana, Pa, PawPaw and MawMaw.

Like Tim McGraw says in his song Humble and Kind, “Visit grandpa every chance that you get – it won’t be wasted time.”