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Year 4: The Ladies Edge

When I don’t feel like it or don’t think I have the energy, I’m going to do the damn thing. Because I can either be okay with the hard choice of disappointing myself, or I can be okay with the hard choice of showing up and doing it anyway. It’s up to me. But I can’t dare complain later when I didn’t show up before. After all, isn’t that what marriage is like some days?

Last year around April, I was invited by one of my good friends Katie to try out The Ladies Edge – a workout program that I was so grateful she found following the tragic death of Brad, her best friend and soon-to-be fiance. I saw how much it was an anchor for her: a place to release the grief and anger and find community and endorphins that would pick her up and carry her on. Though I found different reasons to join, I reap benefits that I had never expected to receive.

Why am I going to talk about a workout program on this WifeReflections blog?

How could I not?

Exercise is obviously good for me, personally, but whoa has it amped up the married life.

I am confident in my skin (yay fitting into clothes better), which lends itself to other activities that make for a happy wife. I’m also pretty sure that Cody finds it attractive that I can be physically stronger than expected with these lanky arms (especially when we were moving all those heavy boxes!).

TLDR?
The program works for me and my marriage. Cody even breaks a sweat with me and has admitted it’s a solid program. I have zero intention of stopping and my body is thanking me for it. It has taught me to make time for myself, my marriage, and my health. All three of these things are necessary for me to feel joy on a daily basis. To NOT make them a priority would be a grave mistake.

We were staying in a shepherd’s hut in Lasswade, Scotland. The wi-fi was strong enough, we had our resistance bands and workout clothes and got it done. We’re not saying y’all are losers with our L hands – it’s just the way we show that we completed the “live” workout the coach posts every Saturday morning.

Want more details? Want to join me, like I took Katie up on her invitation? Read on.

As a teacher and general person trying to succeed, it was stupid hard for me to find a consistent workout routine. I tried Couch to 5k (which was AWESOME and helped me run my first and favorite: Gaza 5k), but it was still basically winter and conditions were not conducive to running without my ears feeling like they were on fire from the bitter wind. Ah, Chicago.

Katie told me about The Ladies Edge (TLE). I tried it, and I fell in love. I’m part of the program more than a year later; in fact, I paid for Lifer status, which basically means I no longer pay monthly. I’m in it for as long as the program will exist because I believe in the mission and the coach. A year later, I’m still working out consistently, still getting sore, and still reaping the benefits of moving my body in ways that surprise even me.

Here are some of the main reasons I’m in this thing for life and why I think I’m one of the hundreds of women who are able to stick with it:

The workouts are only 23 minutes long, 6 days a week. I just cannot make an excuse for not including ONLY 23 minutes of HIIT-like exercise into my daily routine. Although the workout itself does not necessarily “fit” into the recommended 30-minutes/5 days a week suggestion by the American Heart Association, the way I see it, 23 minutes + the time it takes me to go to the copy machine twice a day from my third floor classroom + walking to the train + walking around the classroom = heart healthy. It’s also not beyond me to start holding a plank while students are working on the assigned activity.
The community of women is unlike anything I’ve ever been a part of. I went an all-girls high school, so I know the power when women decide we want to change something, or celebrate something, or fight against something. I also know how disruptive it can be when a group of girls decides to bash the mission without having a reasonable conversation first. There will always be women who don’t feel like they belong and, as a result, disrupt the peace already present.

What I love about TLE is that Michelle Bishop, the coach and founder of TLE, is very adamant about “protecting the house.” There is a zero-tolerance policy of bullying, shaming, or other negative-Nancy decisions.

It’s quite amazing what happens in the Facebook group when women know that their best is expected: no pity parties, no complaining, no bashing another woman for her life’s choices. When something terrible happens, we post about it, but it’s for support – not because we can’t handle it, but because we know we can handle it better with our tribe behind us.
We have women and men from all walks of life — young moms, “Golden Bishes” in their 60s, college kids, supportive husbands, engaged and married women, women who have heartbreakingly buried their babies, men who are secure enough in themselves to take the program and the empowerment of women seriously… I could go on. I am so grateful that there are women who have been pregnant and post-partum in the group, because when it’s my turn, I know I have solid women to turn to if I have questions or if I’m scared or if… the list goes on. The only rule? Hold others accountable and they’ll make sure you’re posting your sweaty selfie, too. It’s incredible what happens when you don’t show up for a few days. Somebody notices!!
I feel better. I have freedom from guilt. Cheat meals don’t exist for me because there’s not a moment I need to “sneak” a cookie or hide a caramel macchiato. I seek balance. I have the cookie, but I also make sure I’m giving my body the fuel it needs to be energized and strong and ready for the next workout. I can do these workouts at any time, but it’s suggested I do one a day. Monday: chest, Tuesday: back, Wednesday: shoulders, Thursday: arms, Friday: legs, Saturday: live (all-body). Waking up at 5:15am every school day was admittedly hard sometimes, but since I met on a Zoom conference link with women across the country getting up as well, it made it much easier!
Perhaps the biggest change I’ve noticed in myself isn’t necessarily the physical: it’s the mental grit. I already had it, but it’s different now. It’s more fine-tuned. I’m gonna write this damn novel because I’m going to keep showing up, just like I do for my workouts. I‘m going to be a damn good teacher because I can do these pushups, so I can plan these wicked awesome lessons. I’m going be a giving wife even when I’m tired because I know it’s worth it.

When I don’t feel like it or don’t think I have the energy, I’m going to do the damn thing. Because I can either be okay with the hard choice of disappointing myself, or I can be okay with the hard choice of showing up and doing it anyway. It’s up to me. But I can’t dare complain later when I didn’t show up before. After all, isn’t that what marriage is like some days?

If you’re still here and would like to try The Ladies Edge FOR FREE, click here. The price of $27/month will go away on June 8, 2019. Get it now!

Year 4, Week 19: Building Our Village

Cody and I have always had a running joke that, thanks to me, he has friends – I text, call, and generally have an easier time keeping in touch with people Cody admires but doesn’t necessarily reach out to all the time.

I’m happy to report, however, that it’s actually thanks to Cody that we have some of the best people in our closest circle. I wouldn’t be friends with Stacie and Halyna if Cody hadn’t clicked so well with their respective spouses, Matt and Josh, at work.

Since a company Christmas party and many celebrations thereafter, Cody and I have loved getting to know these couples, cultivating strong, fair-and-notfair-weather friendships with them. We’ve spent so many birthdays together now that I’ve lost track. We play board games, eat amazing food, and laugh so much together. We talk about important things and ideas, usually staying away from conversations about people (unless those people have done noteworthy things with their lives, then we break it down and learn from their example). We value the intricacies and quirks of each member and frequently express gratitude that we’re in each other’s lives. Most importantly, each couple boasts tenants of incredibly strong relationship: Matt and Stacie challenge each other to be better, always. Among so many others things, they take care of each other so well. Josh and Halyna are the epitome of adventurers and explorers, always choosing one another to be each other’s partner, but never excluding others from the experience as well. They lean on each other, but never doubt each other’s strength.

We’re lucky that they are in our village.

And I am so grateful that we had an evening together this Saturday. Stacie decorated her home with such love and care, setting up the ambiance in a way that made me feel comfort and warmth the moment we stepped in from the cold, rainy day. Sleeping bags and blankets and pillows were set up in front of the TV. So many pretty tea lights. Snacks. Josh and Halyna had already arrived, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget Josh yelling, “Frriieends!”

How could you not feel welcomed with a greeting like that?

How can you tell these boys are both software engineers? Hint: Plaid.

The point is, it took time to build these friendships, but it’s not a surprise to me that we can claim them as our friends. It took life experiences that tested whether we would show up when the going got tough, or whether we’d bail. It means something when Cody and I are the couple that lives farther away (i.e. more inconvenient to get to in Chicago traffic), but our friends still travel to come see us and vice versa.

Most importantly, the fact that they have such healthy marriages is a mirror to us about the wellness of our own.

In the context of my marriage and the friendships I share with my husband, we are building a village for our future family.

<Hm.> I’ve never said that before: in the friendships I share with my husband. People aren’t just “my” friends anymore. They have to be cool with the both of us to be my friend. Otherwise, how can it be a true friendship? </Hm.>

We are establishing a community that my future children won’t be able to imagine living without. It’s a blessing we don’t take for granted – but just like a solid marriage, it took time to get here. What’s exciting is that we have met so many other people who aren’t described here, but are just as important to us. I just happen to have this freshest on my mind right now 🙂

If you don’t have these “couple friends” just yet, don’t fret. You should be as “picky” as you are with your actual spouse. They will shape you, mold you, and reflect your truest self right back at you, loving you through it all.

P.S. Thanks to Halyna and Stacie for encouraging me to keep writing, even if it’s not for my novel right now.

Year 3, Week 23: Rules From My Mother-In-Law

I distinctly remember the weeks leading up to 2013. I was second-guessing everything, especially my choice to be in such a serious relationship when I just 20 years old. As it goes with thinking the grass is greener on the other side, I believed that people my age were living it up, right in their refusal to be ‘tied down’, dedicating themselves instead to their ‘selfish’ years, while I was – on the other hand – making myself exclusive with a guy I’d known since high school. How could I possibly know that this relationship was the right one if I had barely experienced a relationship with anyone else? Right?

I have wonderful sisters-in-law who waded through the murky waters with me and asked the ultimate question: Can you see yourself with anyone else?

A week later, Cody asked me on the way to our New Year’s Eve celebration: Do you want to start this year single? What? That was an option? His question honestly scared the living daylights out of me and was enough to answer with an adamant No!

I know it was so tough for him to ask. It was a gamble, since I was clearly not totally ‘in’ but wondering if I should be. The thought of losing him felt like immediate suffocation. At almost-26, I want to roll my eyes, but I really can’t make it any less dramatic; I was 20. It was dramatic.

But there was a huge factor that kept me with Cody when just about everything else was pulling me out of the relationship: his parents. My future in-laws. I know it’s so different than the ‘typical’ woman’s experience, so if you don’t have a solid relationship with your in-laws, I hope you don’t take this as salt in the wound. I know I’m lucky. But I also think it’s not impossible to recreate in someone else’s life, either. While I wondered if I’d ever have anyone else remotely close to Cody, I also knew I’d never find another family quite as wonderful as his.

Even though I only had two decades behind me, I had heard the horror stories of in-laws who have made it difficult to function in a partnership, who weren’t supportive, who didn’t know how to keep their noses out, who wanted to sabotage the success of the relationship for one reason or another.

My in-laws, however, are the opposite. They call us out when we’re being unfair or dramatic, or they subtly suggest an alternate viewpoint. My favorite? One, or both, will throw out a joke to ease any tension.

I’ll never forget when I was becoming jealous over Cody’s ex-girlfriend one day and his dad, a man of few words, simply stated, “You’re going to have to accept that he has a past, just like he’ll have to accept yours. He’s here with you now, isn’t he?” And that was it. It was short, to the point, and the truth. I knew then that, if I were to marry Cody, my future father-in-law had our best interest at heart.

My mother-in-law, affectionately referred to as Momma Ray, is more involved – but in the best ways possible.

A few weeks ago, Cody called and told me that his mom would be staying with us for the week. Whenever I told my colleagues that morning, they tentatively waited for my reaction: was I happy about this? Was I going to be distracted all day, thinking of what I needed to put on display before my mother-in-law came to town? I quickly dispelled any concerns with a quick, “No, no! It’s okay! I love her!”

A week had passed, and new tensions still hadn’t arisen. There was no reason to complain – at all. And, honestly, it was so nice to see my husband so happy, knowing that he had to be loved if his Southern mother was choosing to spend a week in cold Chicago.

I know it is a bizarre phenomenon. It’s not expected. And I swear to the highest heavens that I’m not ‘killing with kindness’ or faking affinity for my mother-in-law.

The night before she was going to go back home, I asked Momma Ray why she thought we had such a solid relationship, after almost seven years of being in each other’s lives, totally breaking the usual stereotype. She thought about it for a little while and then share three main guidelines she follows.

Momma Ray’s Guidelines to Being a Mother-In-Law:

Don’t assume the worst. This is such a graceful act and one I appreciate so much. This means that even if I had done, or said something, that didn’t initially vibe with this woman, she gave me another chance to redeem myself. I’ve heard her muse that people could be having a rough day, or under a lot of pressure, and they may react uncharacteristically. She gives people so many chances. I’m relieved; when I’m a new mother and making decisions that she might not agree with, I know she’ll be patient with us – and not automatically assume that we’re the worst parents that ever tread the earth. My mother-in-law and I get along so well probably because we both give everyone the benefit of the doubt – maybe almost to a fault. But I think we’d both rather be this way, than the alternative.

Be realistic. As in, every new relationship will have bumps, so don’t assume your kid is always right. I’m so glad Momma brought this up, because it’s so true. I felt welcome from the very first visit to Cody’s hometown. When Cody said something incriminating (in jest, of course), I waited. I wanted to slap him, but didn’t want to make a scene. On the same beat, Momma Ray lifted an eyebrow, turned to me and said, “Want me to get him, baby?” I knew I was safe, then. I could share my own reactions and not worry that Momma would jump to Cody’s rescue (even though he was the one making trouble). Even though Cody has an amazing relationship with his mom, she’s never become a wedge in our relationship. She is able to separate her son-the baby and her son-the partner. Because she lovingly corrects her son, it in a way reminds me to be the best partner I can be, too.. not to avoid any confrontation, but because we’re free to make mistakes, but we’re expected to fix it, too.

Don’t take sides. I didn’t have to be married to Cody yet to feel like Momma was the advocate of our relationship, not just the advocate of her son. In fact, by the time we had said “I Do” I already felt like I was one of Momma’s own. She said herself, “Once y’all married you both became my kids equally and I wouldn’t take sides with my natural kids.”

I wish everyone had a woman like Darla to call ‘mother-in-law.’ She and my own mom share so many of the same values, like hard work, and grit, and grace. They lay down their own wants and desires for the good of the family and are most joyful when the people she loves are happy, healthy, and taken care of. Any less, and I swear she can’t relax.

What do I do to nurture and maintain such a good relationship with my mother-in-law? Well, I suppose that’s for another reflection.

Because they’re so awesome, we decided to give them a little gift 🙂

Year 2, Week 27: I found It

I love seeing love celebrated, especially when it’s so present among relationships right in front of you. Cody and I brought in the new year in such a special way, witnessing our best friends vow their lives to each other (as if they had not already spent the previous 10 years of their relationship doing so, but the title does, at the end of the day, make a difference.)

As the bride’s sister said so eloquently during her Maid of Honor speech last night, the couple, Josh and Halyna, are so inspiring because they always look like they’re having the time of their lives – it’s the love between them and the love they share with those around them that makes life an adventure worth embarking on. And they’re some of the best c0-captains I’ve ever seen.

I spent some of the day trying to remember what details and memories I remembered from our wedding day, but I quickly found that, apart from hearing the song I walked down the aisle to, there really were not many times that I was crying tears of joy because of my own wedding day memories – they were all spent in witness of these two human beings, who have been nothing but kind and full of love and laughter towards us since we began spending time with them.

What really touched my heart was what I noticed when I finally took a break from the dance floor.

There was an upbeat song playing, my husband was being entertaining and goofy (EASILY the most comfortable I have EVER seen him in a social setting, EVER), and I was lounging on one of the couches, sipping cool water, observing the couples in front of me.

What I have is not as rare and unattainable as I would have thought.

First, I appreciated the fashion sense of those in attendance; people clean up so well when they want to show A New Year how they want to be treated (with style, elegance, and lots of fun). Next, I lifted my glass to the DJ, a master at seamless transitions and the one responsible for my burning legs and dirty bare feet. He didn’t seem to notice, but I didn’t mind. Finally, my eyes opened to the spectacle before me. [Pardon me for being ambiguous, but it was one of those moments that, if you’re not looking for It (whatever It is), you will totally miss It.] Luckily, I didn’t miss anything. My eyes drank it all in – the women in love with their partners, hair flying around, saucers that have no intention of landing, a radius of rhythm and simultaneous grace, and the men, who jumped around their dates, doing any silly/crazy/goofy move that would make her laugh even harder. I couldn’t help but giggle at all of the antics. It felt like I was cheating, getting a sneak peek into many strong relationships at once. The connections were so palpable and strong.

The majority of the dancing couples are married. But it was one of the most significant times of my marriage that I realized that what I have is not as rare and unattainable as I would have thought. Cody and I were one of the youngest couples there, to be sure, but the quality of our relationship seems to be on par with those who have been together for many years longer. What I absolutely adored was that each and every couple (easily 7 or 8, from my vantage point) looked like they were having the time of their lives. It’s like Josh and Halyna, throughout their relationship, have been finding couples that reflect not only who they are as a couple, but who they want to be, too. It was a humbling experience to be one of those couples. Again – it can never be taken for granted, for it can be gone in the next heart beat. Live through a relationship like that, and you’ll be certain not to hold a grudge for too long. But I digress.

I was validated in all this sentimentality when the groom’s super sweet Midwestern Mom asked me if I noticed something about the couples in the room. I nodded, with a huge smile on my face, and I affirmed, “Yeah, the connections are so strong, and real, aren’t they?” Her eyes just sparkled (Moms are so beautiful when the love they have for their families is so sacrificial and strong and true, aren’t they?). She smiled back and said, “Yes, there was a lot of love in this room. It was something really special.”

To be in the midst of that love -and enjoy such a part in that celebration – is a true blessing to me, and Cody, as we ring in this new year. I’m not sure what it holds for us, but I do know I will continue to be as recklessly hopeful and annoyingly optimistic as I am now. It occurs to me that the joy that is meant to be in the world cannot be felt if we are not open to it. So like I said to another amazing friend who asked me last night how I could be so optimistic, “You have to choose to be grateful. And always keep perspective. That’s what Cody is here for. He keeps showing me what didn’t go wrong.”

May we embrace this new year with eyes wide open, so that we can clearly, wholly, and with all ridiculously optimistic faith, find our It.