Year 6, Week 1: for better and for worse

It’s hard not to worry about the clouds gathering in the distance, wondering if they’ll find their way to you. But what if they did, and you found that you were still okay? Part of the beauty of this season of my life is realizing that, regardless of the circumstances, I’ll be okay. All will be well. The best is yet to come.

Last Sunday, we were celebrating our 6th anniversary in black clothing, enjoying a “small” family gathering in my parents’ backyard (with three older brothers who each have a wife and two kids it’s hard to consider us a “small” family). I was so grateful to have one day to pause the cleaning of our apartment and last-minute storage packing, and emotionally preparing for my grandmother’s wake the next evening and subsequent burial on Tuesday morning.

The hardest Mass I’ve ever had to play and sing for was my Babcia’s funeral Mass. Cody knew it would be, but he chose to sit only a few feet away from me, close enough that I could squeeze his hand when I wasn’t playing.

By Wednesday, I was pretty spent. By Thursday, my sore throat was turning into a stuffy nose, and by Friday, I had lost my voice. It was my fault, really. I had stopped taking vitamins and put my body through a lot of stress (though, all things considered, the stressors had piled up and all that was left was to endure them. I told myself that the rest would come when I arrived in Costa Rica. The time crunch for a Saturday morning flight demands a lot, but add in the time to grieve the matriarch of my family and whew, that’s a tall order.

So it’s a good thing I’m tall.

Anyway. I don’t mean for this to be a list of grievances or complaints or “Why me?”s. All things considered, the last couple weeks have been so ripe with blessings. I’ve really felt my family come together. I’ve felt the support of my husband. We chose to postpone our flight from Tuesday to Saturday (I can’t even imagine flying out on a morning when everyone else was going to be at my grandma’s gravesite), and I was able to hug so many people I love (that I wouldn’t have had an opportunity to see had my grandma not passed).

I’m finally learning and grounding myself in the truth that my emotions and the circumstances that create those emotions (let me put this in a way that our friend Matt said on Friday) “aren’t good or bad – they just are.” And it’s so true.

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster. And treat those two imposters the same…

“If” by Richard Kipling

By the way – this truth comes as a result of A LOT of therapy, reading, and investment in relationships that have been such a solid support and foundation for me. I did NOT have this perspective two years ago. I felt captive to my emotions, and it wasn’t until I learned about cognitive distortions and how to reframe my thinking that I could find my way out. If this is you and you don’t have a therapist yet, what are you waiting for, boo!?

I think the same truth, and approach to the reality that is relationships, goes with marriage. Cody and I have been through some lowwww lows this last year, but our hands somehow still found their way to each other. And, this last weekend, we’ve held hands as we marvel at this life we’re stepping into: it has been a dream for so long that we would live abroad, within nature, by the ocean and mountains, and boom. We’re here. Tamarindo, Guanacaste, Costa Rica. For the next year, we’ll get to explore and wander and wonder and fall more in love with life and each other. And whether we’re experiencing conflict, or loss, or uncertainty, or the bliss of feeling alive, we’ll ride the waves together, treat them all the same, and find peace within ourselves and each other.

Amen.

Year 5, Week 52: Selfish wife, unhappy life

There. I’ve said it.

This year of marriage has been the most difficult for me.

Did you see any WifeReflections?

Right.

See, I thought that “making it” to Year Five meant that we’d figured everything out and didn’t need to “protect the house” as much. I kept hearing about year 2 or 3 being so rough, but we enjoyed those so much (and I made sure we’d never be “those” couples, so… Our preventative maintenance wasn’t as strong as it used to be. We started to take each other for granted. I’d come home from work, find him in his office, so I’d go to mine, work on my novel, live in my own world, and then we’d maybe watch an episode of a show during dinner. He’d keep working, I’d go to bed, and in the morning, we’d do it all over again. We’re super independent people, so this set-up was preferable for achieving our goals. Totally not helpful when you’re in a relationship. Especially not helpful when you’re married. SUPER bad when you start feeling like your spouse is more of a decent roommate than your best friend.

It happened slowly. It happened when we had our guards down. When we started taking each other for granted.

And then we were in crisis mode. But we are, thank God, committed to working on it. To handling it. To prioritizing our partnership above all else. To pursue marriage counseling. To essentially unlearn all the bad habits we had picked up along the way, stripped down to the basics, and build again – relearning communication styles and what it means to be an empathetic listener and how to be able to be separate people while also allowing the space between us to be safe, sacred, and ours.

And that’s the key, I do believe, of what I’ve learned this last year of marriage.

Look at your partner like it’s the first day you’ve ever known them. They’ve never seen this day before – and neither have you. Give them the benefit of the doubt, over and over and over again. Put aside what you think you want and focus on what THEY might need to have their day a little smoother. Add currency into the emotional bank account. Learn your partner’s bids for connection. Practice empathetic listening. Most of all, never take for granted that your relationship will always be as “great” or “terrible” as it is now: if it’s not in a good spot, it CAN get better. If it’s in the best shape its in, keep working at it. It’s when one person stops pedaling, or the other gets distracted, that the bike can get off track.

And so today, on our sixth wedding anniversary, it feels important to thank Cody for being willing to work on this marriage with me, for his mercy when I fail to be the wife he deserves, and for making me laugh like no one ever has, day after day after day.

When Cody asked what I wanted for this anniversary, the answer was easy: You, Cody. I want you. Having you in my life is already more than enough. But also if you wouldn’t mind one day letting the cat on the bed so she can cuddle with me, that would also be fine.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Okay, bye, love you!

Year 4, Week 49: Waiting for Our Baby

I’ll never forget receiving the message that day, over a year ago. It was textless – a sound file. When I increased the volume on my phone, I heard them: strong, rapid, healthy heart beats. One of my best friends from high school – a woman I look up to, live life beside, and never let slip too far in my rearview mirror – was sharing the news of her pregnancy!

This wasn’t the first time I had experienced a pregnancy announcement; in fact, I’ve been able to celebrate with my family and many of my family’s friends throughout my life. With this announcement, though, some unexpected emotions manifested.

Let’s be real: I do not want to admit this, but it’d be a dishonest reflection if I did not. And it wouldn’t show the enormous heart transformation that has occurred since then.

So here it is.

The amount of envy that infiltrated what should have been a purely joyous moment was deeply disturbing to me. It was the first time that it had happened, and I know why.

This was my peer in just about every sense of the word: though she was a grade above me in high school, we were track and field teammates, both ambitious students, and subscribed to the notion that women should help each other rather than create more drama for each other. I knew the moment she called to tell me about the guy she had met that she was going to marry him: “It’s in your voice. The love in your voice. This is your guy.” We got to see them get married on such a gorgeous day and now it made complete sense that they would be welcoming a baby into their lives!

But Cody and I had been trying for a baby for a year at that point, and the tears that I tried to swallow when my friend sent me that message were really awful. The sudden feeling that it was somehow unfair was the worst. Unfair? How was it unfair? Even writing it down for the public to see is terrible. But I know this is common. I know this is a thing. I didn’t WANT to feel the way I did, but I DID. Now the question was, How could I stop it?

I don’t want to be blinded to what I have because I’m too busy looking at what I don’t.

I vowed then that I would never allow someone else’s joy–and their desire to share that joy with me–ever be soured by bitterness or envy. It couldn’t be. Not feeling complete joy because something absolutely wonderful is happening is NOT the way it should be. It’s not the way I want to live my life. I resolved that there had to be a better way.

Being grateful for what I have RIGHT NOW is 98% of it.

It has taken a dependable group of friends, women who know my heart – who know I don’t have bad intentions when I tell them I feel sad and happy at the same time – and women who have experienced the waiting. It has taken a husband who doesn’t put pressure on me or who reminds me that it’s not my fault that it’s taking us a little longer than it might take other couples. It has taken parents and parents-in-law who don’t remind us at every turn that we should probably be giving them grandbabies at this point. It has taken my own willpower to resist snapping back at those who try to reassure me saying, “But you’re so young. You have time” and believe them, instead. It has taken the power of prayer to keep my heart calm and peel away the frustration that things aren’t happening on my own time.

Ultimately, here’s what I know as truth. And it’s this truth that grounds me and keeps me positive, happy for others, and guards me against that awful feeling that might threaten to creep up every now and then:

I will have the perfect baby at the perfect time. I’ll know, looking at my baby, why it was meant to happen then and not necessarily when I wanted.

That’s it.

How do I know I’ve had a mental and emotional transformation? Well, you know how we’re able to test our physical health and progress through competition, or measurements, or other tests. But what about mental health? How do I know I’ve improved so much?

Well, this last week, I not only visited the newborn of our very best friends, but the next day I visited another newborn of a good colleague of mine and then, the very next day after that, after that first beautiful heartbeat message, I got to celebrate Remi’s first birthday. With either of the visits, there was no bitterness, no sadness, no anger, no jealousy. I got to watch one of my very best friends celebrate her daughter’s first birthday. I was able to play with Remi, cuddle and giggle with her.

Does the yearning still exist? Absolutely. But there’s a comfort in the waiting now that wasn’t there before.

Thank God for that.

Year 4: The Ladies Edge

When I don’t feel like it or don’t think I have the energy, I’m going to do the damn thing. Because I can either be okay with the hard choice of disappointing myself, or I can be okay with the hard choice of showing up and doing it anyway. It’s up to me. But I can’t dare complain later when I didn’t show up before. After all, isn’t that what marriage is like some days?

Last year around April, I was invited by one of my good friends Katie to try out The Ladies Edge – a workout program that I was so grateful she found following the tragic death of Brad, her best friend and soon-to-be fiance. I saw how much it was an anchor for her: a place to release the grief and anger and find community and endorphins that would pick her up and carry her on. Though I found different reasons to join, I reap benefits that I had never expected to receive.

Why am I going to talk about a workout program on this WifeReflections blog?

How could I not?

Exercise is obviously good for me, personally, but whoa has it amped up the married life.

I am confident in my skin (yay fitting into clothes better), which lends itself to other activities that make for a happy wife. I’m also pretty sure that Cody finds it attractive that I can be physically stronger than expected with these lanky arms (especially when we were moving all those heavy boxes!).

TLDR?
The program works for me and my marriage. Cody even breaks a sweat with me and has admitted it’s a solid program. I have zero intention of stopping and my body is thanking me for it. It has taught me to make time for myself, my marriage, and my health. All three of these things are necessary for me to feel joy on a daily basis. To NOT make them a priority would be a grave mistake.

We were staying in a shepherd’s hut in Lasswade, Scotland. The wi-fi was strong enough, we had our resistance bands and workout clothes and got it done. We’re not saying y’all are losers with our L hands – it’s just the way we show that we completed the “live” workout the coach posts every Saturday morning.

Want more details? Want to join me, like I took Katie up on her invitation? Read on.

As a teacher and general person trying to succeed, it was stupid hard for me to find a consistent workout routine. I tried Couch to 5k (which was AWESOME and helped me run my first and favorite: Gaza 5k), but it was still basically winter and conditions were not conducive to running without my ears feeling like they were on fire from the bitter wind. Ah, Chicago.

Katie told me about The Ladies Edge (TLE). I tried it, and I fell in love. I’m part of the program more than a year later; in fact, I paid for Lifer status, which basically means I no longer pay monthly. I’m in it for as long as the program will exist because I believe in the mission and the coach. A year later, I’m still working out consistently, still getting sore, and still reaping the benefits of moving my body in ways that surprise even me.

Here are some of the main reasons I’m in this thing for life and why I think I’m one of the hundreds of women who are able to stick with it:

  1. The workouts are only 23 minutes long, 6 days a week. I just cannot make an excuse for not including ONLY 23 minutes of HIIT-like exercise into my daily routine. Although the workout itself does not necessarily “fit” into the recommended 30-minutes/5 days a week suggestion by the American Heart Association, the way I see it, 23 minutes + the time it takes me to go to the copy machine twice a day from my third floor classroom + walking to the train + walking around the classroom = heart healthy. It’s also not beyond me to start holding a plank while students are working on the assigned activity.


  2. The community of women is unlike anything I’ve ever been a part of. I went an all-girls high school, so I know the power when women decide we want to change something, or celebrate something, or fight against something. I also know how disruptive it can be when a group of girls decides to bash the mission without having a reasonable conversation first. There will always be women who don’t feel like they belong and, as a result, disrupt the peace already present.

    What I love about TLE is that Michelle Bishop, the coach and founder of TLE, is very adamant about “protecting the house.” There is a zero-tolerance policy of bullying, shaming, or other negative-Nancy decisions.

    It’s quite amazing what happens in the Facebook group when women know that their best is expected: no pity parties, no complaining, no bashing another woman for her life’s choices. When something terrible happens, we post about it, but it’s for support – not because we can’t handle it, but because we know we can handle it better with our tribe behind us.


  3. We have women and men from all walks of life — young moms, “Golden Bishes” in their 60s, college kids, supportive husbands, engaged and married women, women who have heartbreakingly buried their babies, men who are secure enough in themselves to take the program and the empowerment of women seriously… I could go on. I am so grateful that there are women who have been pregnant and post-partum in the group, because when it’s my turn, I know I have solid women to turn to if I have questions or if I’m scared or if… the list goes on. The only rule? Hold others accountable and they’ll make sure you’re posting your sweaty selfie, too. It’s incredible what happens when you don’t show up for a few days. Somebody notices!!


  4. I feel better. I have freedom from guilt. Cheat meals don’t exist for me because there’s not a moment I need to “sneak” a cookie or hide a caramel macchiato. I seek balance. I have the cookie, but I also make sure I’m giving my body the fuel it needs to be energized and strong and ready for the next workout. I can do these workouts at any time, but it’s suggested I do one a day. Monday: chest, Tuesday: back, Wednesday: shoulders, Thursday: arms, Friday: legs, Saturday: live (all-body). Waking up at 5:15am every school day was admittedly hard sometimes, but since I met on a Zoom conference link with women across the country getting up as well, it made it much easier!




  5. Perhaps the biggest change I’ve noticed in myself isn’t necessarily the physical: it’s the mental grit. I already had it, but it’s different now. It’s more fine-tuned. I’m gonna write this damn novel because I’m going to keep showing up, just like I do for my workouts. I‘m going to be a damn good teacher because I can do these pushups, so I can plan these wicked awesome lessons. I’m going be a giving wife even when I’m tired because I know it’s worth it.

    When I don’t feel like it or don’t think I have the energy, I’m going to do the damn thing. Because I can either be okay with the hard choice of disappointing myself, or I can be okay with the hard choice of showing up and doing it anyway. It’s up to me. But I can’t dare complain later when I didn’t show up before. After all, isn’t that what marriage is like some days?


    If you’re still here and would like to try The Ladies Edge FOR FREE, click here. The price of $27/month will go away on June 8, 2019. Get it now!

Year 4, Week 48: The Bookshelf

I get the affection for the single life: time and space for your own time and space… your own habits, your own choices. You don’t have to compromise with anybody, double-check plans, or keep yourself from watching a Netflix show because your partner isn’t home yet (ugh, so glad we’re over this now. Kind of).

But my appreciation keeps growing for this marriage thing. This time, it’s thanks to the black Ikea bookshelf. It’s been taken down and set back up eight times in Cody’s life, but four of those times, the shelves have held my books, too. In the home we just moved out of, the bookshelf was in the living room, telling people how much we loved reading and, also, the wall was the perfect size for this literary behemoth. The two bedroom apartment housed our master bedroom and Cody’s office/guest room. In our new home, we could have kept the bookshelf in the living room.

But this time…

This time, the bookshelf has been set up in my own little office. That’s right. We have three bedrooms now, and one of them is my own little room.

Can I just say much how I have missed that and not really realized that I did?

I LOVE having my piano, a desk (where I wrote the majority of my first manuscript btw. My mom asked me today why I didn’t just throw it away because it’s so old and I’m still too unpublished to tell her that, one day, this desk will be in a museum), and A FREAKING BOOKSHELF in MY OWN ROOM.

Cody walked in on me working earlier this afternoon with a knowing smile. He does that sometimes. When I asked him about it, he shrugged and said, “I just wanted to watch you in your little creative space. I knew you’d be in a happy place and I wanted to see it.

…But if you weren’t in a happy space, I would have just shut the door.”

Sometimes I wonder if he jumped out the pages of one of those shelved books.

In hindsight, of course I would love a room like this. I love me time to recharge and just be. And a place to create music? A space to write? A place to read? Why wasn’t this a thing earlier in my marriage?!

To which a small voice reminds me, “You needed time to qualify for a mortgage, remember?”

Anyway. Being able to capture what’s good about the single life in this little room for myself feels like a double-win. I can have my own space AND share the larger home that I absolutely adore sharing with my husband.

And the black bookshelf? It’s so much easier putting back together with someone else by your side.

I can’t wait to add more wall art, but for now, this view makes me really excited. The energy is flowing!

Year 4, Week 40: March of Friends

I adore words, but sometimes pictures speak louder. The pictures below do not include all the people we value in our lives. But I wanted to share these in particular because they all have something major in common: they visited us when they didn’t have to – from Florida, from north Chicago (which basically feels like its own state sometimes, let’s be honest), from Michigan, from St. Louis, and from Washington, D.C.

Here’s what’s cool: Frankie from Chicago (but now lives in Florida) is someone I met on the CTA and became a friend to “watch” Netflix comedy shows and eat ice cream with. He -and his black service doggo, Subaru -have become our good friends. When he called to set up a day to hang out, he told us, “People are telling me I’m crazy for coming to cold Chicago during spring break, but I tell them I really miss my friends.”

AW.

Frankie is a guy I like to say I “picked up” on the train after getting mad that no one offered their seat during rush hour. I love how honest and open he is with his life despite becoming blind at 21.

Jess and Mary are friends I met through work, English and Math teachers respectively. The fact that they wanted to venture to the west suburbs on a Saturday morning to have brunch and see the results of our rehab means more than I ever expected it to, mostly because I don’t expect people to show up. When they do though, I’m seriously flattered.

Jessica and Mary are such fun people to be around. They “get” it and use class and their smarts to make the world a way better place both, especially with their students. When they came to the new neighborhood for brunch and later expressed desire to see the new house, I was seriously so glad that they were there with me to celebrate the most recent renovations!

Shawn R is Cody’s best friend from high school. When we met Julianna, we knew they were a perfect match – and now they have adorable little girls! We love hanging out with them. We laugh and laugh and laugh. They didn’t have to stop by on their way home from Arkansas back to Michigan, but they did and we’re so grateful. The ice cream stop was so great.

The R family is so special to us. Shawn and Julianna are from Cody’s home state of Arkansas, but they currently live in Michigan, building their own log cabin BY THEMSELVES. Their girls are growing up so well and we are so grateful they stopped by to see us on their way home from Arkansas.

I met Jessica through my workout program, The Ladies Edge. About six months after I joined, I remembered that Jess and her family live in St. Louis, so we’ve stopped by on our way down to Arkansas to visit Cody’s family. They are so much fun and great people to talk to and learn from. We’re lucky that Brandon and Cody get along so well.. gives us a reason to keep getting together. When they stayed with us during their trip to Chicago, I didn’t realize we’d enter the next stage: making fun of Ania and get away with it. Not everyone gets there. Congratulations, guys.

The H family is so awesome. You can’t tell, but they’re the proud parents of four beautiful and smart kids and, though they live in St. Louis, we feel like they’re never really that far away — which is kind of crazy, because I met Jess through the online workout community I’ve been part of the last year, The Ladies Edge. ‘Hi, I’m Ania, and I meet awesome people online.’ Go figure 😀

Maria Elena is a friend from studying abroad SIX years ago! My favorite words from Cody that weekend were “Have a fun girls’ night! Enjoy!” After a delicious Spanish tapas meal, we ended up at a bar hosting a 70s theme dance party. Had we realized where we’d end up, we may have left our leather jackets at home. Oops. Regardless, the fact that she still wants to make time to hang out after all these years is awesome. It’s time for us to plan a trip out to visit her soon!

How special is it that I get to see this pretty lady just about every year since we studied abroad together in Spain in 2013? There’s something so cool about reuniting with someone who shares so many amazing memories with you when yall were 21. I know I’m only 27 and still very much “young”, but going out with Maria Elena makes me feel like I’m 21 again.

I guess the point of this reflection is simply to recognize the people who don’t just say they appreciate our company.. they show up – when they don’t have to! Again, this isn’t nearly all of the people who we love and show love in return.. it’s just that all of these friends visited in the span of a month and it became very obvious that we’ve built some pretty incredible friendships. May it only continue!

Year 4, Week 33: Big-Girl Pants

Cody left for a business trip three weeks ago. He was gone two weeks—the longest stint of time we’ve spent apart since I studied abroad in Spain. In 2013.

Before that, the longest stint away was when we were long distance for 2.5 years, for 3-4 months at a time.

This reflection is not about how badly it sucked that my husband was gone. This reflection is about how much I had to learn and, subsequently, grow because I didn’t have Cody to hide behind. …That’s the part that kind of sucked. A little.


Before he left, we had spent a great weekend together, happy reflecting on our last year: I’ve jumped into a sustainable fitness lifestyle, we bought a rental property, are happy with our jobs, and though the construction on our most recently acquired building is going slower than we would have liked, life is calm. Under control. We expressed gratitude over this.

The first week without Cody was fine — fun, even. It reminded me of when he left last year for a little while. I spent a few days (and nights) at my parents’ house because the extreme Polar Vortex temps closed school and, frankly, if I had the choice between being cold and alone or cold with family, I will choose the latter every time. 

Hanging out with my dad was one of the best ways to “be cool” with Cody being gone. It was really sweet to feel Mom and Dad welcome me home with the most open arms, warmest mugs of tea, and most crisp wine after a home-cooked meal.

The temperatures were thawing by Thursday, and I was looking forward to a weekend full of friends: I knew I’d be missing Cody something fierce if I didn’t schedule some time with those who know me best.

Things didn’t go according to plan.

Friday night: sleepover with Bailey, an 18-year old firecracker of spunk, pizzazz, and golden goodness. Go to the house on Marengo (what we call the new house that we might get to move into in 2029 if the weather finally cooperates). Check the house for burst pipes and potential water damage.

Saturday: Mom’s birthday! I’m gonna spoil her with a facial, brunch, and a couple hours at the casino. meet the plumber. Go out for breakfast with a dear friend who has experience with life and can remind you it’ll be okay. Leave before food comes to let plumber into unit that actually has the problem. Come back to restaurant and most patient friend ever. Try not to cry over the fact that THE ONE ROOM IN THE NEW UNIT THAT WASN’T GONNA HAVE A HOLE NOW HAS A HOLE IN IT. Fall in love with new neighborhood all over again. Go to niece’s gymnastics meet and celebrate Mom’s birthday with family in the evening.

Sunday: Go to church; sing with Dad. Take older niece with me to Marengo to measure tenant’s shower stall; go to Menard’s, Home Depot, Marengo, Menard’s… And then two hours after scheduled, Superbowl fun with Bailey’s family (because they get life and, with them as friends, life is never nearly as bad as people suggest it is)

Monday: tea with Ana after school and then an evening for my writing. A really nice glass of wine with Ana, then delicious dinner when her husband came home after work. Quick trip to Menard’s, my new second home, and then home for bed time.

What the hell am I going to do when a pipe breaks? Recite a Shakespearean sonnet? I have zero practical skills in the trades.

Plans changed. I was 2.5 steps away from a panic attack. Cody is the one who shows up when things go wrong: I’m usually the one who just hands him a cup of tea at the end of the day with a pat on the back.

When things started breaking and I was the only one who could show up, I had to show up.

Cody was such a great team player when we were apart. He was in constant contact with the tenants and the plumber. I really just had to be the feet on the ground. Though it was inconvenient for a few days, I am so grateful I had Cody there — even if this time, I was walking beside him, and not hiding behind him.

I’m a natural planner, so when plans change and things are seemingly out of control, I rely heavily on the people in my village, earnest prayers from inside my car, and hope that this too shall soon pass. And let’s be clear: what happened wasn’t necessarily hard, it was just so unfamiliar. It was a learning curve; adulting, if you will.

What I am most proud of is that, when things started looking unfamiliar and scary, I didn’t just roll up into a ball and hide. I did the things that needed to be done. I learned stuff. And, though I couldn’t get one-on-one time with Bailey on Friday night, I still made sure I saw her on Sunday. I did not cancel plans with friends or family. I held onto the commitments I made to the people in my life.

Pipes will break and it’s easy to fix, but it’s not as easy to mend a broken relationship. I’m so glad that we were able to work it out, Chicago and California style. Though I may have asked Cody how I let him “get me into this real estate thing?” It was worth the rent check when I left the tenant’s unit on Sunday. Like, oh. He’s trying to protect our -my- financial future.

He’s a hell of a provider. And this time, I had the opportunity to learn how to provide for myself, too.

Year 4, Week 19: Building Our Village

Cody and I have always had a running joke that, thanks to me, he has friends – I text, call, and generally have an easier time keeping in touch with people Cody admires but doesn’t necessarily reach out to all the time.

I’m happy to report, however, that it’s actually thanks to Cody that we have some of the best people in our closest circle. I wouldn’t be friends with Stacie and Halyna if Cody hadn’t clicked so well with their respective spouses, Matt and Josh, at work.

Since a company Christmas party and many celebrations thereafter, Cody and I have loved getting to know these couples, cultivating strong, fair-and-notfair-weather friendships with them. We’ve spent so many birthdays together now that I’ve lost track. We play board games, eat amazing food, and laugh so much together. We talk about important things and ideas, usually staying away from conversations about people (unless those people have done noteworthy things with their lives, then we break it down and learn from their example). We value the intricacies and quirks of each member and frequently express gratitude that we’re in each other’s lives. Most importantly, each couple boasts tenants of incredibly strong relationship: Matt and Stacie challenge each other to be better, always. Among so many others things, they take care of each other so well. Josh and Halyna are the epitome of adventurers and explorers, always choosing one another to be each other’s partner, but never excluding others from the experience as well. They lean on each other, but never doubt each other’s strength.

We’re lucky that they are in our village.

And I am so grateful that we had an evening together this Saturday. Stacie decorated her home with such love and care, setting up the ambiance in a way that made me feel comfort and warmth the moment we stepped in from the cold, rainy day. Sleeping bags and blankets and pillows were set up in front of the TV. So many pretty tea lights. Snacks. Josh and Halyna had already arrived, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget Josh yelling, “Frriieends!”

How could you not feel welcomed with a greeting like that?

How can you tell these boys are both software engineers? Hint: Plaid.

The point is, it took time to build these friendships, but it’s not a surprise to me that we can claim them as our friends. It took life experiences that tested whether we would show up when the going got tough, or whether we’d bail. It means something when Cody and I are the couple that lives farther away (i.e. more inconvenient to get to in Chicago traffic), but our friends still travel to come see us and vice versa.

Most importantly, the fact that they have such healthy marriages is a mirror to us about the wellness of our own.

In the context of my marriage and the friendships I share with my husband, we are building a village for our future family.

<Hm.> I’ve never said that before: in the friendships I share with my husband. People aren’t just “my” friends anymore. They have to be cool with the both of us to be my friend. Otherwise, how can it be a true friendship? </Hm.>

We are establishing a community that my future children won’t be able to imagine living without. It’s a blessing we don’t take for granted – but just like a solid marriage, it took time to get here. What’s exciting is that we have met so many other people who aren’t described here, but are just as important to us. I just happen to have this freshest on my mind right now 🙂

If you don’t have these “couple friends” just yet, don’t fret. You should be as “picky” as you are with your actual spouse. They will shape you, mold you, and reflect your truest self right back at you, loving you through it all.

P.S. Thanks to Halyna and Stacie for encouraging me to keep writing, even if it’s not for my novel right now.

Year 3, Week 35: The Ten Commandments of Resolving Conflict

I always feel bad for those couples who say, “We’re together like, all the time. We do everything together!”

That’s great, but have you had your first fight?

Then they look at me like I’ve destroyed all the hope of love and romance in the world. But I’m just being realistic.

Because if they spend all their time together and they haven’t had their first fight yet, then are they more, or less, likely to reconcile once conflict inevitably arises?

There are a few principles we follow, fairly subconsciously, but could be explicitly stated here. I’m not professionally trained in conflict resolution, but enough experience has made me feel like I can share the

Ten Commandments of Resolving Conflict

  1. Fight fair. We don’t say things that aren’t true just to “win” the fight.
  2. Do not swear – not even for emphasis. It escalates the tension so quickly and it leads down a path of saying what you don’t mean.
  3. Stay calm. This is so difficult but becomes easier with time, I promise. Deep breaths. Take ten. Inside voices. Use a stress ball if you need one.
  4. Don’t slam any doors in your partner’s face. It communicates punishment and a literal halt to any continuance of conversation. I am so guilty of this. It honestly only prolongs the time it takes to get to the reconciling stage. Just don’t do it to yourself.
    ——————

    Let your pride suffer and stay in the same room, or at least say, “I need some time. I’ll be back.” It sucks so bad, but it helps so much to leave the path of communication wide open. It says, “I don’t like you right now, but I still respect you.”
    —————

  5. Hug before it gets too bad. Cody’s infamous for wanting to be affectionate right when I’m about to blow. It’s something like, “C’mere. Hey. Shh.” along with a big hug. I swear it’s still from when he was three and getting into trouble with his Momma. I can just see him waddling over to his Mom’s leg and opening up arms for forgiveness. I suppose it works for me, too.
  6. When you’re ready to fix the problem, hold hands. It shows that you’re committed to a solution. It reminds us that we’re in this together.
    —————-

    It’s not me against you. It’s us against the problem.
    ————-

  7. Don’t make things more dramatic than they have to be in order to prove your point. Don’t try to intentionally manipulate, threaten, or scare your partner in order to get your own way. It’s just not worth it.
  8. Do not offer drastic ultimatums. It suggests a lack of trust in your partner’s will and desire to be with you. 
  9. Don’t ever threaten divorce unless you actually, deep down, really mean it.
  10. Remember what’s really important. Is the thing we’re fighting about actually important, or is it a little inconvenience that we’re upset about? Will this matter in ten years, a month, or a day? If it’s a huge discrepancy between y’all values, then it’s going to take more time to iron out and reconcile. But if it’s about coming home to see the meat hasn’t been thawed yet? Go grocery shopping together. Order a pizza. These are quick fixes and aren’t grounds for divorce.

These points work for us, but we’re always surprised when yet another conflict seems insurmountable and scares us into believing that we won’t “make it” through this next obstacle. Do you have any other ideas or approaches that work for you and your partner? Please share them below!

Year 3, Week 28: Finally. The Question.

“Treat another the way you’d like to be treated.”
“Wanna know what to do when you want a friend? Be one.” 
“The Golden Rule: ‘Do unto another what you’d like done to you.'”

However you say it, we have each come in contact with the adage: be a good person based on the basic principle of doing what you’d like done to you and saying what you’d like to hear.

But how simple and lovely and apparent was this in my marriage this week. 

I wish I could tell you what I said.

Maybe I looked into his eyes a little longer than normal, and saw him. Maybe I couldn’t stop being affectionate and cuddly when I probably had other things I needed to be doing. Maybe I remembered to bring him a glass of water when he didn’t ask for one. I don’t know.  Maybe the point is that it could be anything, as long as genuine affection and appreciation is in the gesture. 

What happened afterwards is the important part.

While we were lying in bed, waiting for sleep to take us, Cody suddenly turned to me and said, “You made me feel so… warm.. earlier. So loved.
What can I do to give you that feeling?”

You guys. After he asked me that I had two very interesting reactions. First was the stark (aw, Game of Thrones) realization that I don’t think anyone has ever really asked me, “What makes you feel the most loved?” BUT SECONDLY was the very unanticipated “Finally. He finally asked me this question.” BUT I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS MISSING IT. How weird is that.

I loved him well enough that he recognized it and wanted to make sure I was feeling the same ‘high on life’ feeling, too. Wow.

So stick with me here – This is the answer to the guessing game we’re perpetually playing with our partners (and potential partners), isn’t it? We go through our relationships wondering if this will make them happy or if that will satisfy them. We buy flowers and teddy bears and cook meals and choose rings and plan weddings but how often do we actually ask, “What can I do to make you feel loved?”

What a game-changer. I didn’t know how to answer Cody for several minutes because I couldn’t dodge the feeling that this is important. I think I told him that when he’s super thoughtful and anticipates a need, he makes me feel like I’m worthy of being seen and taken care of. This means I should be happy every minute he’s in his Financial Planning mode because it’s literally always with me and our future family in mind, but it still means a ridiculous amount when I come home from work and he says, “I did this for us. Now what movie would you like to watch?” I know there’s so more to the question that I haven’t even begun to sift through. Maybe that’s the point.

Maybe marriage is constantly asking the question, “What can I do to make you feel loved?” and then doing it. To fulfill the expectations of another often seems like a daunting task, but there’s no harm in trying.
Who else is gonna do it, if not his wife?

Update: After Cody read this, he said, “So maybe the question shouldn’t be, ‘Will you marry me?’ but ‘Will you allow me to be the person who tries to make you feel most loved for the rest of your life?'”