Teaching 9th grade girls is such a blessing. Almost every day I see the strength of sisterhood when one student is having a rough day and the others gather around her. Also almost every day I am reminded of how exceptionally difficult it is to maintain a real, supportive relationship when there are so many changes happening at the same time (like, you know, figuring out who you are while also studying for three exams).
In both scenarios, I silently give thanks that I’m in a time in my life where I can enjoy the fruits of my laborious making-friends journey. After a lackluster social life (read: perceived deflation of my worth to about zero) in middle school, I remember deliberately taking my time choosing friends in high school. I would observe everybody, almost to a fault.
She just made a snarky comment to her “best friend” (Did she really just frame it as a “joke” with a quick comment of “Oh, get over it!” when her friend looked offended??). I don’t think I want to be friends with someone like that.
She just rolled her eyes when her friend sheepishly told her she doesn’t want to go out tonight because she wants to make sure she studies really well for the test tomorrow. I don’t want my friend to roll her eyes at my success.
Is she really trying to guilt her friend into hanging out with her instead of family? She seems to really want family time! Any friend who shames another for wanting to spend time with her family is not going to make it as a friend of mine.
And so on it went. I realize now that it seems I have impossibly high standards. Good. It worked for finding my husband, too.
So what does this have to do with my marriage?
Simple. If I hadn’t spent so much time deliberately choosing my friends, I wouldn’t have my greatest supports and protectors of my marriage.
Sometimes it’s not enough to just “work it out” between us when I’m in a rough patch with my husband. Sometimes we have to go to our separate corners in the boxing ring and talk it out with the coaches who were there first. My coaches are the sisters I’ve chosen. They help me talk through any doubts, questions, and concerns that inevitably arise in my marriage.
I think what I love the most is that the end game is always a realistic true-to-Ania approach leading to a potential solution. Never once do my coaches panic and say, “This is it. This is the problem that leads to divorce. Get ready for the K.O.” They may roll their eyes and wonder aloud, “What is this guy doin’!?” But they’ll just as quickly ask, “Shoot, girl, what’s going on with you? You’re not being yourself.”
It’s that question that I love most about my friends. How can we help you be yourself again? Because we love that Ania. If we find her again, we’ll be able to fix everything else.
Wow. Gold standard friends.
So when I tell my freshmen students about my own female relationships, I hope they hear that those same sisters will help protect their marriages, too. (You know, if that’s something they’re even in to).
Here’s to…
…my sister losing weeks of sleep pursuing her Ph.D. in Clinical Psych,
…my M.o.H. following her dream in a New York City grad program,
…my soul friend finishing her Masters of Theology program at Duke,
…my tall twin in a beautiful relationship with her fiance and the Yale School of Nursing,
…a trailblazing lover of the world passionately writing stories,
…the women in my life who have become truly amazing mothers,
…those who are fearlessly embracing the unknown and loving the heck out of life,
…and all those who I don’t get to talk to as often but admire just the same.
The women in my life protect my marriage. To have ignored them in pursuit of a man would have been one of my life’s biggest mistakes. Now, they save my best life – my most “Ania” life – more than they realize. Thank God for that.