Category: Guest Post

Year 2, Week 36: Preparing for Marriage with Wife Reflections – A Testimonial

I’m surprised this hasn’t come up earlier:

I went to an all-girls high school.
At this school, we were asked to reflect on just about everything.
There was a perpetual joke that we reflect on our reflections.
So it’s not a surprise I have written reflections on my marriage since its inception.

At this “the un-reflected life is not worth living” educational institution, I met a few of the most inspiring women of my life. When I heard from one of those friends that Wife Reflections has been instrumental in helping her prepare for her own marriage, I was rightfully humbled. Me? But I barely know enough myself. That’s why I’m reflecting on it, right?

After I groaned, “I don’t know what to write about this week!” (This usually indicates that there’s plenty to share but I’m hesitant about sharing it with the masses right now.), Abby offered to write a little something. I gave Abby a true Peace-inspired reflection activity: You suggested that Wife Reflections is kind of like “soul food” for you and your future marriage. Please reflect on this.

This is what I am honored to share. Maybe you, dear reader, can relate. Here’s Abby!

“Change, we don’t like it, we fear it.
But we can’t stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
It hurts to grow, anyone who tells you it doesn’t is lying.
But sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, oh sometimes change is good.
Sometimes change is EVERYTHING.”

I feel that amongst even the most self-professed of thrill-seekers and daredevils, there is always a moment (or two) of fear. That fear is what gets your adrenaline pumping after all—the magical hormone that gives you that high that makes the experience so jubilant, memorable and enjoyable. To be the kind of person that grows from that fear, who embraces it knowing that the end result will provide a kind of joy they wouldn’t otherwise know – that is why we make such jumps.

And this is the kind of fleeting but constant, minimal but pervasive fear I’ve felt since exclaiming, “Of course I will!” to my fiancé as he knelt before me 9 months ago. About three and a half months away from our big day, I’m continuing to learn about myself, about him, about our relationship, and about this fear. And amazingly but unsurprisingly, Wife Reflections has been an integral part of our many conversations.

See, I am, as Ania would describe, a fearlessly ambitious person. I run into things head on, plowing ahead to get through to my goal. Much of that is motivation and dedication, but some of it too is that, through keeping busy, I don’t have to give much thought to feelings of uneasiness or fear. A requirement of focus and time to the details of achieving my goal leaves me little time to think about the forthcoming change or fear of the unknown. Fortunately, this system has worked to my advantage quite a bit; but when it came to the idea of my marriage -the lifelong relationship I was building- this was obviously not an option.

Having been separated from formal religion from some time, living 1,000 miles away from most family and friends and being smack in the middle of a rigorous master’s program in nursing, I have reached out for emotional and life support wherever and whenever I can. I have often sought advice from my wonderful mom, from many friends, from literature, news, and other corners of the Internet. When Ania first started this blog after her wedding almost TWO years ago, I was thrilled to be able to share in some moments of her newlywed life. I’ve known Ania and Cody for many years now, and it was such an exciting time in their life.

In typical cliché fashion, I couldn’t have imagined how the reflections and hard work of my soul sister would guide me through these times.

Despite the constant onslaught of how an engagement should go, what makes a successful marriage, and who needs to be invited to the wedding, this blog has always shown the whole picture to me:

  • The daily ups and downs
  • the serious and conscious effort that is love and marriage
  • the exciting and boring times
  • how each moment can be important and impactful.

Also, as karma and luck would have it, often times when a significant or difficult conversation or argument has arisen between my fiancé and I, that week’s Wife Reflection has amazingly answered a question I didn’t know I’d asked, or provided the reassurance that a particular personality kink didn’t mean my relationship would soon be doomed.

Wife Reflections has prompted conversations between my partner and I, filling in the gaps when we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to say it. Other weeks, it provides food-for-thought—ideas about marriage that I hadn’t previously considered.

Through it all, when I have been tempted to charge ahead and through the minutiae of wedding planning, the reflections have been a reminder that

  • the wedding is a fun party, but the marriage is the most exciting part
  • having a partner is comforting and familiar, but should also be challenging and non-complacent
  • unlike the romanticized shows and movies, being in love is a choice, each and every day, to dedicate yourself to another person. To fight for what you want in your relationship.

So maybe you’re wondering what any or all of this has to do with fear? For me, fear of the unknown of married life had the potential to cripple me – to make me run far away, thinking that knowing what to expect would be more comfortable than heading toward that unknown.

But acknowledging this fear, accepting the fear, sitting in the fear, and allowing the conversation, fueled by the insights of my wonderful friend who has walked before me into marriage, I am moving away from the paralyzing side of fear to the adrenaline side to feel that excitement, and to let that bit of fear be the provider of hopes and dreams… to be motivated by the fear, to fight like hell through the hard stuff to reap the high of love.

Abby looking beautiful at the bridal shower celebrated in her honor!

Guest Post: Ms. Sherry’s 2nd Year and Giving it Your All

My marriage would simply not be how it is if I hadn’t experienced and observed the fruits of loving marriages around me. I feel as if I could go on and on about which couples have affected me the most but, instead, I’ll choose one that has deeply affected my own psyche and approach to marriage.

Ms. Sherry works at my alma mater, an all-girls high school that guides teenage girls towards the empowerment of themselves through education while becoming compassionate leaders who speak the truth and build diverse community. A natural bi-product of this “become independent” “you don’t need no man” mentality unfortunately collided with my own desires to be in a co-dependent relationship one day. In fact, I seemed to take the warnings of “you’d be just fine if you were alone” to the opposite side of the spectrum that led me to believe that, besides the fear of failure, I was terribly afraid of losing my significant other one day. 

I didn’t realize that it was this fear that kept a wall around my heart (ugh, cliches) for most of my relationship with Cody. You may wonder what exactly this means. Here’s an easy example that’s found its way into our marriage despite my “opening up”:

If Cody said ANYTHING that seemed to, in any way, threaten my independence, a fight would ensue (C: “Hey, let’s talk about a budget.” A: “NO. IT’S MY MONEY! My sophomore biology teacher warned us never to rely financially on a man!” C: “But it’s our budget with our money.” A: “No! IT’S MY hard-earned MONEY.” And so it would continue until I realized my ideals do not have to fight with his/our ideas of teamwork.) P.S. Now I know that as long as my own spending is in the budget we created together, he’s actually not preventing me from doing anything. Turns out fear makes us act weird. Go figure.

So I reasoned that, if I didn’t allow him to totally infiltrate my life, then if he were to someday “leave” (that’s what we call dying, because I trust that he wouldn’t just “leave” the relationship), I would still be able to function. I would be fine. My counselor told me so!

I wasn’t sure just how to reconcile the constant fear of dooming thoughts: “What if things are going so well now because he won’t be here tomorrow? Or after the birth of our first child, what if something horrible happens?” The thoughts wouldn’t go away – and it kept Cody a little farther away than I think I realized at the time.

And then, one day, I received the sad news that Ms. Sherry’s husband had “left.” She and her family (who are very close) were understandably devastated and they honored me with the request to play the piano and sing at his funeral. I saw past teachers, friends, and a familiar piano. I played my heart out and fought back the tears. This is my worst fear happening right in front of me, I thought. How in the world is a wife whose best friend just died, able to move on? 

I was surprised by the immediate reaction to my own thoughts: “Of course she will move on just fine. She’s Ms. Sherry. She is kind, loving, and warm to everyone she meets. She will miss him – A LOT – but he did not make her her. She was already wonderful. He just helped bring that wonder out in her. She’ll just keep loving. It will hurt, but she will be okay.” 

My confidence in Ms. Sherry’s character was enough to help convince me that allowing my future husband completely into my life is not just a choice – it is a necessity. How else can we be a complete team if I keep preparing for the day when he can’t show up to a game? To be a real team, we have to truly be together, from day one. 

A few months later, as our wedding date was quickly approaching I made the necessary choice to try and knock down all the “I need to be as independent as possible just in case he leaves” walls that had been built. It was incredible how many there were (and how many we’re still trying to break down). Years and years of “Don’t let them get too close. You’re a strong woman, you don’t need anybody!” were piled up on each other.

It was scary, it left me vulnerable,but it opened me up to pure magic that I simply would not have had access to if I hadn’t scooped Cody up, dropped him where even I don’t want to go, and said, “HERE. All of it. Take it. I trust you. You’ll only make me better.” Then I paused and said, “And when you do ‘leave’ one day…”

“…You’ll be okay,” Cody responded with a smile.

Because she has deeply affected my own life, I asked Ms. Sherry to find a picture from her second year of marriage and write her own reflection. I’m so honored to share it here: 

“Our 2nd year continued our love affair that lasted our entire marriage. Best friends, sweethearts, soul mates until the very end. The arrival of our first son 20 months after being married brought us closer than I thought possible. When/if you have been blessed to find the person of your dreams, hold on to them with every ounce of your heart and soul, even through the trying times. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 80/80. You both have to give a little more.”

A memory from Sherry's second year of marriage.
A memory from Sherry’s second year of marriage.

Thank you, Ms. Webb!