Since my NaNoWriMo project is almost half-way over, I’m busy writing to reach my goal of writing a 50,000 word novel in November. So it’s time for another #HusbandReflection. Here’s Cody!
I’ve been at my “new” job for a little over a year, and I recently proposed a somewhat radical new business idea to our partners. While we’re going through the exploratory phase for this idea, I’ve entered another time of career uncertainty and am super appreciative of the stability of the home life that Ania and I create together.
From early on in our relationship, we realized that we both value stability. After a series of rollercoaster relationships, I’d learned that I much a prefer a steady high to an exhilarating path of high-highs and low-lows. Stability is all-the-more important because we each push a little harder in our careers than is normally expected, taking a bit more risk in exchange for more genuine and—hopefully—more rewarding careers.
But how did we get here?
As many of you know, we were long-distance for the first two years of our relationship. This meant movie nights where we were screen-sharing, random emails in the mornings, and a whole lot of Skype time where we’d each be working on our own thing but leave Skype running so we felt like we were in the same room. While most people assume this to be a hard way to begin a new relationship, I think it is really the perfect setup for developing a super strong, healthy, stable relationship.
When you’re long distance, you want to spend time together, but you want the other to have a “local” life too, so you encourage them to go out with friends, go have new experiences, and continue growing independently. In turn, they encourage you to do the same. By thinking of it as growth rather than change, we sidestepped the fear of waking up one day and lamenting, “I don’t know what happened, he just changed.” One of our most regular conversations was (and still is) a check-in: As an individual, where are you right now, and where are you thinking of going? Questions like this help us make sure we are consciously growing together, not apart.
If you’re not growing together, you’re growing apart.
Most couples who have been married for a long time will tell you that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Without it, you’re just going through the motions and your relationship is over before you even know it. When your significant other is hundreds of miles away, though, it’s much more obvious when you stop communicating, so you have a more visible early warning sign than other couples. This is certainly a plus for long distance relationships. But in between the moments of quiet togetherness and the times of deep reflection, there lies a vast amount of time that only creativity can fill. This is the story of Shebear.
At the time, I was working to renovate an old house into a sustainable living laboratory for Drexel Smart House. So I spent hours upon hours studying for the LEED exam, with Ania keeping me company via Skype. Come the day of the exam, she wanted to be prepared for either outcome-to celebrate with me or to console me. Off I went to the testing center, and when I returned she had a cute stuffed bear with a little bowtie waiting for me. Ania couldn’t give me a hug, but those chubby plush furry little arms could. (Thankfully it was a congratulations hug!)
It wasn’t long before we bestowed a Biblical name on the little one-Shebear. And not longer after that she found a voice of her own. I honestly can’t remember the exact moment, but it was likely when Ania was sad or I was in trouble or we were both really sleepy. From the moment Shebear first started “talking” she’s been a constant companion; she helps make sure that bedtime is the best time; she helps tear down walls when one of us is stubborn, sad, or upset; she gives voice to subjects that we may not want to discuss as ourselves; and she’s a constant source of play in our relationship.
So how does Shebear reflect the stability in our relationship?
Yesterday we had a small get-together for my 29th birthday party. Toward the end as everyone was grabbing their coats from our room, a group of 6-7 of my guy friends spotted Shebear, as well as our lion, Poncey, and our dragon, Gato, on our bed. Ania and I are comfortable enough with ourselves and stable enough with each other that the three little ones gladly introduced themselves to my guy friends. That’s not something you see at most 29 year old guys’ birthday parties.
What we’ve learned over the years of growing together is that the better we can each be independently, the better we can be together. It’s a supportive cycle. If you’re always leaning on each other, when one moves just a little you could both fall. The only way for you to stay steady as a couple is if you’re stable on your own first. So always encourage each other to grow. And don’t look for your other half, look for someone who can bring out the whole you: the inner child that’s been too shy to come out and play, the young kid who used to dream so big, the person you were before all the scars and walls and responsibilities of adult-hood turned you into something else entirely.
Don’t look for someone to complete you, look for someone who brings out the whole you.