I distinctly remember the weeks leading up to 2013. I was second-guessing everything, especially my choice to be in such a serious relationship when I just 20 years old. As it goes with thinking the grass is greener on the other side, I believed that people my age were living it up, right in their refusal to be ‘tied down’, dedicating themselves instead to their ‘selfish’ years, while I was – on the other hand – making myself exclusive with a guy I’d known since high school. How could I possibly know that this relationship was the right one if I had barely experienced a relationship with anyone else? Right?
I have wonderful sisters-in-law who waded through the murky waters with me and asked the ultimate question: Can you see yourself with anyone else?
A week later, Cody asked me on the way to our New Year’s Eve celebration: Do you want to start this year single? What? That was an option? His question honestly scared the living daylights out of me and was enough to answer with an adamant No!
I know it was so tough for him to ask. It was a gamble, since I was clearly not totally ‘in’ but wondering if I should be. The thought of losing him felt like immediate suffocation. At almost-26, I want to roll my eyes, but I really can’t make it any less dramatic; I was 20. It was dramatic.
But there was a huge factor that kept me with Cody when just about everything else was pulling me out of the relationship: his parents. My future in-laws. I know it’s so different than the ‘typical’ woman’s experience, so if you don’t have a solid relationship with your in-laws, I hope you don’t take this as salt in the wound. I know I’m lucky. But I also think it’s not impossible to recreate in someone else’s life, either. While I wondered if I’d ever have anyone else remotely close to Cody, I also knew I’d never find another family quite as wonderful as his.
Even though I only had two decades behind me, I had heard the horror stories of in-laws who have made it difficult to function in a partnership, who weren’t supportive, who didn’t know how to keep their noses out, who wanted to sabotage the success of the relationship for one reason or another.
My in-laws, however, are the opposite. They call us out when we’re being unfair or dramatic, or they subtly suggest an alternate viewpoint. My favorite? One, or both, will throw out a joke to ease any tension.
I’ll never forget when I was becoming jealous over Cody’s ex-girlfriend one day and his dad, a man of few words, simply stated, “You’re going to have to accept that he has a past, just like he’ll have to accept yours. He’s here with you now, isn’t he?” And that was it. It was short, to the point, and the truth. I knew then that, if I were to marry Cody, my future father-in-law had our best interest at heart.
My mother-in-law, affectionately referred to as Momma Ray, is more involved – but in the best ways possible.
A few weeks ago, Cody called and told me that his mom would be staying with us for the week. Whenever I told my colleagues that morning, they tentatively waited for my reaction: was I happy about this? Was I going to be distracted all day, thinking of what I needed to put on display before my mother-in-law came to town? I quickly dispelled any concerns with a quick, “No, no! It’s okay! I love her!”
A week had passed, and new tensions still hadn’t arisen. There was no reason to complain – at all. And, honestly, it was so nice to see my husband so happy, knowing that he had to be loved if his Southern mother was choosing to spend a week in cold Chicago.
I know it is a bizarre phenomenon. It’s not expected. And I swear to the highest heavens that I’m not ‘killing with kindness’ or faking affinity for my mother-in-law.
The night before she was going to go back home, I asked Momma Ray why she thought we had such a solid relationship, after almost seven years of being in each other’s lives, totally breaking the usual stereotype. She thought about it for a little while and then share three main guidelines she follows.
Momma Ray’s Guidelines to Being a Mother-In-Law:
Don’t assume the worst. This is such a graceful act and one I appreciate so much. This means that even if I had done, or said something, that didn’t initially vibe with this woman, she gave me another chance to redeem myself. I’ve heard her muse that people could be having a rough day, or under a lot of pressure, and they may react uncharacteristically. She gives people so many chances. I’m relieved; when I’m a new mother and making decisions that she might not agree with, I know she’ll be patient with us – and not automatically assume that we’re the worst parents that ever tread the earth. My mother-in-law and I get along so well probably because we both give everyone the benefit of the doubt – maybe almost to a fault. But I think we’d both rather be this way, than the alternative.
Be realistic. As in, every new relationship will have bumps, so don’t assume your kid is always right. I’m so glad Momma brought this up, because it’s so true. I felt welcome from the very first visit to Cody’s hometown. When Cody said something incriminating (in jest, of course), I waited. I wanted to slap him, but didn’t want to make a scene. On the same beat, Momma Ray lifted an eyebrow, turned to me and said, “Want me to get him, baby?” I knew I was safe, then. I could share my own reactions and not worry that Momma would jump to Cody’s rescue (even though he was the one making trouble). Even though Cody has an amazing relationship with his mom, she’s never become a wedge in our relationship. She is able to separate her son-the baby and her son-the partner. Because she lovingly corrects her son, it in a way reminds me to be the best partner I can be, too.. not to avoid any confrontation, but because we’re free to make mistakes, but we’re expected to fix it, too.
Don’t take sides. I didn’t have to be married to Cody yet to feel like Momma was the advocate of our relationship, not just the advocate of her son. In fact, by the time we had said “I Do” I already felt like I was one of Momma’s own. She said herself, “Once y’all married you both became my kids equally and I wouldn’t take sides with my natural kids.”
I wish everyone had a woman like Darla to call ‘mother-in-law.’ She and my own mom share so many of the same values, like hard work, and grit, and grace. They lay down their own wants and desires for the good of the family and are most joyful when the people she loves are happy, healthy, and taken care of. Any less, and I swear she can’t relax.
What do I do to nurture and maintain such a good relationship with my mother-in-law? Well, I suppose that’s for another reflection.
Because they’re so awesome, we decided to give them a little gift 🙂