Cody and I were traveling to work this Monday morning and customarily asked each other what the upcoming week’s responsibilities looked like: what evenings were going to be dedicated to other obligations, and which hours would we spend together. It’s a nice way to set expectations so that we aren’t sad when Life “gets in the way.” We use Google calendar as our family planning tool. It’s wonderful.
As I was scrolling through traffic, Cody was swiping through our calendar(s) and said he’d be traveling to a meeting on Tuesday night and wouldn’t be home ’til late. I very casually affirmed, “No big deal. I have piano lessons until the early evening, and then I’ll just edit my book.”
And what happened next surprised me big time. There was no reason for the fear that gripped me, or the anxiety that ran through my body – but out of NO WHERE the thought “What if he’s cheating on me?” entered my mind.
You know the narrative – the husband “works late” but is really with The Other Woman and his wife is waiting for him at home, a warm meal prepared that’s going to get cold real quick, just like their relationship did a while back.
I need to reiterate that there was NO reason for this fear to exist. He hadn’t suggested anything, we hadn’t watched any shows or movies that showed infidelity… It was the same kind of surprise I encountered when my beautifully growing tulips were covered by snow yesterday.
It’s funny how quickly you can grow something – a true blue relationship -, just to have it destroyed in a few hours time.
When things go, or feel wrong, I’ve been trying lately to accept my feelings and “honor” them (whatever that really means) and then let them go. It’s kind of like I just let the snow keep covering the spring flowers. I imagine the worst case scenarios since I forget that there could ever be good again.
- What if he cheats on me?
- What if he is cheating on me? He is on that computer an awful lot, and we did meet online.
- What if I’m so blind one day that I miss all the red flags and warning signs and become the woman at home who just cooked a great meal and her husband won’t be home til late?
- How vast would this heart break be.
I realized that the last thought wasn’t a question.
It wasn’t until later that evening that I shared these fears with Cody. He just hugged me from behind and said, “From someone who’s been cheated on and mistreated, you don’t have to worry.” (He even sang the song a little :).
It did make me feel better. The Google calendar and open communication throughout the day doesn’t hurt, either; it helps me feel validated, secure, and thought of. It’s insane how much that fear of losing him to infidelity drove my desire to love and appreciate him even more.
Sometimes the snow -the doubt, the fear, the insecurity- has to cover the flowers -the relationship and your perceptions of it- to inspire greater appreciation and trust. Constant fear should be examined, certainly, but in my case, this circumstance does not warrant greater reflection.
So no, I’m not actually worried that Cody will cheat on me, but boy did the fear of it make me appreciate that I don’t have to worry at all.
Update: Turns out the snow didn’t destroy the flowers. In fact, it looks like the the melted water helped make them taller. Maybe, every once in a while, we need to imagine something we love will disappear one day, in order to nurture what we already have.