Our dining room table is like everyone else’s – well, anyone else who’s cool with the overall living process and recognizes that random stuff finds its way on the table-top every now and then.
We were able to visit our Arkansas family a week ago for a whirlwind weekend and had a really amazing time reconnecting with everyone we don’t get to see as often as we’d like. We left on a Friday, drove for 11.5 hours, stayed Saturday, Sunday, and were back on our way Monday. No worries – it was definitely worth the drive, and I’d do it again in a heart beat.
But that’s not what this week’s reflection is about.
I particularly remember the sweet silence of entering our Chicago home and reminiscing. And then I remember the surprise – Cody brought up all the stuff on our dining room table (we just kind of threw the stuff down… it was bed time!), and I assumed he was about to complain about the mess we already made. But he didn’t. He said, “Did you see our table? It has all the stuff we love on it. Your manuscript and a pen for editing, my moleskine notebook with work notes I was jotting down, some nice China plates for when we hosted dinner last weekend, the books we’re reading, a picture of Mary and Jesus saying ‘God Bless Our Home’.” He could have kept going, but he didn’t have to.
We took with us – and brought back – our basics: artifacts that represented our love for words, ideas, and people. That means we are becoming the people we imagined we could be, together.
It’s just a snapshot of daily life, but it’s a picture of a life we’re building together. And that’s pretty special.
Cody could have complained – he had every right to.
I left my leftover lunch in the Tupperware.
In my lunch bag.
For three days.
Yuck.
Background: My mom would often clean up after me because she’s a saint and I’ve always been kind of lazy, and any time anything made me really super uncomfortable (like, gross, smelly food), someone else (Dad?) would take care of it. It’s an uncomfortable truth. I know where the problem comes from. I know where it leads. I do it any way. That, my friends, is what we call a character flaw.
But, when confronted with my mess, Cody didn’t say a thing. I mean, while I was taking a shower, I heard him gag, but that was it. When I was out of the shower, I saw a clean dish and we proceeded as normal. I felt the shame. I thanked him for cleaning it – again – and he just kind of shrugged. I hated myself and promised not to let it get to this point ever again. I’ll let you know if I follow through.
Last week, Cody and I decided we’d take a fairly spontaneous trip down to Arkansas to visit family during the upcoming weekend. On Thursday morning, Cody proclaimed, “I have a goal. I am going to make sure the house is clean before we leave tomorrow so that we can come back to a more appealing home.” I completely agreed – especially with the part where he said “I”.
But I found that, when I came home on Thursday afternoon, I started working on Cody’s goal. I dropped in a load of laundry right away (one of the only chores I prefer, probably because my dad made it a bonding activity for us, instead of something I should scorn). Then, I started washing a load of dishes. I performed these two chores on repeat until the clothes were folded and almost all the dishes were dried.
He didn’t come home right after work like I thought he would. He did send a text around 7:30pm to ask how things were going at home, which I thought was a little strange, since he should have been home around this time. Reminder, if you need one: he was the one who said he was going to clean the house. At 9pm, the house was almost clean, but not because he was home, and definitely not because he told me to.
I love the man so much that his desire for a clean house motivated me to do it as an act of service to show him my love. I knew that he’d really appreciate me packing our bags and cleaning up the house, especially because he knows I’d seriously rather be doing other things.
So he came home a little after midnight to a clean home, gave me a big hug in the morning, and asked if I was mad at him. I answered him honestly, and the answer honestly surprised me.
No, I’m not. I found I meant it, too.
No? Ania, this would have made you so mad before. True. But this is before he cleaned up my messes and didn’t say a word about it.
It’s like we have our own language now. We don’t have to say anything, but I imagine the conversation runs in its silent current as follows:
Cody: My wife is a slob. But I love her. I know she really hates doing this stuff, and I value a less-smelly house (apparently more than she does) so I’ll clean it up.
This is so gross. But I love her…
Ania (hiding, as Cody is cleaning): Ugh. Why do I do this. Why don’t I just take care of it right away? I feel shame. …Why isn’t he yelling at me? Or at least making me feel bad?
I guess he doesn’t make me feel bad for the same reason I’m not mad at him for not showing up to his own idea of a clean house (haha). I didn’t want to ruin the trip – he’s usually the main cleaner of the house, so it wouldn’t be fair to get mad at him during a rare time he’s out enjoying himself with his colleagues.
Just like I know I have my character flaws, I also know that my husband loves me with extraordinary grace – he gives me love (forgiveness, mercy, goodness..) when I least think I deserve it. I guess you can say I have decided it’s time for me to grow up and start doing the same.
Cody and I were traveling to work this Monday morning and customarily asked each other what the upcoming week’s responsibilities looked like: what evenings were going to be dedicated to other obligations, and which hours would we spend together. It’s a nice way to set expectations so that we aren’t sad when Life “gets in the way.” We use Google calendar as our family planning tool. It’s wonderful.
As I was scrolling through traffic, Cody was swiping through our calendar(s) and said he’d be traveling to a meeting on Tuesday night and wouldn’t be home ’til late. I very casually affirmed, “No big deal. I have piano lessons until the early evening, and then I’ll just edit my book.”
And what happened next surprised me big time. There was no reason for the fear that gripped me, or the anxiety that ran through my body – but out of NO WHERE the thought “What if he’s cheating on me?” entered my mind.
You know the narrative – the husband “works late” but is really with The Other Woman and his wife is waiting for him at home, a warm meal prepared that’s going to get cold real quick, just like their relationship did a while back.
I need to reiterate that there was NO reason for this fear to exist. He hadn’t suggested anything, we hadn’t watched any shows or movies that showed infidelity… It was the same kind of surprise I encountered when my beautifully growing tulips were covered by snow yesterday.
It’s funny how quickly you can grow something – a true blue relationship -, just to have it destroyed in a few hours time.
When things go, or feel wrong, I’ve been trying lately to accept my feelings and “honor” them (whatever that really means) and then let them go. It’s kind of like I just let the snow keep covering the spring flowers. I imagine the worst case scenarios since I forget that there could ever be good again.
What if he cheats on me?
What if he is cheating on me? He is on that computer an awful lot, and we did meet online.
What if I’m so blind one day that I miss all the red flags and warning signs and become the woman at home who just cooked a great meal and her husband won’t be home til late?
How vast would this heart break be.
I realized that the last thought wasn’t a question.
It wasn’t until later that evening that I shared these fears with Cody. He just hugged me from behind and said, “From someone who’s been cheated on and mistreated, you don’t have to worry.” (He even sang the song a little :).
It did make me feel better. The Google calendar and open communication throughout the day doesn’t hurt, either; it helps me feel validated, secure, and thought of. It’s insane how much that fear of losing him to infidelity drove my desire to love and appreciate him even more.
Sometimes the snow -the doubt, the fear, the insecurity- has to cover the flowers -the relationship and your perceptions of it- to inspire greater appreciation and trust. Constant fear should be examined, certainly, but in my case, this circumstance does not warrant greater reflection.
So no, I’m not actually worried that Cody will cheat on me, but boy did the fear of it make me appreciate that I don’t have to worry at all.
Update: Turns out the snow didn’t destroy the flowers. In fact, it looks like the the melted water helped make them taller. Maybe, every once in a while, we need to imagine something we love will disappear one day, in order to nurture what we already have.
I went to an all-girls high school.
At this school, we were asked to reflect on just about everything.
There was a perpetual joke that we reflect on our reflections.
So it’s not a surprise I have written reflections on my marriage since its inception.
At this “the un-reflected life is not worth living” educational institution, I met a few of the most inspiring women of my life. When I heard from one of those friends that Wife Reflections has been instrumental in helping her prepare for her own marriage, I was rightfully humbled. Me? But I barely know enough myself. That’s why I’m reflecting on it, right?
After I groaned, “I don’t know what to write about this week!” (This usually indicates that there’s plenty to share but I’m hesitant about sharing it with the masses right now.), Abby offered to write a little something. I gave Abby a true Peace-inspired reflection activity: You suggested that Wife Reflections is kind of like “soul food” for you and your future marriage. Please reflect on this.
This is what I am honored to share. Maybe you, dear reader, can relate. Here’s Abby!
“Change, we don’t like it, we fear it.
But we can’t stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
It hurts to grow, anyone who tells you it doesn’t is lying.
But sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, oh sometimes change is good.
Sometimes change is EVERYTHING.”
I feel that amongst even the most self-professed of thrill-seekers and daredevils, there is always a moment (or two) of fear. That fear is what gets your adrenaline pumping after all—the magical hormone that gives you that high that makes the experience so jubilant, memorable and enjoyable. To be the kind of person that grows from that fear, who embraces it knowing that the end result will provide a kind of joy they wouldn’t otherwise know – that is why we make such jumps.
And this is the kind of fleeting but constant, minimal but pervasive fear I’ve felt since exclaiming, “Of course I will!” to my fiancé as he knelt before me 9 months ago. About three and a half months away from our big day, I’m continuing to learn about myself, about him, about our relationship, and about this fear. And amazingly but unsurprisingly, Wife Reflections has been an integral part of our many conversations.
See, I am, as Ania would describe, a fearlessly ambitious person. I run into things head on, plowing ahead to get through to my goal. Much of that is motivation and dedication, but some of it too is that, through keeping busy, I don’t have to give much thought to feelings of uneasiness or fear. A requirement of focus and time to the details of achieving my goal leaves me little time to think about the forthcoming change or fear of the unknown. Fortunately, this system has worked to my advantage quite a bit; but when it came to the idea of my marriage -the lifelong relationship I was building- this was obviously not an option.
Having been separated from formal religion from some time, living 1,000 miles away from most family and friends and being smack in the middle of a rigorous master’s program in nursing, I have reached out for emotional and life support wherever and whenever I can. I have often sought advice from my wonderful mom, from many friends, from literature, news, and other corners of the Internet. When Ania first started this blog after her wedding almost TWO years ago, I was thrilled to be able to share in some moments of her newlywed life. I’ve known Ania and Cody for many years now, and it was such an exciting time in their life.
In typical cliché fashion, I couldn’t have imagined how the reflections and hard work of my soul sister would guide me through these times.
Despite the constant onslaught of how an engagement should go, what makes a successful marriage, and who needs to be invited to the wedding, this blog has always shown the whole picture to me:
The daily ups and downs
the serious and conscious effort that is love and marriage
the exciting and boring times
how each moment can be important and impactful.
Also, as karma and luck would have it, often times when a significant or difficult conversation or argument has arisen between my fiancé and I, that week’s Wife Reflection has amazingly answered a question I didn’t know I’d asked, or provided the reassurance that a particular personality kink didn’t mean my relationship would soon be doomed.
Wife Reflections has prompted conversations between my partner and I, filling in the gaps when we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to say it. Other weeks, it provides food-for-thought—ideas about marriage that I hadn’t previously considered.
Through it all, when I have been tempted to charge ahead and through the minutiae of wedding planning, the reflections have been a reminder that
the wedding is a fun party, but the marriage is the most exciting part
having a partner is comforting and familiar, but should also be challenging and non-complacent
unlike the romanticized shows and movies, being in love is a choice, each and every day, to dedicate yourself to another person. To fight for what you want in your relationship.
So maybe you’re wondering what any or all of this has to do with fear? For me, fear of the unknown of married life had the potential to cripple me – to make me run far away, thinking that knowing what to expect would be more comfortable than heading toward that unknown.
But acknowledging this fear, accepting the fear, sitting in the fear, and allowing the conversation, fueled by the insights of my wonderful friend who has walked before me into marriage, I am moving away from the paralyzing side of fear to the adrenaline side to feel that excitement, and to let that bit of fear be the provider of hopes and dreams… to be motivated by the fear, to fight like hell through the hard stuff to reap the high of love.
Abby looking beautiful at the bridal shower celebrated in her honor!
